As Mature as I Get


In mentioning that I’ve been married for 14 years, that my son can now vote* and is bringing his girlfriend home for Christmas—


Oh, did I not mention that bit?  Because that’s happening.  But you’re distracting me and that’s not the point either!


Yes, I’m nervous.  So nervous.  Oh my fucking lord above you have no idea how nervous.  And every time I think about how nervous I am, I buy her another present.  I haven’t wrapped any of them yet, either, so it’s all a clusterfuck.  THANKS FOR REMINDING ME.

stressed woman wrapping Christmas gifts




I may have, in all of that, given you the impression that I am a mature, grown-up person and that is simply not the case.  I want to disabuse you of this notion now, so we can continue with perfect understanding of one another.  Observe, if you will, this conversation, which happened in the car the other day.  I was driving, which is only important because all of the gesturing was only visible out of the corner of my eye.


Except when I took my eyes completely off the road to have a better look.


Like I said, not a real grown-up.


HIM:  Blahblahblahworkstuff noted we only did the pull test in one direction
ME:  (wonders if I can shove a dated boy band joke into this conversation)
HIM:  (quickly, anticipating) And I jumped up and sketched out how we could do it (gestures)
ME:  (smirks)
HIM:  So now we’re going to do the pull test again (gestures) but in multiple directions (gestures) and at variable speeds and pressures (gestures)
ME:  (bites lip)
HIM:  … Over days, and we’re (still gesturing)
ME:  (giggles)  I’m thoroughly enjoying the gestures, by the way.
HIM:  (stops, huffs)  Yes.  Fine.  We’re jerking off the part.  Now you can write your goddamned blog.
ME:  Oh, but sweetheart, (pats reassuringly)  it’s not my blog.  Remember?  It’s our blog.
HIM:  (sighs)  Yes, true.
ME:  Also, I will be calling this the tug test.
HIM:  Fine.  Anyway, we’ll be blahblahblah (more gestures)… days and we’re fully aware that we’re going to have to replace the test stand several times during that process—
ME:  (raises hand)  Question?
HIM:  (patiently)  Yes?
ME:  Will the tug test involve any… oh, how shall I put this?  …Lubrication?
HIM:  …
ME:  (prays to comedy gods)
HIM:  No.  We will be tugging and pulling completely dry.
ME:  (cackles madly, cannot hear rest of explanation)

(That 70's Show) Mila Kunis laughing wildly, rocking back and forth

Exactly like this.



* And apparently fire a grenade launcher, but that’s a whole ‘nother story.



10 comments on “As Mature as I Get

  1. Jack Herlocker says:

    Okay, I am sure I missed it, and if so a link is fine, but marriage = 14 minus offspring =18 equals 4 years premature? Just wondering, and Shut Up is a qualified answer.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh, come on. Who wouldn’t laugh at that?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sherry Bucalo says:

    OMG you have been together so long, even when he knows what is going to happen he still comes right out with it. I think lube might definitely help LOL

    Liked by 1 person

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