My Divorced Week

 

I’m torn.

 

On the one hand, I promised you a return to the usual—read, the fun and the funny—today.

Hand with tiny hands as finger puppets on each finger

But on the other hand… I have different fingers.

 

 

I also kind of want to get real about something here, or at least explain why last week was so rough.*

 

And maybe—maybe—offer some real advice.

 

Exasperated woman explains, "you don't just kiss someone after they've peed!"

Yes, but also…

 

First, let’s address the title of this post: last night I slept in our bed for the first time in a week.  I only just now put my wedding ring back on.  Yep, it was that bad; I made up the guest room for myself and slept in there (which the animals loved, because they’re remarkably selfish but excellent at cuddling.)  I barely spoke to my husband for a full week, even disappearing without telling him where I was going or how long I would be gone.**

 

I’m not going to address the thing that sparked the argument that flared into the week-long freeze-out, partly because it stopped being important within minutes (as we’ll see in a moment) but also because it’s not really the point here.  The point, and the thing I learned, is this: even a very strong relationship—which I still think we have—is a fragile thing.  Our slightest actions (or inaction!) have an effect.  Yet we—Husband and I are not alone in this—are constantly sabotaging our partnerships, trusting that “it’ll be fine,” and “they’ll understand,” or worse, “it doesn’t matter.”

 

Let me give an example that is totally unrelated to last week.  I have had a tote bag in the bedroom, next to our shared closet, for months now.  It’s propped against the closet doors on my side in such a way that Husband can only open his door a little bit before it gets hung up on the bag.  Now, once every few weeks or so he opens his closet door as far as he can and huffs about the bag, whereupon I roll my eyes and think about how not-even-a-thing it is.  I mean, I could move it in like nine seconds so what’s he complaining about?

young woman demonstrates full-body eyeroll, head lolling from one side to the other before dropping forward as her eyes roll in the ultimate expression of "that was soooo stupid"

 

Another one: Husband occasionally gets stuffed up at night—just randomly in the middle of the night.  Allergies or something, who knows.  But it makes it uncomfortable for him to use his CPAP so he takes it off.  And the snoring begins.  So I wake up and complain about said snoring and he says he’s stuffed up and can’t use the CPAP.  He doesn’t get up to take anything for the stuffiness, of course, because it’s “not so bad,” and I resign myself to reading quietly until he wakes up and I can go back to sleep; he judges me for “sleeping in,” and I quietly resent the disruption. 

awake and plotting

 

But I don’t say anything, because… well, because it’s a microfracture.  A nothing little non-issue that doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things and almost takes less time to get over than it does to mention.

 

In each of these examples, we have sent the other a message: this very simple thing I could do to increase your comfort is too much to ask, because you’re not worth it to me.

 

If that sounds like an exaggeration, consider how many times recently you’ve sent your partner or loved one that same message.  I know I was absolutely leveled when I realized how often I do it.  And then I moved the fucking bag.

 

So, what happened last week?  Well, a thing was said.  Then someone pointed out that the thing was hurtful and an argument ensued about whether it was reasonable to be hurt by the thing.  More things were said, and the argument escalated.  Worse things were said.  But the worst thing was that hurt feelings didn’t warrant an immediate cessation of hostility.  How?  Hurt feelings should be un-fucking-acceptable between us—a thing we agreed on once talks resumed a week later.  But how did we get to a point where, “That was hurtful,” isn’t enough to stop a fight dead in its tracks?

 

I didn’t move my bag.  He didn’t take a decongestant.  We weren’t important enough every teeny tiny stupid insignificant step of the way.  And our marriage almost slipped away, not over an argument that I’m not going to script out for you because it isn’t the point, but over a series of microfractures that weakened it over time in ways we didn’t notice.

 

We’re still here.  We’re strong.  We talked, kissed, hugged (medicinal hugs, he offered and I love him so fucking much for understanding and offering without being asked) and cuddled and talked.  And there will be more talking.  But mostly?  We’ve really got to watch those little things.

 

They almost cost us everything.

close-up of couple's hands as they intertwine over bedcovers

 

 

 

 

* Side note: what was with last week in general?  I swear it wasn’t just me—I was texting friends to say, “I’m sad, cheer me up!” and the responses I got were all variations on, “sorry, can’t help you, today has sucked nonstop without swallowing.”

** Calm your tits, Independent People; I don’t care who you’re living with, it’s just plain rude not to let them know when they can expect to see you again.

