Something About Fudge

 

Audrey’s famous Friendsmas party and cookie exchange is this weekend, which means we’ve got a sitter for the pets (a new one—you know her, actually… she’s the cultist from this story and sometimes I think they like her more than me) and we’re making the drive up to Wisconsin.  Which seems like a lot for a one day event, but you’ve never had those amazing truffles my new mom makes.

 

(HIMYM) Ted and Marshall singing "I Would Walk 500 Miles" in the car

 

 

Anyway, I’ve been baking cookies and making fudge and things and—

 

WAIT!

 

I need to tell you about this thing that happened in the car.  Not on the way to Wisconsin, obviously, because we haven’t gone yet.  But on the way to the baking supply, which is where I had to get my chocolate because when you’re buying this much… anyway, I was super fucking brave and I need to tell the whole world.*

 

 

HIM:  Did I tell you I blahblahblah at work and got really good feedback on the blah blah?
ME:  Uh-huh…
HIM:  Yeah, the yada-yadda-math-stuff and… (becomes indistinct buzz)
ME:  (stares at window)
WINDOW SPIDER:  (eases out of hidden space to torment me)
HIM:  (looks over)  What are you…?
ME:  (panting)  Trying to figure out what to do.
HIM:  Okay, but I’m— (gestures at general road things)
ME:  Right, but there’s a spider.  See.  (squirms further into his lap)  I need him gone, but I don’t want to just open the window because that might fling him into the car.
HIM:  Okay, but… (shifts me out from under pedals)  I’m driving.
ME:  I know!
HIM:  (sighs)
ME:  (to self)  Okay.  Be brave.  Be brave.  (grasps random receipt from coin tray)  Be real fuckin’ brave.   AIEEEEEEEE!
HIM:  WHAT?!
ME:  He moved!  (hyperventilates)  It’s fine.  I’ll just… (to self)  Do this, you earn a drink.  Do it, earn a drink.  Big drink.  Earn your drink.  Come on.  One quick… okay, yikes… nope, gotta just… quick like a cat, quick like a cat, quick like a—HIIIYYYEEE!!!
HIM:  (glances over)  Okay, you got him.
ME:  (peels up corner of folded paper, peers suspiciously)
HIM:  He’s flattened.  You squished it.  Do you want to throw him outside?
ME:  SO FUCKING MUCH!
HIM:  (rolls down window)
ME:  (litters without shame)**
HIM:  (rolls window back up)
ME:  Did you see how fucking brave I just was?
HIM:  I…
ME:  Did you see that hella brave thing I just did, without hesitation?
HIM:  I… yes.  I saw you be very brave.
ME:  (glares)

 

(Toy Story) Buzz Lightyear squinting suspiciously and asking, "you're mocking me, aren't you?"

 

 

 

Seriously, how fucking epic was that?

 

You never know what you’re capable of until you’re tested, and I’m proud to say I came through in a pinch.  I’m not saying you definitely want me on your squad in the spiderpocalypse, but if it’s a choice between me and your weird cousin who chews her hair…

(Burn After Reading) A confused Tilda Swinton looks up then glances around

(glances at post title)

 

 

Hang on, we were talking about the fudge, weren’t we?  Hmm… well there’s hardly time to go into it now, is there?

 

Oh, all right.  There was this one bit of random…

 

 

ME:  (entering room)  Around the corner, fudge is made.
HIM:  (turns, horrified)
ME:  (points, innocent)  I made fudge.  It’s (gestures) in the kitchen…
HIM:  (catching on)  Down the hall and around the corner.
ME:  Yeah.  (wide-eyed)  What di—
HIM:  That was a really weird way of announcing it.
ME:  (shrugs)  Not my fault you’ve got a dirty mind.

 

Illusion: open book with fanned, blank pages on dark background looks like cleavage in a black dress. Text below reads, "Dirty Mind; do you have one?"

 

 

 

 

* All of you.  And your friends—please share the song of my bravery.

** Spiders—while wholly unnatural—are known to decompose quickly and receipts come from trees; it’s fine.

 

 

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8 comments on “Something About Fudge

  1. Victor K says:

    The room where my computer lives has an awful lot of spiders. It bothered me for a while, but then I saw the number of mosquitoes getting killed and figured it’s a fair trade off. They stay away from me, I stay away from them, I don’t get bitten a billion times by idiot suck-bugs. It all works.

    But if I catch them near the keyboard they are flat.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You know what else kills mosquitoes? A bug zapper. And a bug zapper doesn’t have any aspirations to jump in my eye and tangle its creepy fuckin’ legs with my eyelashes while it sucks the juices out of me eyeball.

      Or, if you prefer a more natural approach and outdoor solutions are an option, bats eat way more mosquitoes in a night than spiders do. And they have no eyeball-related side hobbies. Plus, once you’ve bought or built and placed the bat house, you’ve decided where they’re going to live; spiders are assholes who will never offer the same courtesy.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Victor K says:

        Northern Ontario bugs seem to avoid bug zappers, and I hate bats a lot more than I do spiders. They’re harder to crush. Not impossible – just harder.

        Spiders are one thing I’ve not been particularly afraid of, although possibly because of the Northern Ontario thing again. Not a whole lot of venom up here. Bears and coyotes, sure, but not much venom.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. We really need to do something about your irrational fear of our 8 legged friends. They’re glorious creatures who mean you no harm. Please read Charlotte’s Web again and get back to me….

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, I remember that one: family lets idiot farm girl get attached to a pig, then tells her they’re “sending it to a farm” (Jesus, really?) Instead of pointing out there’s only one end in store for this pig. Farmers encounter evidence of demon spider who can fucking write and decide they’ve got a particularly delicious (though eventually too-famous-to-eat) pig. Pig is supported through multiple neuroses by a host of other animals who are 100% going to be eaten and have to make peace with it on their own because there’s no room for anyone else’s feelings with that fucking drama pig around.

      Oh, and I know we leave it with a barn increasingly full of spiders but humans use that building so there’s zero chance they won’t eventually wipe out Charlotte’s less adventurous progeny, causing Wilbur to faint.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes, that’s it exactly. How can you not love spiders after that?
        (Did you know the house and barn where the story takes place really exist and are here in Maine? E.B. White’s 44 acre property was for sale last year. Sorry you missed the opportunity to purchase your very own spider making factory.)

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Jen says:

    I’m the same when it comes to spiders! Why can’t they hide properly like Spiders are supposed to? I always hear about Spiders loving the dark and not liking people and then they come out of there stupid spidey hidey holes and terrorize the giants. The Spiders will die for such efforts!

    …sorry about the rant… umm… but you were awesome at killing that evil spider! How dare it go in the car like that!

    Liked by 1 person

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