Giving It 1400.82%

 

As of this week, I have been married to Husband for 731 weeks.

Mia Farrow stares at calendar, calculating

For those of you who can’t be arsed with either the math or hunting up the handy website that does all the work for you, this means we’ve been married for 14 years.

 

Fourteen.

 

Years.

 

Species that mate for life would look on this union in awe.

swan fight; one swan chasing another out of the water, biting and flapping at it as it flees

“Get out Harold!  We’re goddamned ten years old already!  Who knew I’d have to put up with your shit this long?”

 

Since I am now officially the world expert in marriage (in addition to my duties as The Harbinger of The Christmas Spirit) I thought I might show you just the briefest snapshot of exactly what it takes to keep a marriage going longer than Futurama.*  This is the sort of inside access you can only get by reading this blog religiously.

 

Or, you know, peering in our bedroom window at night.**

(the Simpsons) Homer hangs from gutter outside Ned's bedroom window as Ned (in pajamas) stares, stunned; Homer asks, "Well? Aren't you gonna invite me in?"

 

ME:  (taps his wrist)
HIM:  (extends finger, moves s l o w l y as to boop my nose)
ME:  (bites finger)
HIM:  (boops with thumb)
ME:  (gasps, releasing finger)
HIM:  (laughs)
ME:  (wide-eyed)  How did you even?
HIM:  With my thumb  (demonstrates)
ME:  Sorcery!
HIM:  (laughs)
ME:  (smiles, cuddles)  I’m glad I amuse you.
HIM:  Yeah.
ME:  Oh my god, I’m your cat toy!
HIM:  We could get you a bell.
ME:  I have bells!  (turns toward jewelry box)
HIM:  (laughs)  I know.

 

 

 

* Too soon?  Too soon.

** Incidentally, if that’s you: could you bring your own stepstool next time?  I’m not trying to say you’re fat, but you’re denting our trash bin.

 

 

4 comments on “Giving It 1400.82%

  1. You’re his cat toy? That’s cute.
    Cat box? Not so much…
    Happy 14th!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Depends on the cat, I think. See, his stupid cat, when we first moved to a certain apartment, started sleeping in the litter box. She would get so angry when MY cat would then poop in her “bed.” Meanwhile, she’s terrified of most of the cat toys.

      Yet another story of what’s wrong with his freakin’ cat.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Jen says:

    Happy 14th!
    It feels like I’ve been married always, but it’s been 7yrs and together for 10.
    I like being a cat. A lot of cuddly naps are involved.

    Liked by 1 person

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