Flat Earth

 

One of our favorite things—which you’d probably never guess unless you really know us—is stupid people and the shit they do for our entertainment.

 

Specifically, we will mockwatch* conspiracy shows,** documentaries about epic failure… whatever Netflix generously provides for our consumption.  (And it’s a lot.  Someone go thank them for all the good work they do—I’m busy drunk watching some bridezilla bitches scream about sequins)

 

 

Our recent favorite?  Behind the Curve, a thorough-yet-baffling look at the flat earther movement.

movie poster for Behind The Curve depicts a discus Earth surrounded by a wall of "ice" with "sun" and "moon" lights suspended above. Tagline: "See the world in a whole new shape"

 

Takeaways:

  1. .. what?
  2. Holy shit, these people aren’t fucking joking.
  3. DUDE YOU CAN’T SAY YOU’RE “BEATING SCIENCE” IF YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO GOOGLE.
  4. A basic understanding of how eyeballs work is sorely needed.
  5. Spoiler: invest in globes—they’re not going anywhere.

 

Also, this happened:

 

IDIOT SCIENTIST:  Nobody is Ursula in their own story.
ME:  (raises hand)  Uh… !
HIM:  (laughs)
FLAT EARTHER:  I think what’s really great here is that we’ve proved that we’re not just floating around on some insignificant dust speck—
ME:  (pauses film)  Okay, I get it now.
HIM:  ?
ME:  This is more of that bullshit.
HIM:  It’s all—
ME:  It’s the same appeal that comic books have.
HIM:  I don’t—
ME:  It’s that thing, that, “No, really, don’t feel lost and insignificant in this vast and amazing world—you’re special!”
HIM:  (catching on)  Oh yeah…
ME:  It’s just like Harry Potter or Star Wars or The Matrix or any super hero thing: the reason you feel lost and confused isn’t because we all feel lost and confused, it’s because you’re different.  You’re the only one who’s figured it out.  You’re special.  You’re The One.  Only they’re taking it to a weird place and saying it’s also all of us, and that our planet isn’t an amazing cosmological miracle of exactly the right circumstances for exactly these species; it’s all a Truman Show.  It’s… it’s a habitrail!
HIM:  Yup.
ME:  And by the way, what… how fucked is your thinking that that’s somehow fun and reassuring and something to make delightful models and furniture out of?
HIM:  Right?
ME:  I’m sorry, but if I really thought we were living under a giant bubble—
HIM:  If somebody could actually prove it—
ME:  (nods)  My first question would be, “WHO BUILT THIS FUCKING HABITRAIL?!”  Because I would make it my personal mission to smash that shit and get out.
HIM:  (laughs, nodding)
ME:  (gestures violently)  Because I deserve to not live in a habitrail!
HIM:  (nods)
ME:  (passionately)  And I am the Ursula in my story.  I deserve to not live in a cave while my brother sits on a throne and rules the seas, and I will make his daughter a shit deal and steal her voice and her prince and fuck her world like no other to get out of that cave!
HIM:  … Sometimes I think it’s a very good thing you’re an only child.

Ursula (from The Little Mermaid) applies lipstick and blows a kiss at her mirror

Bitch, I’m too fabulous for there to be two of me.

 

 

* Similar to hate-watching, but with more pausing for laughter.

** Warning: Conspiracies was occasionally quite good but some of the “conspiracies” were just… known facts.  Like, scandals that maybe sounded crazy at the time but have since been fully outed.  Others—and this was the beauty of the show—were so off-the-rails batshit that you’d have to believe literally millions of people were in on it.  I’ve seen a surprise party spoiled when only two people knew about it, so…

 

 

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9 comments on “Flat Earth

  1. Sorry I can’t comment… I’m too busy pondering the habitrail phenomena.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Leah says:

    Oh my GOD my husband turned that on this weekend and at about the half hour mark I was like “No. Turn this off. I know there are people this stupid on the planet but I don’t want to hear it with my own two ears.” 🙈

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Mocking others is also one of one of the things my husband and I enjoy, lol. I haven’t watched this, but I love how even the title mocks them, lol.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Last year I had someone living in my house who believed pretty much every conspiracy out there. Including that contrails were made by the Gubmint spraying us with toxins, and we couldn’t escape because they went into the AIR. When I asked her what the Gubmit peeps and their children breathed … well, she was pissed. Apparently hadn’t thought about that. But it made no difference – she was just pissed at me for “mocking her beliefs”. By asking a question – and I wasn’t even smiling!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m impressed; how did you keep a straight face for that conversation?!

      Like

      • Honestly? I was fascinated. I’m always interested in how people think and reach the conclusions they reach. And look, I’m a Christian. I’m well aware that some people would find my beliefs profoundly illogical, but I’m very available to talk about why I believe the way I do, and support my beliefs with data. What others do with that data is up to them. So when I run across someone whose ideas seem completely whackadoo, I’m actually interested to know how they reached them. It’s disappointing when they have so little regard for their own beliefs that they won’t try to explain or defend them.

        Liked by 2 people

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