Ask Your Travel Agent

 

There are two things I can always count on in my own home; two principles by which I survive each treacherous day amongst the meth ghosts and kamikaze squirrels.

 

  1. Even the animals are working against me.
  2. I am married to a man who is determined to find humor in everything but particularly delights in my everyday vexation.

 

As you are no doubt itching for an example—and I happen to have one handy—let’s continue to waste time together.  Can’t have you working just because you’re on the clock, now can we?

 

cartoon dog says to cartoon bunny, "you finished all your work?" Cartoon bunny replies, "Yeah, I had planned to just waste time on the internet today but I got super-distracted"

 

Right.  So let us set the stage here: we’d just got back from Costco, so there was lots of in and out while we brought in various items.  Because somehow my perfectly reasonable “just put everything in boxes, thanks” request is always misunderstood as, “Please only put a few of the smaller items in one weird box and leave anything larger than, say, a jar of peanut butter out on its own because if there’s one thing I can’t get enough of it’s fighting my way past a pack of suddenly feral dogs and cats into my own house while juggling nori and granola bars.”

 

I hadn’t even bought wine, y’all.  But there I was…

 

 

ME:  (putting groceries away)
ANIMALS:  (get all up in my way)
ME:  Move please.
ANIMALS:  (organize their in-the-way efforts)
ME:  (dodges around arthritic dog only to trip over giant fluffy cat, nearly dropping eight pounds of grapes and a rotisserie chicken)  OW!  Dammit!
HAMILTON:  MRRRT!
ME:  WHY DON’T ALL OF YOU TAKE A TRIP RIGHT NOW TO FUCKOFFISTAN?
HIM:  (comes around corner laughing)
ME:  …
HIM:  Sorry.
ME:  No, I… they were tripping me and…
HIM:  …
ME:  And now you’re laughing at me.
HIM:  No.  Nooooo.
ME:  ?
HIM:  (choking)  I’m laughing at “Fuckoffistan.”*

 

(Once Upon A Time) Evil Queen Regina glares #deathglareactivated

 

 

 

 

* I maintain this is a very real place.  Just because it’s not on a map doesn’t make it any less real—just ask New Zealand.**

** For the record, I am of the firm belief this is a problem Australia should solve.  Because I am a foreign person who is hopelessly biased against Australia and all things Australia-adjacent and frankly I don’t think it’s fair for the Shire to spend all their hobbit money on a campaign to convince the rest of us they’re real.

 

 

 

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13 comments on “Ask Your Travel Agent

  1. I have so many people I would like to send to Fuckoffistan. Can you recommend a travel agent who actually knows how to get there…?

    Liked by 2 people

  2. WDS1 says:

    1/- People often mistake my guiding cats/dogs away from under my feet with quick foot movements as “kicks”. (see note 3/- for more)

    2/- Absurdistan is a neighbouring country to Fuckoffistan. Both great places no law, no order, … or any of those embuggerances we endure all day and all night long. Luckily there is an island just offshore named AnnaQuay, where things are a tad looser. (one tad being equivalent to two mickey hairs) (I fear some of this is not translating very well from Oz to World Speak)

    3/- I am always in trouble for using my Death Glare/ Mind Power/ Death Stare on the Wicked Stepdaughter’s dog. (In my defence. It deserves it.)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. We have a 12 year old dog that LOVES groceries. He likes to inspect all the bags as we bring them in, stand in the way, and refuse to move. This is only now compounded by his age and his lack of traction on our floors. So, now there’s me, carrying heavy Costco items, trying to not only walk around him and his much younger sister as they jump and try to strip what I am carrying from my hands but also I now I have to watch for him falling as to not step on him as well. He’s also 80lbs, so 80lbs of uncoordinated old man legs flailing while really wanting to root through the groceries and see if I bought him anything… yeah fun. We try to do the two man grocery haul in but somehow they’re convinced I’m the only one who buys anything good so they leave my bf alone and just accost me.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Your blog never fails to make me laugh (except for the rare serious piece). I love your husband…he’s a good sport!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Lutheranliar says:

    FUCKOFFISTAN! Best country on Earth for underfoot anything, I’m thinkin’. Just don’t send your extremely cool husband there (!)

    Liked by 1 person

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