Poor Brenda

 

Adding to the recent avalanche of suck, our car started randomly overheating last week.  So it was with one last longing look at our for-once-not-meager account that I sent Husband and car off to the shop.

 

Only to be rewarded with an outrageous repair bill.

 

As in:

HIM:  Did you get my email? With the estimate?
ME:  No, let me… Oh holy fucksticks.  No.  Just… no.
HIM:  Yeah.
ME:  No, No!  We don’t have that—and if we did, we certainly wouldn’t spend it on this car!
HIM:  So… car shopping?
ME:  Ugh.
HIM:  I’ll come home and—
ME:  Wait—do I have to go?
HIM:  Um… yeah?
ME:  (internal litany of fucks)

Chanel Oberlin has a tantrum

Don’t.  Wanna!

 

 

 

I won’t bore you with the rundown of the whole shopping process—mostly because I had a migraine on day one and was a trifle bitchy to our salesman, so I don’t come off good in that retelling, but also because it was relatively painless (except for the migraine… pleather stank was suuuuuper offensive all of a sudden) for what it was.

 

You know, up until we went back the next day to actually buy the car we’d chosen.

 

Why does that part take for-e-ver?

 

At one point, we got so bored we actually stood there watching a football* match on the showroom TV.

 

 

HIM:  Did you see that ludicrous display last night?**
ME:  … The thing about Arsenault is they always try and walk it in.
HIM:  You skipped a whole line!
ME:  Yeah; I can’t remember the names.
HIM:  It’s, “What was Wagner thinking sending… um…”
ME:  Yeah, see?
HIM:  Damn.
ME:  Here’s one—why don’t the goalies wear the team colors?  They’re working harder than anyone out there!  Look at that—beautiful kick, just watch literally everyone cock it up.
HIM:  …
ME:  See?  They’re the best players and I can’t tell whose side they’re on!
EVERTON PLAYER:  (lazily kicks ball, keeping hands in pockets)
HIM:  Well they’ve got the team names left and right on the screen…
ME:  So they only shoot this thing from the one angle?  What, they don’t have the technology to put cameras on both sides of the field over there?
HIM:  I’m not sure…
ME:  Tch.
WESTHAM PLAYER:  (falls down, stays there watching match for a bit)
ME:  Oh, we just fall down and lie there, is that how it works?
HIM:  …
ME:  Honestly, I can see why fights break out at these things.  I’ve been watching for four minutes and I already want to punch someone
HIM:  (nods, considers) … (leans away)

 

 

But the best part of buying a car (aside from once again having a car that doesn’t make that weird noise when you try to actually drive it places, or kick up a fuss when you’re not running a fan, none of which I’m convinced is worth having a car payment again) is the amount of drama you’re exposed to if you just sit quietly near the sales desks and wait for people to stop noticing you.

 

There’s probably plenty of material there for a Netflix series—or at least a regular print feature—if one were so inclined.  I, as it turns out, am not.  But if there’s a dealership receptionist reading this right now?  Honey!  You are in a position to gather so much material—stop wasting it!

 

In the short time I was able to blend in with the potted plants, I overheard:

 

One conversation between coworkers that proves I never want to work in this environment.  To my theoretical receptionist: I’m so sorry for everything you go through—please make some money off this bullshit.

“Brenda went home from the hospital today!”
“Oh, that’s good.  What did she have?”
“She still won’t say… I’ll keep asking.  She has to tell eventually, right?”

Sarah Jessica Parker blinks in open-mouthed shock

 

 

A couple learning just how expensive even a very cheap used car is.  When this information finally penetrated their brains, the salesman showed them a couple of vehicles (online) for which they might be able to get financing.  The woman countered, “Can I see it in red?”  The man wondered if they had a darker grey one instead.***

Chris Rock (from Dogma) giving serious WTF face. In a strip club.

 

A guy came in all set to make his deal and drive off in his new car.  The problem?  His credit has tanked in the last few months.  But how?  Apparently his (ex?  This bit is unclear) wife has been up to some things… and some not-truth-telling.  He got alerts about this activity but after discussing it with her (Red!  Flag!) they agreed it was definitely an error and there was no need to investigate further.  He went into the finance office to discuss their recommendations (and, I assume, file for divorce)

Alice (from Wonderland) pointing out, "he mad"

 

A family of four adults humans came in and settled down at a sales desk, dragging extra chairs into the cubicle.  They had walked the lot (in the rain!  This behavior fascinates me) and chosen a car.  All the deciding had been done and it was now down to paperwork.  But wait!  Forms are being handed over and a scuffle ensues… apparently they got all the way to “yes, let’s buy this car” without deciding who is actually buying a car today.  They were still arguing about this when we left, and had torn multiple forms fighting over them.

