Actual Conversations With Alexa

 

Because I am a delightful mass of contradictions, no one can predict which technologies I will embrace the instant they are available and which ones I will shun until a loved one drags me, kicking and screaming, into the century of the fruitbat.*

 

Example: though I complain about delays of microseconds** everywhere else in my life, I will beta test any game that appeals even a little bit.  I also howled in frustration when my phone wasn’t one of the first hundred or so delivered.  But I only agreed to download the goddamned parking meter app because A) the meter charged my card double the day before and B) I forgot my wallet and it was my turn to pay for parking again.  No choice there, and I was getting shame for not having already done it.

 

Also, I only just got an Echo for Christmas.

 

 

To be fair, I’ve been using the Alexa app on my phone for a bit, but she’s sort of neutered on that platform—google made a hell of a deal and there’s no getting around it.  But yeah, until very recently if I wanted a light turned on or off I had to walk over to it, raise my arm all by myself, and manually flick the switch like some sort of primitive.

 

But no more!  Alexa is here to make it all better.

(The Good Place) Smiling excited Janet gives two thumbs up

 

Sort of.

 

ME:  Alexa, pause.
ALEXA:  (pauses music)
ME:  (drunk on power)  Alexa, resume.
ALEXA:  Hmm… I don’t know that one.
ME:  What the… Alexa!  Resume!
ALEXA:  …
ME:  ALEXA!
HIM:  This is what 2019 is going to be like.
ALEXA:  Sorry, I can’t predict that.
ME:  (to him)  Shut up!
HIM:  (laughs)

(from "The Good Place) glitching Janet hands Eneanor yet another cactus

 

 

ME:  Alexa, shuffle my playlist, All Things Christmas, on repeat.
ALEXA:  Playing your playlist, All Things Christmas, on loop.
HIM:  Did you run out of Christmas?
ME:  I think that’s why she’s been stopping.
HIM:  You’ve got thousands of hours of music!
ME:  (shrugs)  (tilts head, listening)  Alexa, next song.
ALEXA:  (begins The Stowaway)
HIM:  ?
ME:  Alexa, next.
ALEXA:  (begins Cantiga de Santa Maria)
ME:  Alexa, next.
ALEXA:  (begins Gloucestershire Wassail)
HIM:  What are you—
ME:  Checking to see if it’s actually shuffling.  And it isn’t.  Alexa, shuffle.
ALEXA:  Turning on shuffle mode.
HIM:  How could you tell?
ME:  Because it played the two singles at the top of the list, then it started playing from the same album.  How could you not tell?
HIM:  …
ME:  Oh my God… it all sounds the same to you!
HIM:   (shrugs)
ME:  How are we married?!  (storms off)
HIM:  I tricked you.  Remember?

 

 

I did eventually teach her a few tricks and we’re getting on much better now, but it was a rocky start. 

(The Good Place) Janet demonstrates her mastery of the "middle finger trick" (intertwines her middle fingers, then twists her hands so the fingers appear to be protruding from an impossible angle) Jason gestures proudly, grinning.

 

And not everyone seems to understand that her routines are just for me.

 

 

HIM:  Alexa, goodnight.
ALEXA:  (turns off lights)  Goodnight.  Sleep like a log.
HIM:  (joins me in bed)  Alexa told me to sleep like a log.
ME:  (braces)
HIM:  So I’m going to make sawing sounds
ME:  NO, that is not what that means.
HIM:  (laughing)  Dunno, sounded like permission to—
ME:  LOGS DON’T MAKE ANY NOISE ONLY SAWS MAKE NOISE LOGS JUST LIE THERE.
HIM:  (laughs himself to sleep)

(The Good Place) Happy smiling Janet waves energetically, saying "bye guys!"

 

 

 

 

 

* Please tell me you got that reference so we can be best friends.

** Yes, really.

 

 

 

13 comments on “Actual Conversations With Alexa

  1. Victor K says:

    I not only got the reference, I had to stop and re-read the sentence because it made me happy to see it.

    “… drag them kicking and screaming into the century of the fruitbat.” “Isn’t the century of the fruitbat almost over?” “Probably time for us to join it then.”

    Liked by 2 people

  2. rachaelstray says:

    I just did a snort in the office laughing at that log bit!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Colleen says:

    Century of the fruitbat is in fact over. It is now the century of the anchovy. And now I have to go and reread all the books!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ok seriously I’ve been meaning to comment for the last year as I feel you and your husband are the american equivalent of me and my boyfriend, we have way too much in common but the century of the fruitbat is the final straw. I’ve been to multiple Discworld conventions over here in the UK, got every book and wear the lilac both on 12th March and 25th May. Just when you think someone can’t get any more awesome… but then if you ARE our A
    american twins I should’ve known you can.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. We don’t have a home talky robot, but my husband just got our first smart light globe, and I’m pretty sure that’s the first symptom.

    (PS, I got the reference so hard that I absorbed it without registering because I just assumed it was a normal thing to say until I read the footnote and was like oh right, that’s not a generally known saying, there are people who wouldn’t get that reference)

    Liked by 1 person

  6. *quietly shuffles backwards away from the spotlight wishing to comment but didn’t get the reference so is filled with shame and embarrassment thinking that less will be thought of her now that her philistine truth is laid bare for all to see which is a real shame because she really loves this blog as one of the funniest out there but can’t pretend that she knows anything about Year of the Fruitbat and she really likes fruitbats though she couldn’t eat a whole one.

    Liked by 1 person

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