The Truth About Frosty

 

If you thought we were done Christmassing around here you’re not just wrong, you’re Elf on the Shelf levels of wrong.

Elf on the Shelf sits inside a box, wearing a bib that reads, "I'm not gay, but $20 is $20" A candy cane protrudes through a glory hole beside him and a $20 bill dangles above

Shoutout to Hot Mess Memoir for her Elf shenanigans

 

Also, you must be new here.  Welcome!

 

 

See, between travel and work and fun things like parties, we… kind of left the shopping thing until the last minute.  But it’s fine!  Because late gifts just extend the Christmas experience, right?

"it's GLORIOUS!"

Too much is half speed for me

Look, late package arrivals just mean that the Christmas Season gets extended… which means I have a bona fide excuse for why we’re still playing holiday music.*

 

 

HIM:  So I’ve never thought about it, but this song is dark.
ME:  …
HIM:  Frosty the Snowman knew the sun was hot that day—
ME:  Right.  So he said, “Let’s run, and we’ll have some fun before I melt away.”  One last fling before…
HIM:  Okay, but then they’re running here and there all around the square… right to the traffic cop.
ME:  (nods, nervous)
HIM:  And he only paused a moment when he heard him holler, “STOP!
ME:  Well—
HIM:  He just flung himself into traffic.  In front of all those kids!
ME:  (chews lip)  … He was… getting slippy?
HIM:  This song is about suicide.
ME:  Okay, but… he’ll be back on Christmas day!
HIM:  (shakes head sadly)
ME:  … Oh.

 

 

Shit.  This was meant to be funny, I swear.  It wasn’t meant to be depressing at all.

 

Erm… how ‘bout this?

 

Long, triangular prism shaped gift wrapped in sheet music paper, with burgundy bow

Alexander Hamilton for reference.  And also because he’s usually all over whatever I’m doing.

 

Who wants to guess what I got Offspring for Christmas?  I mean, one of the things… I got him other things that he actually asked for, but couldn’t pass up the opportunity to confuzzle him with an oddly-shaped package containing what I consider to be an ideal gift.

 

Please leave guesses in the comments so we can call this a Guessing Game post rather than that post where I ruined everyone’s childhood.  Because I already got in trouble over the Little Piggies thing and I’m pretty sure there will be actual charges filed eventually.

 

piglet in a basket amid fall foliage. Text reads, "How old were you when you first realized the little piggy didn't go to market to SHOP?"

HIM: (stunned)  TODAY.  I was TODAY years old.  Why would you SAY that?!?

 

 

 

* Not that I needed one.  Again, you know that if you’re not new.

 

 

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22 comments on “The Truth About Frosty

  1. Silly girl, the piggie went to market to buy truffles. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. As for the gift, please don’t tell me you’ve given him an axe with which to kill piggies because that will ruin my day….

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Sherry Bucalo says:

    A recorder?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Bex says:

    It’s kinda shaped like a Toblerone… I’ve never had one, but I hear they’re yummy. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Jack Herlocker says:

    Is that a bow tie on the mystery package? If so, very elegant touch. And I’m with Bex on the Toblerone.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Not a proper bow tie, just a small bow I made (yes, I make all my bows) to suit the package.

      It is still not a Toblerone, but everyone who guesses Toblerone will be visited by the Toblerone fairy. She does not reliably distribute chocolate treats, I’m afraid, but she can be counted on to tell you all about the history of this treat and lecture you on the importance of brushing your teeth right after enjoying one (which she, again, may or may not bring with her, the lazy cunt.)

      Like

  6. Victor K says:

    Hmmm. Would have guessed Toblerone, but it has been discounted already. A gift for keeping his lady friend happy, just in an odd-shaped box?

    And if that answer doesn’t make him uncomfortable, just wow for that level of confidence!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. With all the crap I’ve been going through, I’m not even apologizing for the fact that I have yet to mail my Christmas cakes.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Arionis says:

    Is it one of those 20 question games? The ones that have to have a microphone in it listening to what you say, because it couldn’t possibly get it right so often.

    Liked by 1 person

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