(Jerry Springer Show) guest gets up in fellow guest's face, drops mic; second guest launches himself at the first, guards pile on the fight; the audience cheers and a ring girl holds up a sign proclaiming this to be Round 3

 

 

 

 

* Yes, Internet Corrector Person, most Americans would call it soccer.  But we’ve already had that discussion around here.

On the left, European football: the foot is applied to a ball-shaped object. On the right, American football: hands are used on an egg-shaped object.

** 50 cool points to you if you got the reference without googling.  75 if you’ve ever wished that service really existed.  If you’ve no idea what we’re talking about, please go discover The IT Crowd immediately.  I’ll wait.

*** I already tried having this conversation with one friend, and it went nowhere.  Someone please explain to me how the color of your car matters even a little bit?  You can’t tell what color it is once you’re inside!  The only time I see the outside of my car is when I’m walking back to it.  And you know what I’m thinking at that moment?  Not, “gosh I wish it was purple.”  I’m thinking, “Oh, thank god, there’s my car.”  (Bonus points if the doors are still locked, because that’s not always the case parking downtown.)

 

 

Advertisements

20 comments on “Poor Brenda

  1. The husband (a Brit) calls it “throwball” to distinguish it from “football,” but I really like “hand egg.”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Handegg seems an entirely appropriate name for that sport. I shall commence calling it such from now on..

    Liked by 1 person

  3. WDS says:

    I never got past having the most severe crush on Katherine Parkinson (Jen Barber).

    Now… what were you saying about car colours?

    Liked by 1 person

    • They’re all irrelevent; what matters is if you’ve got a redhead in there with you 😉

      Like

      • WDS1 says:

        In Oz, redheads are called Rangas (orange) or nicknamed Blue. Confusing I know but you get used to it.

        Yes, what does matter is having a redhead in your whatever coloured car next to you. Vary rare occasion here in Oz. Yourself and Aussa are way outside the bell curve in this regard.

        Fashion dictates that black cars are currently very “pop”. Here in a country where it is often 45degrees celsius (110Fahrenheit in other locales) this makes no sense whatsoever but what do I know.

        Summary:
        -redheads = knockout.
        -black cars = not.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Bex says:

    I’ve heard having a red car drive up insurance rates because ‘reasons.’

    Liked by 1 person

    • I remember hearing that back in the 80’s, but I didn’t think actual cops still bought that “red cars are faster” bs these days. Grey cars, in my experience, have a lower visibility in fog, rain, or low-light conditions and are probably more frequently involved in “he came out of nowhere!” crashes. Claims agent (I must have one somewhere around here) back me up, will you?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Bex says:

        Makes sense to me!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Christina in Australia says:

        I think people just have lead feet in red cars (though my husband had one when I met him and he never got a speeding ticket). I can back up the statement about grey cars. Even here in Australia, we do have fog, rain and low light conditions at times. Years ago my mother had a pale metallic bronze car that just vanished in misty weather. I was driving behind her in my white car and even though she had lights on, I couldn’t see her. I flatly refuse to buy anything in that colour palette. Or black. We’ve had rain for the last 2 days and it really bugs me how many people in grey and metallic cars drive without their lights on, as they are nigh-on impossible to see. Our current car is white. It does stay cooler, but gets grubby quickly and bees like shitting on it. Our previous car was royal blue and looked gorgeous. It was also very easy to find in a car park filled with white cars!

        Liked by 1 person

        • “Gets dirty quicker” isn’t really an issue for us, since we really only wash the car when we have a new foster (I like to shock them on day one with an experience so far outside their frame of reference that nothing else will seem all that scary by comparison; plus, I kept them alive when the giant thing was eating the car so clearly I can be trusted, lol.)

          Like

  5. Sherry Bucalo says:

    Until I moved to Az, car color meant nothing to me. In az because of heat, white cars go for a premium because they stay cooler. No I don’t own a white car because dark colors are way cheaper. LOL

    Liked by 1 person

  6. TanGental says:

    hand egg, yep that works for me. A movement has started…

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I want to do the ‘I understood that reference’ Captain America gif, but I’m pretty sure I can’t in wordpress comments.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. We bought a new car last fall. I think I’d actually be willing to pay a little more if I could get a guarantee that I could be totally done and driving off the lot within 2 hours. I believe our total time there was 4-5 hours, and that was even with already having financing in place. Honestly, I’d rather buy a house than haggle over a car.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s