There are a handful of movies coming in 2019 that will be getting this treatment, but I can’t say I’m as excited about any of them as I was for Glass.* And despite a poorly-timed release** I came away happy.
I also feel sorry for all of you! Because you didn’t get to see all the incredible deleted scenes, and I feel like they really add something—don’t they always?
Here then are my favorite deleted scenes from Glass, probably in no particular order… although I make no promises because frankly I’m getting hangry and you know how I get when I’m hangry.
(INTERIOR—scary industrial building)
SPLIT: Would anyone like a PB&J?
CHEERLEADER1: Is that, like, a sex thing? Because you’re—
SPLIT: No, it’s not a—why would you even think that?
CHEERLEADER2: Okay, but if it is a sex thing, would you let us go if we do it?
CHEERLEADER3: Gross, Stacy!
CHEERLEADER4: Um, do we all have to do it? Or can—
SPLIT: IT IS NOT A SEX THING! Jesus, what the fuck is with you cheerleaders?
CHEERLEADER1: Hey, you’re the one walking around in all the weird outfits
CHEERLEADER4: Panting all over us, whispering about purity and shit.
CHEERLEADER3: It’s super creepy.
SPLIT: I am a proud member of the Horde—
CHEERLEADER1: Did he say horde or whore?
SPLIT: THAT’S IT! (points menacingly) The Beast will be here soon and he is going to eat you!
CHEERLEADER: Could he just (gestures) eat Stacy? And then let the rest of us go?
SPLIT: Okay, seriously, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU GIRLS?
(INTERIOR: hospital corridor)
SARAH PAULSON: (exits patient room)
ORDERLY: Holy shit, you’re Sarah Paulson!
SARAH PAULSON: (signature smile) Yes. Yes I am.
ORDERLY: Oh my god, are you here filming American Superhero Story?
SARAH PAULSON: That’s… not a thing.
ORDERLY: Well, not yet. Because you haven’t made it.
SARAH PAULSON: No, because superheroes don’t exist.
ORDERLY: …Riiiiight. So about that guy who bends steel bars but can be stopped dead with a squirt gun.
SARAH PAULSON: Yes?
ORDERLY: You know his door is made of regular old metal, right?
SARAH PAULSON: Right. Because he’s not actually a super hero and he can’t actually bend metal.
ORDERLY: Even though we have video of him and the other guy doing exactly that?
SARAH PAULSON: (huffs) Do you have any other questions for me? I’m about to go into a session and—
ORDERLY: Yeah, the scary old guy—the super-genius who’s killed thousands of people with like his brain and a paperclip or whatever?
SARAH PAULSON: Mr. Gl—Mr. Price, yes.
ORDERLY: Um, he’s been getting out of his room.
SARAH PAULSON: I’m sure it’s fine. He’s in a wheelchair.
SARAH PAULSON: …
ORDERLY: Okay, but he did all that other—
SARAH PAULSON: No, he’s a frail old man in a wheelchair. It’s fine.
ORDERLY: O-kaaaaay. I’m just gonna… go schedule some vacation time. Totally unrelated to anything we’ve been doing here.
SARAH PAULSON: Okie dokie!
(INTERIOR—soothing pink room)
SARAH PAULSON: I hope everyone got a good rest; we’re about to begin our first group therapy session.
UNBREAKABLE: Hang on. Why am I the one chained to the floor? (rattles chains) You know these can’t actually hold me, right?
SARAH PAULSON: And that delusion is one of the things we’re here to discuss.
UNBREAKABLE: Delusion? Are you—
GLASS: Hold up. She said group therapy.
SARAH PAULSON: That’s right. We’re just waiting on the last patient.
SPLIT: (saunters in, takes seat)
GLASS: Aw hell no.
UNBREAKABLE: Are you fucking kidding me? And still I’m the only one chained up?
GLASS: I am sick of all these motherfucking supers in this motherfucking hospital!
SPLIT: (whispers) Wrong movie.
SARAH PAULSON: And you’re not superheroes.
SPLIT: Holy shit, it’s Sarah Paulson!
UNBREAKABLE: I can’t believe you locked me in here with a pair of serial killers.
GLASS: I resent that.
SARAH PAULSON: Yes, let’s abandon the labels for a moment—
GLASS: No, I mean I’m not a serial killer.
SARAH PAULSON: (checks notes)
UNBREAKABLE: You’ve killed thousands of people!
SPLIT: Way more than I have.
GLASS: I’ll have you know I am a mass murderer.
UNBREAKABLE: What’s the fucking difference?
GLASS: A mass murderer kills a number of people—four or more—at a single location with no cooling off period. A serial killer (points)
SARAH PAULSON: Labels—
GLASS: Kills at multiple locations, on multiple occasions, spaced out in what’s termed a “cooling off period.” As opposed to a spree killer, who may kill as many people at multiple locations, but with little or no delay between killings.
SARAH PAULSON: How… How do you know all of that?
GLASS: (shrugs) I defended myself at the trial. Oh, and I’m an evil fucking genius.
SARAH PAULSON: You’re all here because you think you’re… characters from a comic book
GLASS: Umm… (raises hand) Question?
SARAH PAULSON: Yes… whichever one you are, what is it?
SPLIT: Is there a reason you’re avoiding the term “super heroes?”
SARAH PAULSON: (sighs)
UNBREAKABLE: She (air quotes) doesn’t believe in super heroes.
GLASS: That’s not it.
SARAH PAULSON: (glares)
GLASS: Tell them the truth, Sarah.
SARAH PAULSON: I don’t think—
GLASS: Marvel owns that term now.
SARAH PAULSON: It’s complicated.
GLASS: DC got “mutant” and now Marvel insists they own the term “super hero”
UNBREAKABLE: You mean this isn’t a Marvel movie?
SARAH PAULSON: (shakes head sadly)
GLASS: SAY “WHAT” ONE MORE TIME, MOTHERFUCKER. SAY IT!
SARAH PAULSON: …
UNBREAKABLE: (leaning forward) Wrong movie. Again.
GLASS: I will—
SPLIT: But we’re still doing American Superhero Story, right?
SARAH PAULSON: That’s not a thing!
SPLIT: Then why is Sarah Paulson here?
(INTERIOR: hospital room)
SPLIT: (hanging from ceiling) You can get us out?
GLASS: I’m going to get us out. All of us. And I’m going to show the world what we’re capable of, so that none will ever again doubt—
SPLIT: Yeah, sure. But I still get to eat people, right?
GLASS: Yes, you’ll get to eat people. See, we’re both villains and we’re teaming up to prove to the world that—
SPLIT: For the love of fuck, can you stop monologuing for one second? I mean, have you ever seen a superhero movie?
GLASS: I’m more a fan of comic books.
SPLIT: That… explains a lot, actually. Fine. Where do we start.
GLASS: (tents fingers evilly) There’s just one thing we need before we begin.
(INTERIOR: hospital corridor)
SPLIT: (standing guard) (whispers) What are we—
GLASS: (over crashing sounds) WHERE THE HELL IS MY SUPER SUIT?!
SPLIT: (rolls eyes)
PASSING ORDERLY: (quietly, to Split) He gets like this sometimes. (louder) Wrong movie, Glassman!
* Full disclosure: I’m more disappointed than ever that Kryptonite didn’t appear anywhere in the soundtrack for this movie. Come on Universal, Blinding Edge, et al! Do you need me to come ‘round and explain irony to you?
** This was a holiday movie if I’ve ever seen one. We sat around on Christmas day, after the presents were opened and the chocolate was consumed, wishing we could get out of the call to my father by escaping to a movie, but this wasn’t out yet was it? For shame, M Night.