 

 

 

Advertisements

29 comments on “My Divorced Week

  1. Jeffy says:

    Sending you and Husband extra hugs this week. I’m going to furtively check my metaphorical closet for bags. Thank you for the reminder. Xx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. gingerbread76 says:

    Yep. Something in the water. Tarazan and I didn’t sleep in separate bedrooms but some things were said that resulted in me deleting my Facebook page. I’ve been thinking about making a similar post. Hang in there.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I debated writing this, I really did. But honestly, I felt it needed to be said. Not in a vent to my friends, (who would want details and expect to take sides or coo over my feelings or watch us later for signs) but out of a general sense of responsibility. I have a blog about my marriage. It’s a good marriage—I think even a great one at times—but no marriage is perfect and it does no one any favors for me to pretend it is.

      Liked by 4 people

  3. Having been married a long (lonnnng) time, I understand your situation completely and absolutely. Once you make it past the first few years and the major issues that can break you apart? It’s those little, inconsequential quirks that can be the death of a relationship. They wear on you, day in and day out. Feelings are hurt, resentments start to sizzle and before you know it they become a “thing”. I think every marriage has them, and some are manageable… some not. The trick is to recognize which ones you can live with. My husband snores. Always has, always will. (I wear ear plugs to stop myself from stabbing him in his sleep.)
    It sounds trite but communication really is important. We tend to take our partners for granted after years of being together and that’s never a good thing. Very glad you were able to work things out…
    ❣️

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Bex says:

    As a newly wed still within our first year, I think this is superb advice. I’m sorry it happened to you guys, but thanks for sharing your experience for us young’ins to learn from. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Its rubbish that you went through that but thanks for putting it out there because I definitely do this without thinking about it, I’ll need to be more mindful 😊

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m glad people seem to be finding it helpful—I was a little worried about the response I’d get from such a “downer” post early in the week. But the reason my instagram is so sparse is because I can’t be arsed to fake a perfect life for the camera, so it felt right to let it all show here, for better or for worse.

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Jack Herlocker says:

    Thank you for writing and posting this. We have a wonderful, perfect marriage… so I will send a link to this post to my wife, and we will talk about it on the drive home tonight. Because sometimes I’m a self-centered person who doesn’t pick up on clues or know when to put quotes around [perfect marriage]. And discussions are good.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Mrs.Tallamy says:

    I loved this. Celebrating 20 years this month with mine and have to say THIS is the lesson we’re learning as we grow deeper roots together. Perfect example… We crossed a line with each other just last night. Both tired. Both cranky. Me more than him. So I said– can we pick this up tomorrow? I’m not going to behave well if we continue tonight. So we left it alone and the evening ended peacefully. Not some Titanic moment into the sunset. But peacefully. Someone said it in your comments– we chose happiness (peaceful evening) over being right. And it was the kindest choice. We’ll readdress the thing when we’re able to listen to each other. It’s a strong move to address the scratches and bruises of everyday life together. Untended little hurts– when compounded– create big wounds.

    Liked by 2 people

    • You said it very well just there, “Not some Titanic moment into the sunset…” We’re well past the big movie-kiss moments in our relationship, but I like where we are now better anyway. Warts and all. Because for all my drama and flailing and general loud weirdness, my happy place is snuggled up on the couch under that a m a z i n g heated blanket with my feet tucked under him.

      Like

  8. What a heartfelt honest post. We’re 14 years along and I think a huge part of our strength is we became best friends before we became a couple. We saw each other at our worst long before we lovey-ed up and saw each other at our best. It’s made us realists. I’m so glad you found a way through and found perspective. I try to remember there’s enough shit in the world without inventing some at home. Wishing you both a continued very happy marriage 😊.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Friends First is highly recommended. Husband and I were friends for years—we joke that we didn’t know we were dating until everyone told us about it—and it meant that a lot of the “who are you really?” stuff was already sorted. So much nicer than dating someone for a year before finding out they were faking their love of pets! (true story, that)

      Liked by 1 person

  9. jen7iris says:

    Thanks for sharing. And I can confirm…last week was generally the worst I’ve experienced in a very long time.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. WDS says:

    The microfractures look/seem/appear unimportant.

    They add up. Then you have The Grand Canyon, which neither of you will get across.

    Great write up and much appreciated by myself.

    (Not cleaning up your car vomit in someone else’s car. Not ok and a Deal breaker.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. WDS says:

    Yes.

    ….”not cleaning up your own car vomit”? Not ok.

    Microfractures are not about the thing.
    They are about the message, “you are not important enough to me”

    and that is a deal breaker, eventually.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s