Fur is the New Black

 

I just checked my stats this week, and I’ve got some bad news.

 

Statistically speaking, we are not friends.

 

I mean, obviously I love you because you take time out of your day to come here and read about me—my favorite topic in the world, thankyouverymuch—but there’s no denying that I don’t know and have never met an estimated 99.993% of you.*

 

Woman concentrates while equations flash

Math.  Not even once.

 

 

What this means is… well, nevermind the first four or five things that came to mind.  The thing I’m here to discuss today is that you’ve never seen me wearing black, or under a black light, or even just 20 minutes late for drinksalways, always covered in pet hair.

 

If you did know me, and you had seen me in the aforementioned condition, you would know two things about me: that I live with many animals who feel comfortable using me as furniture, my actual furniture as furniture, and shed like they give no fucks because they don’t; and that I don’t own a single lint roller.

 

You would technically be correct on both counts.

 

I don’t own one sticky roller—I own many.  They’re in almost every room of my house (there’s not room for food prep in my kitchen, let alone hair removal) in all different sizes.  I offer them to guests upon entry and exit.  I make sure the petsitter knows about it, because some people don’t understand that corduroy isn’t compatible with our family.

 

Yet somehow…

 

ME:  Why does it take six sticky roller sheets for me to look like a crazy cat lady who doesn’t own a sticky roller?!**
HIM:  (eyeballs me)  Um…
ME:  (thrusts spent and furry sheets)  Six!
HIM:  Okay… so you already used the lint roller—
ME:  SIX!!
HIM:  Aaaaand… you definitely look like someone who owns a cat.
ME:  Exactly.  People—
HIM:  But not a lint roller.
ME:  (shrieks)

 

 

Fellow pet people, help me out here.  Because I’ve accepted that my world will be fur and fur and more fur forever—I’m mostly okay with it, truth be told.  Sure, I get a little grossed out when I clean off the vent and walk past a few days later to find it looking like I’ve never swept a day in my life—

Sorry Image not available

I’m sparing your eyeballs here; you’re welcome.

 

But on balance, the fur life ain’t so bad—far more perks than losses, in my view.  I just want to not look like a goddamned cat hoarder when I go out in public.  You know?***

 

Husband, bless him, can always be counted on to pick at my insecurities like a kid with a scab.

Emma Stone reacting with disgust "ewwwwwww"

Sorry.

 

And he didn’t have to wait any longer than our next trip to Costco for an opportunity…

 

 

HIM:  Hey, they have four packs of lint rollers.  You want me to grab some for you?
ME:  ?
HIM:  You know.  (gestures)  Since you clearly don’t have one.
ME:  (glares)
HIM:  (laughs)
ME:  (looks down at top)  Seriously, though.  Look at all the hairs.  I mean, what is my life even?!
STRANGE WOMAN:  (turns to offer sympathetic smile, sees my furry clothes, quietly judges me)
ME:  (sulks)
HIM:  (laughs)

 

beauty shot of nails covered in a generous coat of cat fur

Or maybe I should just lean into the look?

 

 

 

* Apologies if I have and just don’t remember.  I’m bad with names.

** One black sweatshirt, freshly washed, and jeans (jeans don’t collect hair, making them my go-to when I must leave the house; this catch-22 keeps me from ever making a good impression)

*** And yes, I’ve tried getting dressed at the last minute, carrying my clothes carefully from the dresser/closet to the front door and quickly donning them as I bolt out.  Gave my neighbors a show and still managed to pick up stray hairs because that shit’s in the air.  So it gets to garments even when they’re locked away.  But also?  I swear they increase their tripping/leaning efforts when I’m tryin’ to look nice.

 

 

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34 comments on “Fur is the New Black

  1. Love this and I also have an issue with fur. Thanks for raising – pulling fur off my clothes is now a daily ritual for me

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel you pain, or fir as the case may be. I spent most of my life covered in and trying to remove piles of cat hair from my clothes, furniture and environment. Of course the cat hair always win…. but speaking as a newly petless person… believe me, an empty house is even worse. Hug your fur babies close… and maybe save the fur for future pillow stuffing?

    Liked by 2 people

  3. nbratscott says:

    We don’t ALWAYS make the bed each day, so every few days I have to lint roll the sheets. It’s not like washing them, but….you know…

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Bex says:

    I have this problem not only in the house, but my car too. Damn myself for being a good doggy mom and taking my pups to the dog park! I find if you try and only buy clothes the same color as your pets’ fur, it helps a tiny bit.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I got short haired dogs because short hair = less hair = not covered in hair, right? Wrong, now I’m just covered in short hair that somehow manages to weave itself into my clothing and resist all attempts to remove it.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Nancy Springate says:

    My hubby works in a cat rescue home (as a kitten cuddler – I know, who wouldn’t want to to that for the rest of their lives, I mean a fresh bath of kittens every month or so, sorry I digress), anyway, he is always fur covered, and we just accept it cos like it’s kittens and fur, or no fur no kittens.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. It helps to be old and short-sighted. I don’t really see the hair, and when I see it I don’t care, because life is short. Too short anyway to have friends who don’t regard fur as an accessory and/or condiment.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Things aren’t too bad here with just one house rabbit (except during his two major shedding cycles a year when brushing him on a windy day outside leaves the nearby bush looking like Cousin Itt). However, I’m about to go off and petsit a dog and cat in Seattle. Any advice (aside from buying a multipack of lint brushes, obviously)?

    Liked by 2 people

  9. The IT guy at work, when taking apart my laptop to change the battery, looked up at me and said “How many cats do you _have_?” (and then got out his little shopvac and ran around in a frenzy with it for ten minutes) like I’m some weirdo and so I didn’t invite him to my youngest cat’s birthday party that year.

    But yeah, I’ve given up on black sweatshirts.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. You know what’s bad for being covered in fur? Black and white cats. Because half of it always shows up. Wear dark clothes, you have white cat fur on you. Wear light clothes, you have black cat fur on you. Disaster. Also they eat the sticky rollers (or, my black and white cat does. Admittedly that might not be a universal black and white cat phenomenon.)

    Liked by 2 people

  11. WDS says:

    I feel a crucifixtion coming on but here goes.

    I am not a pet person.

    Outside. Yeh maybe.
    Eating bad guys when they come over the fence into the yard to steal somethinng. Definetly.
    Other handy stuff like pulling a sled. Oh yeh.

    Lounging around inside the house on chairs and furniture and beds. That is my job.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am replying to you from under the purring bulk of one miniature lion, this being an excellent position to inform you that you simply haven’t had the life-altering experience of lounging with greyhounds (or little lions.) I am confident that if you ever did, your heart would grow three sizes and – once you returned from the hospital because that’s a serious cardiac event that should not be ignored – you would immediately be transformed into a “pet person.”

      If I am wrong, may I be crushed by a thousand kittens. (Actually, can I sign up for that exit even if I’m right?)

      Liked by 1 person

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