Sometimes I swear he says shit just to get a reaction out of me.
And by “reaction” I mean get me to blog about him. So he can be Internet Famous. Which makes you all his enablers. Not me—I’m his wife, and legally obligated to support his bullshit for as long as it amuses me to do so—but y’all need to do some deep thinkin’ about what sort of behavior you want to encourage in the people who design the things that fly over your damned heads all day long.
And yes, I’m aware that it’s a little hypocritical for me, the woman who can’t be arsed to put a leash on her own mouth—because where’s the fun in that I ask you—to sit in judgment of him for saying random shit just to get a rise or a little attention from strangers. But what is my giant ass for if not sitting, and what is this quirky eyebrow for if not judging, hmm?
Right. So I’m not going to bother to set the scene for you or offer any context.
Because I didn’t get any. You’re being thrown into this situation exactly as it occurred. Welcome to my world, bitches.
ME: (to A.Ham) He’s just the fluffiest and the puffiest!
ME: (to Husband) What would you think if you saw a cat fluffier than Ham?
HIM: I would say, it’s so fluffy I want to die!
HIM: … Because it would be so fluffy.
HIM: …And I would…
ME: I would know that it was the stuffed animal of Alexander Hamilton.
HIM: Oh yeah. But then would you want it?
ME: Of course! (ruffling Hammies) He would cuddle it.
HIM: Sooo… then you’d have a stuffy of your fluffy puffy puppy cat?
ME: (pets Ham)
HIM: … I wonder why they never thought of calling Build-a-Bear Workshop “Stuff-a-Fluff”
ME: Because it sounds perverted!
ME: Seriously, if they’d named it that there’s no chance people wouldn’t come in every day expecting to have sex with those empty furry things.
HIM: They’ve never stopped me before!
ME: (wide-eyed) I’m blogging that.