Set aside your fears of girl power* and grunge, because the time has come to reveal my favorite deleted scenes from Captain Marvel, a film which features:
- An alien cat named Goose
- The 90’s-est soundtrack ever
- An actual Radio Shack**
- 2-eyed Nick Fury and fetus Agent Coulson
As always, these are deleted scenes, so if you haven’t seen the film yet (totally understandable, I won’t judge… unless you wait another week, then I’m judging you like woah) you won’t find any spoilers here.
I still haven’t forgiven Jake for spoiling The Force Awakens;*** I would never do that to you.
JUDE LAW: (answers door) It is ridiculously early.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: Can’t sleep. Wanna train?
JUDE LAW: You know I’ll just kick your ass.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: But… I have actual super powers!
JUDE LAW: Yeah, but you’re not allowed to use them.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: That seems like a bullshit rule…
JUDE LAW: And exposition!
CAPTAIN MARVEL: Whatever. (punches him)
JUDE LAW: (pins her) Nicely done, but I suspect you of being “emotional” and “shrill” so you’ll have to face The Intelligence, which is our governing body and also ruddy mysterious. It controls everything and tells us how to live and we never ever talk about it except in hushed tones.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: I know this. I’ve lived here for ages. Why are you explaining it again?
JUDE LAW: You woke me up really early and I couldn’t get my exposition done in private!
CAPTAIN MARVEL: …Weirdo. Fine, let’s go.
TENTACLE INTELLIGENCE: We are fighting the Skrull, a species that can take the face and form of literally anyone right down to the DNA. You are one of our soldiers, and you—
CAPTAIN MARVEL: OH MY GOD I KNOW ALL OF THIS!
TENTACLE INTELLIGENCE: So emotional.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: So expositional! What is with everyone today?
TENTACLE INTELLIGENCE: Well… we heard you might also be a little slow.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: (suspicious look)
TENTACLE INTELLIGENCE: We… forgot how long you’ve been here?
CAPTAIN MARVEL: No you didn’t.
TENTACLE INTELLIGENCE: Fine. It’s because we’ve got a lot of plot to get through and the writers decided to yada-yadda this bit to keep the runtime down.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: Fair enough.
NICK FURY: Nick Fury. Nice to meet you.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: Wait… that’s seriously your name?
NICK FURY: (shrugs) Everybody calls me Fury.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: Everybody?
NICK FURY: (over his sunglasses) Everybody.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: What does your mom call you?
NICK FURY: Fury.
AGENT COULSON: (in backseat) That’s not true.
NICK FURY: You shut your fuckin’ mouth!
AGENT COULSON: His mama calls him Mr. Glass!
CAPTAIN MARVEL: Why—
NICK FURY: (turning around) Motherfucker I will—
CAPTAIN MARVEL: What the—
NICK FURY: Well fuck. Dammit, I hate cleaning this shit.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: You just shot—
NICK FURY: Don’t worry—it happens to him all the time.
NICK FURY: Hang on.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: What’s wrong?
NICK FURY: We’re about to enter a top secret military installation and you’re wearing a NIИ t-shirt, that’s what’s wrong.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: (looks down) It’s the 90’s.
NICK FURY: Okay, but the flannel is over-the-top.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: (helpfully) I could put my Kree uniform back on.
NICK FURY: No, no. That thing is straight-up crazy.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: It’s also a space suit!
NICK FURY: (sighs) Put this on. (tosses cap)
CAPTAIN MARVEL: If you’re a secret agent or whatever, why do you have all this swag with your “super secret” logo on it?
AGENT COULSON: It’s a branding thing.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: HOLY… Where did you come from?! Didn’t he shoot you?
AGENT COULSON: What?
NICK FURY: I told you, it happens a lot.
AGENT COULSON: So she’s got those… fists of fury—
CAPTAIN MARVEL: That will literally never be my superhero name.
NICK FURY: It has a nice ring to it.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: NO.
NICK FURY: (shrugs)
AGENT COULSON: But how do we know she’s really on our side?
NICK FURY: Good point. We’ve got shapeshifting aliens wandering around—
AGENT COULSON: We’re calling them werealiens.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: They’re called Skrull. They already have a name.
AGENT COULSON: Werealiens is better.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: That’s—
NICK FURY: How do we know she’s not one of them?
CAPTAIN MARVEL: (sighs) (heats kettle with white-hot hand) (serves tea)
NICK FURY: What does that prove?
CAPTAIN MARVEL: A Skrull wouldn’t have offered sugar!
AGENT COULSON: She’s got a point.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: I can’t believe you store your information in literal paper files, in boxes, in a room—
NICK FURY: We have computers too. (points)
CAPTAIN MARVEL: That’s a computer? That thing’s the size of my closet back home!
