WTB Farm

 

I have plenty of complaints—and the usual Actual Conversation,™ but first I need to update you on a critical issue.

 

One I’m sure—if you’re a regular around here—has been on your mind of late.  Probably keeping you from working (you’re welcome) or even getting a good night’s sleep (I’m sorry).

 

Because I know you’ve been deeply concerned for a certain member of my family.

 

John Stewart (hosting The Daily Show) eating popcorn while he stares, wide-eyed, at something

 

 

For those who are new here—or who actually, I don’t know, work while they’re at work*—here is a quick primer on Clara and why we love her and why her health is so important to me.  For bonus Neurotic Points, the kind friends who gifted her to me moved to Ohio, which means I will literally never see them again because I can’t prove Ohio exists;** if Clara dies, my friends will die.  That’s just how gifts work.

Dr (in white coat and tie) at desk holding Rubik's cube, looking at clipboard; text reads: The science checks out

 

But fear not!  Because…

 

Clara the Orchid with two actual flowers on

Behold the magical RE-BLOOMING orchid!

 

That’s right, I am now officially a Person Who Can Grow Things.  Practically a farmer, really.

 

I’m thinking of getting a snake plant next.  But then someone suggested a pineapple tree and Husband didn’t say no…

 

Speaking of Himself, you’ve just reminded me of how he mocked me the other night and now I’m mad at him.  So yeah, that pineapple tree is as good as mine…

 

(Moana) clip from the song Where You Are; Chief dances and presents coconut, cut to bored Moana who is suddenly crushed and surrounded by happy singing islanders all brandishing coconuts

No thank you.

 

 

 

HIM:  Alexa, what’s the current temperature?
DOGS:  (get crazy excited because they know what’s up)***
ALEXA:  Right now, it’s 48 degrees.  Tonight, expect a low of…
HIM:  (questioning look)
ME:  Yeah, she needs a coat.  I’ve been giving her one if it’s below 50.
HIM:  Okay.  (puts coat on Brindle)
ME:  Not because she needs it for actual warmth, but because of her hips.  And I can’t exactly send her out in pants…
HIM:  How would she poop?  (pats Brindle, sends her Outside!)
ME:  Honestly, if Ruffwear made a pair of leg warmers that fit up over the hips but kept the whole (gestures) region open—
HIM:  So they could pee and poop.
ME:  Yeah.  I would own that shit in a heartbeat.  “Oh, $200?  Sounds good—can I get free shipping on that or… no?  Whatever.  Overnight ‘em!”
HIM:  … Did you just suggest assless pants?
ME:  …
HIM:  …
ME:  (points accusingly)  Why you gotta mock everything?
HIM:  I—
ME:  THAT’S MY BRAND!  (storms off)
HIM:  It—
ME:  (from down hallCAN’T EVEN LET ME HAVE ONE THING!
HIM:  (laughing, follows me)  You’re just mad I said “assless pants” before you did.
ME:  (glares)  They’re called chaps.
HIM:  (laughs)

 

 

young man, naked except for a pair of pants with the ass cut out, dances around and smacks bottom.

What can I say except, “You’re welcome?”

 

 

 

* Lunacy.  I don’t support it, and neither do 9/10 doctors.  Sit with that.

** Look, all I’m saying is the Cincinnati airport is in Kentucky.  I had a two-hour layover that confused the crap out of me and when I asked anyone about Ohio they looked at me blankly.  So.

*** It will come as no surprise to any of you that the dogs have caught on to the ways and patterns of the demon box and have rightfully concluded that she’s in charge now.  They don’t pester me for breakfast anymore, they just stare at her and wait for her to start bleating news updates at me; they don’t expect to actually go outside until the demon reports on the current weather conditions… I’ve been fully replaced in their eyes.

 

 

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18 comments on “WTB Farm

  1. You totally need to start a company that produces assless pants for cats and dogs. And while you’re at it, please make a pair for chickens as well, they poo constantly.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel compelled to point out that the guy at the end isn’t actually wearing assless pants. I mean, pooping would still be an issue, right? Yeah, YOU made me think that, so of course I had to share. You’re welcome!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. rwobyn says:

    Ohio exists. Insert gloomy, I live in the fucking state face 😦 Sure moving to a better state sounds easy. Do it. Leave my kids and mini kids behind. Forget I have a mother and a ton of assorted other relatives. Not so easy peasy. Fuck me. AND Ohio.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. WDS says:

    Our Family has a motto.
    Well a lot of them actually but that is not important right now.

    It is:
    “Working is for suckers!”

    Most of us spend the day at, in, on, under, near, …. Mother Ocean.

    Word in the sandpit is:
    At The Pearly Gates, no one ever says, “Gee, I wish I had worked more.”

    Like

  5. You are queen of the orchids.

    Liked by 1 person

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