There are two things I can always count on in my own home; two principles by which I survive each treacherous day amongst the meth ghosts and kamikaze squirrels.
- Even the animals are working against me.
- I am married to a man who is determined to find humor in everything but particularly delights in my everyday vexation.
As you are no doubt itching for an example—and I happen to have one handy—let’s continue to waste time together. Can’t have you working just because you’re on the clock, now can we?
Right. So let us set the stage here: we’d just got back from Costco, so there was lots of in and out while we brought in various items. Because somehow my perfectly reasonable “just put everything in boxes, thanks” request is always misunderstood as, “Please only put a few of the smaller items in one weird box and leave anything larger than, say, a jar of peanut butter out on its own because if there’s one thing I can’t get enough of it’s fighting my way past a pack of suddenly feral dogs and cats into my own house while juggling nori and granola bars.”
I hadn’t even bought wine, y’all. But there I was…
ME: (putting groceries away)
ANIMALS: (get all up in my way)
ME: Move please.
ANIMALS: (organize their in-the-way efforts)
ME: (dodges around arthritic dog only to trip over giant fluffy cat, nearly dropping eight pounds of grapes and a rotisserie chicken) OW! Dammit!
ME: WHY DON’T ALL OF YOU TAKE A TRIP RIGHT NOW TO FUCKOFFISTAN?
HIM: (comes around corner laughing)
ME: No, I… they were tripping me and…
ME: And now you’re laughing at me.
HIM: No. Nooooo.
HIM: (choking) I’m laughing at “Fuckoffistan.”*
* I maintain this is a very real place. Just because it’s not on a map doesn’t make it any less real—just ask New Zealand.**
** For the record, I am of the firm belief this is a problem Australia should solve. Because I am a foreign person who is hopelessly biased against Australia and all things Australia-adjacent and frankly I don’t think it’s fair for the Shire to spend all their hobbit money on a campaign to convince the rest of us they’re real.