AGENT COULSON: New York?
CAPTAIN MARVEL: ?
AGENT COULSON: … They’ve… got a famously cramped real estate… (coughs)
NICK FURY: Look, we’ll get through all this faster if we get to work and some of us quit our bitching about Earth.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: (makes faces behind his back)
WEREALIEN: Or you could ask me.
NICK FURY: (pulls gun)
CAPTAIN MARVEL: (fires up fists)
AGENT COULSON: (miraculously doesn’t get shot)
WEREALIEN: (slurps milkshake)
CAPTAIN MARVEL: What do you want?
WEREALIEN: Help me retrieve some information from that machine.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: Are you kidding me? You’re the sworn enemy of my people and you’re literally standing there sipping a milkshake and asking for my help?!
WEREALIEN: (waggles milkshake) These things are amazing. Have you tried one? Honestly, I’m embarrassed for the Kree, going around claiming to be the superior race when they didn’t invent this. (offers shake)
CAPTAIN MARVEL: We are the superior civilization, founded on justice and equality and peace and logic and we don’t need… holy shit, is that mint and chocolate?
CAPTAIN MARVEL: (slurps determinedly)
WEREALIEN: So how ‘bout it? We can’t figure out how to work that antique (waves hand at 90’s PC)
NICK FURY: (sighs) Show me what you need.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: Ooh, it’ll be like a history lesson.
NICK FURY: You know this is some cutting edge shit, right?
CAPTAIN MARVEL: (shrugs) At least you make tasty beverages.
WEREALIEN: (quietly) It also comes in coffee caramel.
NICK FURY: (sharply) Which file?
WEREALIEN: Ummm… (points)
CAPTAIN MARVEL: What’s wrong?
WEREALIEN: Did you break it?
CAPTAIN MARVEL: Why is it making that noise?
WEREALIEN: It’s an alarm; we’ve been detected—
NICK FURY: IT’S CONNECTING—THOSE ARE INTERNET NOISES FOR FUCK’S SAKE CALM THE SHITFUCK DOWN AND GO DRINK YOUR GODDAMNED MILKSHAKE YOU SMUG ALIEN ASSHOLES!
BADASS LADY PILOT: So… You can change into literally anything you see.
WEREALIEN: I mean, it’s a little more complicated than that—
CAPTAIN MARVEL: Yup. Now that he’s seen us he could just go walking around with our faces and everything.
NICK FURY: What about animals?
WEREALIEN: Why would I—
BADASS LADY PILOT: Can you be a cat?
AGENT COULSON: A filing cabinet?
KID: A payphone—you know, for emergencies.
NICK FURY: A venus fly trap! I’ll give you $50 right now if you can turn into a venus fly trap.
AGENT COULSON: I’d pay to see that.
WEREALIEN: (stunned) What the hell is wrong with you people?! And how are we the bad guys in this movie?
BADASS LADY PILOT: … You’re ugly?
KID: It’s Disney rules. Ugly=Evil.
KID: And animal sidekicks are the real stars.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: (has Dark Phoenix moment)
ALIEN 1: Uh… did we know she could do that?
ALIEN 2: We… did not.
ALIEN 1: Do we have a plan for this contingency?
ALIEN 2: (checks binder)
ALIEN 3: Is it “run away?”
ALIEN 1: Sounds about right. Let’s go with that.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: (literally glows and shoots fire from eyeballs)
PASSING FILM CRITIC: It’s not very realistic, is it? I mean, a woman punching harder than men—
ALIENS: SHUT UP!
NICK FURY: So, Miss Marvel—
CAPTAIN MARVEL: Uh, It’s Mar Vel. Two words. And—
NICK FURY: Yeah well, we’re in America sweetie; we mispronounce shit and change weird names. Check the books at Ellis Island.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: Okay but… Mar. Vel. It’s not that complicated.
NICK FURY: Miss Marvel—
AGENT COULSON: Actually sir, I think we may run into a copyright issue on that one.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: And it’s not my—
NICK FURY: Shit, seriously?
AGENT COULSON: Yeah.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: Are you just ignoring—
NICK FURY: Well what if we change it slightly?
CAPTAIN MARVEL: Like, making it two words?
NICK FURY: What if we give her a title? Like… Captain Marvel!
CAPTAIN MARVEL: Do I have invisibility powers too? (looks down)
* Teeth was a traumatic moment in cinema—we’re all victims here; let’s stick together, okay?
** I am not making this up. It’s right next to the Blockbuster.
*** If you must know, he spoiled that Han and Chewie are still friends. See? I won’t do it.