Every time he says something, I make a note of it.
Okay, not every time, obviously. Some of the shit he says is boring. Obviously. I mean, sometimes he really does come home and just say, “Hi,” and kiss me, then, “I’m gonna go change real quick,” and I don’t see him for an hour because somehow his computer was on the way to the bedroom (it isn’t) and he got sucked into a game or facebook or whatever. Obviously I don’t make a note of that. I also don’t make a note when he says, “Got your coat? It’s cold out” or “can you let the dogs out? I’m tired” or any of those mundane daily things.
But the weird, the funny, the random, and the stupid? They all get a note.
… Mostly. I actually forget a lot. And sometimes he gets mad if he sees me reaching for my phone right after he said something, but I can’t tell if he’s really annoyed or if he’s wishing he could do a rewrite before I get it down forever.*
So I’ve got all these notes, yeah? Oodles of them, some from years back that never made it into a post. Why? Because they were little one-offs or I couldn’t spin a whole story around them. And I’m sick of looking at them now. Plus I’m trying to move over to a different organization tool for these notes and it would be really helpful to not have so many old ones kicking around. So I’ve got two options: try to jam them in soon-ish, claiming they happened recently (not… really feasible for some) or just present them as-is in a sort of highlight episode.
Raise your hand if you guessed that I would choose the lazy way.
Right. Here we go. I will try to offer some context where I can, but sometimes I just have… what I’ve got. Sorry.
(I think we were looking at furniture…)
ME: Do you even see how cool that is? Do you have an inner hipster at all?
HIM: (pause) I have something, but you’ve probably never heard of it
ME: (moment of stunned silence) okay, that was good.
(Some of these aren’t entirely his fault… )
ME: (vents about computer issues)
HIM: Okay… are you aware that you’re wearing a tiara?
ME: (pause) I am NOW, yes.
HIM: Okay (clearly trying not to laugh)
(Oooh! This was back when he worked at Evil Megacorp—before The Incident—and was covertly looking for something else… )
HIM: I’m thinking of applying at Kevin’s company.
ME: Not at a pay cut!
HIM: No, I’d need a raise, for sure.
ME: Although, it is closer…. and taxes would be simpler, since they don’t outsource their payroll yet.
HIM: Hey! They got my taxes right this year!
ME: Ooh, one out of three! Impressive!
HIM: Of course, I had to pay taxes on last year’s refund, because it was from the wrong state….
ME: Aaaand we’re back to a wash.
(Here’s one that stands on its own…)
HIM: I’m getting crabby, and I just realized I haven’t eaten anything today. I really shouldn’t skip breakfast; you know I get lack toast intolerant.
(I was putting together my FUQ’s page, and made the mistake of asking for his input… )
HIM: You should add, “is he really as dumb as he sounds?” and say YES.
ME: (sigh) Okay, I’m….
(Returning with takeout from a Chinese restaurant notorious for being goddamned stingy with their chopsticks… )
HIM: There aren’t enough for everyone to have two; China’s a big country!
Whelp, that’s enough fucking around for one day. Go do something productive—not your job; fuck me with a rusty chainsaw if I ever start encouraging you to do your actual job while you’re at work—but go plan a vacation you can’t afford or look up some recipes you definitely won’t make. Or, if you’ve already done those things, you can go re-read some of my old posts: revisit our favorite arguments or find out why I’m always late.
Or maybe go order this book that someone fucking beat me to writing. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. In my own lazy ass.**
* Now that I think of it, it’s that second thing. Because he’s tried to edit while I’m typing, offering suggestions for what he should have said and what I should say he said. Tch. Like I’d lie to you.
** To be fair, I was an asshole kid when it was written so maybe I’m not totally to blame in this scenario… my parents should shoulder their share for not fucking more productively during the early years of their marriage. Right?