Sometimes a Van is Just…


Husband is leaving me.


Kermit the Frog flailing arms screaming PANIC!!!




For three.






Honestly, how can I be expected to live like this?

"Blanket Metamorphosis" cartoon demonstrates proper blanket cocoon technique: in the first image, our guide has the blanket draped majestically around her shoulders; in the second, she is more securely wrapped; and in the third she is thoroughly cocooned and happily immobile

Oh, right… bundled up with all the blankets.


Plus?  I have to drive him to the airport again at fuck-you-my-eyes-won’t-open-this-early o’clock in the morning.*


Because that worked out so well last time.


We’ve talked about it and I’ve guided him toward a reasonable timeline for travel prep—he actually did laundry last night so he can pack tonight, because one wouldn’t want to leave these things to the last minute, then ask the wife to stay up packing for a trip she’s not taking, would one?

Scrubs, Turk nods happily until Carla gives him Angry Look, then shakes his head no


So, since he’s all sorted and I expect this trip will be much less eventful than the last one** (fuck off forever, Southwest—you can’t pay us enough to book with you again) I guess I don’t really have anything to post and we can wrap up here.


Loony Toons' "That's all Folks!" end screen


Except this one thing…



HIM:  (pulling out of the driveway)  Why is that van parked in front of our house?
ME:  (shrugs)
HIM:  Becaaaauuuse… that’s a prisoner transport vehicle.
ME:  (looks)  No, it’s just a white van.  (goes back to phone)
HIM:  You didn’t see all the specialized gear inside?
ME:  … No?
HIM:  Normal people don’t drive around with a metal grate separating the back, and handcuffs dangling off that.
ME:  …
HIM:  …
HIM:  (laughs)
ME:  And why would a prisoner transport be parked in our neighborhood?
HIM:  Picking up someone for a parole violation?
ME:  (ponders)  Maybe they were here for across the street?  Cops love to park across the street.  (rolls eyes, remembering countless times I’ve been blocked in)
HIM:  Or wherever.  But that—
ME:  Well nobody came to my door!
HIM:  I didn’t say it was you.
ME:  And if they were there for a prisoner, wouldn’t someone have been in the van?
HIM:  Not if there was no prisoner yet.
ME:  I don’t think they can leave all that unattended, even if it’s empty.  Plus, why not just use a regular police car?
HIM:  (with great and unearned authority)  Because if they know they’re taking the person straight to jail or prison, they don’t want to use a black and white for that.
ME:  Hmmm…
HIM:  …
ME:  (quietly)  Or maybe they’re just kinky.
HIM:  (changes subject to new icing test)***





* I am, as I’ve probably mentioned somewhere around here, a person who is genuinely surprised every time she’s presented with evidence that 5:00 happens twice a day.

** Oh!  I forgot to tell you at the time—his return was delayed as well.  Because of the fire in the control tower at the airport.  Which was the second in two days.  What.  The.  Actual.  Fuck.

*** It does not involve cake.  I know, I was disappointed too.





14 comments on “Sometimes a Van is Just…

  1. I used to take mine to the airport at wtf o clock as well. It’s a wonder we survived. Now? He leaves his car in the parking garage. More expensive, but much safer.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I considered telling him to get a Lyft (and he may yet have to do that coming home, because Transworld is this weekend and I’m hella busy) but then my inner control freak starts raging about how Other People are not to be trusted with such precious cargo as my husband. (Remember, I also stare at his plane on the flight tracker to keep it from crashing, ever since pilots stopped letting me sit on their laps)

      Liked by 2 people

  2. WDS says:

    True Story:

    Me and wotsername were driving from Hobart to Launceston up the Midland Highway, in Tasmania. (Yep, The Tasmania. Think Appalachian.)

    Right in the middle of nowhere we pull in to a picnic area beside a lake for lunch. (so far so good)

    There backed up into the trees is a white van, no side windows and handcuffs hanging of the front mirror. (but not in a good way)

    Liked by 2 people

  3. WDS says:

    and yeh! W.T.A.F.

    The second fire!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I would be absolutely sure that 5am was a myth, only have seen it from the ‘oh god I’m still awake fuck* you insomnia’ end.

    *I’m just going to assume you are cool with me dropping the f bomb in your comment section in this sort of context. I don’t swear much on my site, but I’m pretty sweary (i.e., very sweary) in real life and not only does insomnia deserves all the swears but also I couldn’t find a non-sweary synonym that was extreme enough.


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