Against everyone’s better judgment and Husband’s clearly expressed wishes, I’ve been watching that Netflix series Killer Women. Piers Morgan goes and interviews inmates (ladies, titularly*) convicted of murder as well as all other concerned parties who will agree to at least five or six words, profanity excluded.
It’s sensationalism, I know, but some of the stories are actually interesting. Some are truly heartbreaking. And some… well, like all programming, it seems that some episodes were cut specifically to wind me the fuck up.
This post, by the way, does not exist to tell you about a show which—if we have anything in common—is either in your queue or you already saw it. No, it’s to point out that there is no topic with which Husband and I can begin a conversation that will guarantee we won’t go at least a bit off the rails into a whole ‘nother conversation and it is only by chance—and a good deal of practice—that we return, safely and smoothly, to the original topic with barely a quarter of an hour lost to our ramble.
ME: (at television) THAT’S NOT WHAT THAT MEANS!!!
HIM: (taking off headphones) Sorry, what?
ME: It… that… (takes deep breath) Okay, the acronym FUBAR,
ME: (holds up hand) At-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-tut… that… expression—is it an adjective, or a verb?
HIM: A— (tilts head, ponders)
ME: For example, do you say, “that’s FUBAR,” or “this is FUBAR” or would you say, “I’m going to FUBAR” or even “I want to FUBAR”
HIM: Either? I mean, you wouldn’t… but let me turn it around on you: I’ve heard people say, “This is FUBARd.”
ME: Right, because people are stupid and don’t know that that modification is built right into the F.
HIM: Exactly. But that word can be just about anything.
ME: ‘s a marvelous word.
HIM: Fuck is a noun, a verb, a—
ME: Yes, it can fill just about any function required, which is why it’s the best word. But that particular acronym has only one—
HIM: I disagree. You can say that someone is FUBARing.
ME: You would need an object.
HIM: Not necessarily. A verb doesn’t always need an object.
ME: No, but one like that does. Look, let’s replace it with… say, “alter.” You can say, “the situation is altered,” or “I altered the table,” but you wouldn’t say, “I altered” without any object because it’s ambiguous and leaves the listener hanging, waiting for you to finish your fucking sentence.
HIM: … I might say, “I’m altering the agreement.”
ME: Okay, but then everyone’s just going to get uncomfortable because you’re going to do that thing where you pretend you can force choke them and it’s—
ME: And by the way, that was too obscure! It took me way too long to get that one!
HIM: Fine. What was the actual context for this?
ME: She said he used to say, “I just want to FUBAR”
HIM: That’s not how you use it.
ME: Right? And then Piers Morgan asked, “What does that mean?” because even he knows she used it wrong, and she just sort of (waves hand) “to kill my whole family.”
HIM: THAT’S NOT WHAT THAT MEANS!
ME: THAT’S WHAT I SAID!
* Fuck off, spellcheck—that’s a word and I used it in the most correct way: my use fits both meanings and I crammed a double entendre in there. So nyah.