One of our favorite things—which you’d probably never guess unless you really know us—is stupid people and the shit they do for our entertainment.
Specifically, we will mockwatch* conspiracy shows,** documentaries about epic failure… whatever Netflix generously provides for our consumption. (And it’s a lot. Someone go thank them for all the good work they do—I’m busy drunk watching some bridezilla bitches scream about sequins)
Our recent favorite? Behind the Curve, a thorough-yet-baffling look at the flat earther movement.
- .. what?
- Holy shit, these people aren’t fucking joking.
- DUDE YOU CAN’T SAY YOU’RE “BEATING SCIENCE” IF YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO GOOGLE.
- A basic understanding of how eyeballs work is sorely needed.
- Spoiler: invest in globes—they’re not going anywhere.
Also, this happened:
IDIOT SCIENTIST: Nobody is Ursula in their own story.
ME: (raises hand) Uh… !
FLAT EARTHER: I think what’s really great here is that we’ve proved that we’re not just floating around on some insignificant dust speck—
ME: (pauses film) Okay, I get it now.
ME: This is more of that bullshit.
HIM: It’s all—
ME: It’s the same appeal that comic books have.
HIM: I don’t—
ME: It’s that thing, that, “No, really, don’t feel lost and insignificant in this vast and amazing world—you’re special!”
HIM: (catching on) Oh yeah…
ME: It’s just like Harry Potter or Star Wars or The Matrix or any super hero thing: the reason you feel lost and confused isn’t because we all feel lost and confused, it’s because you’re different. You’re the only one who’s figured it out. You’re special. You’re The One. Only they’re taking it to a weird place and saying it’s also all of us, and that our planet isn’t an amazing cosmological miracle of exactly the right circumstances for exactly these species; it’s all a Truman Show. It’s… it’s a habitrail!
ME: And by the way, what… how fucked is your thinking that that’s somehow fun and reassuring and something to make delightful models and furniture out of?
ME: I’m sorry, but if I really thought we were living under a giant bubble—
HIM: If somebody could actually prove it—
ME: (nods) My first question would be, “WHO BUILT THIS FUCKING HABITRAIL?!” Because I would make it my personal mission to smash that shit and get out.
HIM: (laughs, nodding)
ME: (gestures violently) Because I deserve to not live in a habitrail!
ME: (passionately) And I am the Ursula in my story. I deserve to not live in a cave while my brother sits on a throne and rules the seas, and I will make his daughter a shit deal and steal her voice and her prince and fuck her world like no other to get out of that cave!
HIM: … Sometimes I think it’s a very good thing you’re an only child.
* Similar to hate-watching, but with more pausing for laughter.
** Warning: Conspiracies was occasionally quite good but some of the “conspiracies” were just… known facts. Like, scandals that maybe sounded crazy at the time but have since been fully outed. Others—and this was the beauty of the show—were so off-the-rails batshit that you’d have to believe literally millions of people were in on it. I’ve seen a surprise party spoiled when only two people knew about it, so…