Audrey’s famous Friendsmas party and cookie exchange is this weekend, which means we’ve got a sitter for the pets (a new one—you know her, actually… she’s the cultist from this story and sometimes I think they like her more than me) and we’re making the drive up to Wisconsin. Which seems like a lot for a one day event, but you’ve never had those amazing truffles my new mom makes.
Anyway, I’ve been baking cookies and making fudge and things and—
I need to tell you about this thing that happened in the car. Not on the way to Wisconsin, obviously, because we haven’t gone yet. But on the way to the baking supply, which is where I had to get my chocolate because when you’re buying this much… anyway, I was super fucking brave and I need to tell the whole world.*
HIM: Did I tell you I blahblahblah at work and got really good feedback on the blah blah?
HIM: Yeah, the yada-yadda-math-stuff and… (becomes indistinct buzz)
ME: (stares at window)
WINDOW SPIDER: (eases out of hidden space to torment me)
HIM: (looks over) What are you…?
ME: (panting) Trying to figure out what to do.
HIM: Okay, but I’m— (gestures at general road things)
ME: Right, but there’s a spider. See. (squirms further into his lap) I need him gone, but I don’t want to just open the window because that might fling him into the car.
HIM: Okay, but… (shifts me out from under pedals) I’m driving.
ME: I know!
ME: (to self) Okay. Be brave. Be brave. (grasps random receipt from coin tray) Be real fuckin’ brave. AIEEEEEEEE!
ME: He moved! (hyperventilates) It’s fine. I’ll just… (to self) Do this, you earn a drink. Do it, earn a drink. Big drink. Earn your drink. Come on. One quick… okay, yikes… nope, gotta just… quick like a cat, quick like a cat, quick like a—HIIIYYYEEE!!!
HIM: (glances over) Okay, you got him.
ME: (peels up corner of folded paper, peers suspiciously)
HIM: He’s flattened. You squished it. Do you want to throw him outside?
ME: SO FUCKING MUCH!
HIM: (rolls down window)
ME: (litters without shame)**
HIM: (rolls window back up)
ME: Did you see how fucking brave I just was?
ME: Did you see that hella brave thing I just did, without hesitation?
HIM: I… yes. I saw you be very brave.
Seriously, how fucking epic was that?
You never know what you’re capable of until you’re tested, and I’m proud to say I came through in a pinch. I’m not saying you definitely want me on your squad in the spiderpocalypse, but if it’s a choice between me and your weird cousin who chews her hair…
Hang on, we were talking about the fudge, weren’t we? Hmm… well there’s hardly time to go into it now, is there?
Oh, all right. There was this one bit of random…
ME: (entering room) Around the corner, fudge is made.
HIM: (turns, horrified)
ME: (points, innocent) I made fudge. It’s (gestures) in the kitchen…
HIM: (catching on) Down the hall and around the corner.
ME: Yeah. (wide-eyed) What di—
HIM: That was a really weird way of announcing it.
ME: (shrugs) Not my fault you’ve got a dirty mind.
* All of you. And your friends—please share the song of my bravery.
** Spiders—while wholly unnatural—are known to decompose quickly and receipts come from trees; it’s fine.