There are a few pieces of marital advice that must be universal, for all that they’re utter crap:
- Never go to bed angry. Clearly, the person who first uttered this “advice” had never had angry sex or make-up sex—both of which are more likely, at a certain age, with a soft surface nearby. Also, sometimes what two people need in order to see how ridiculous they’re being is a good night’s sleep!
- Share everything, including hobbies. While I can’t imagine being happily married to someone with whom I had no common interests, if you’ve got no time apart what’s there to communicate about? Seriously, how do you start an interesting conversation with someone who just lived all day in your hip pocket?
- Total honesty is always the best policy. Ummm, no thank you? I honestly don’t need to hear the details from dudes’ weekend—my man came home with his virtue intact (well… to the extent that he left with, anyway) and that’s all I need to know. No—please, no specifics on who bought what, tried what, or whether they showered after. I may want to eat again someday.
- Never fight in the bedroom. Yeah, about that…
Husband and I are at it again.
Of course there’s the usual fare…
ME: You know, that “she steals my covers” story that you like to tell people, even though we know.
HIM: You mean that thing where I wake up freezing in the middle of the night and the blankets are on the floor by your side of the bed?
ME: Sure. That.
And they’re not all what you’d call unsolvable issues…
ME: (getting up)
HIM: (comes back to bed)
ME: Light. (flicks switch)
HIM: That’s the opposite of helpful.
ME: Well sorry, but I’m putting on pants today.
HIM: (eyeballs my naked bits, moves closer)
ME: (steps back)
HIM: That’s the opposite of helpful!
But then there’s stuff like… okay, have a look at this one. And you tell me if you can sort out what’s going on in his brain.
ME: (adjusts blankets)
HIM: Seriously?! (tugs blankets over to his side)
ME: … I don’t know what response you were looking for there.
HIM: (incredulous stare)
HIM: I’m making the bed and you just yanked the covers off my side and over to your side!
ME: … Yes. That is an accurate retelling of the thing that occurred.
ME: I still don’t understand what response you were looking for. I mean, was it supposed to go, “Seriously?!” “No, JK, I don’t even like blankets—”
HIM: I knew it!
ME: (gesturing dramatically) In fact, this whole time we’ve been sleeping together, almost 20 years now? I actually haaaate blankets. All leading up to this moment, when I can look you in the eye when you say, “seriously?” and tell you: PSYCH!
HIM: I KNEW IT!!!
HIM: That’s why you throw them on the floor after you steal them!
ME: That’s not a thing.
HIM: It is! It’s why I have to use a whole second comforter!
ME: You use a second comforter to keep from cuddling me.
HIM: And because you steal them and throw them on the floor!
ME: That literally never happened.
First question: seriously, what do people expect when they recite the order of events mere seconds past?
Second—and here we return to the “advice” with which we began today’s time-waster: if not for the bedroom, where are we meant to have this argument? Sure the bathroom offers great acoustics but it’s a bit too cramped for someone who talks with her hands but yells with her arms and shoulders. The hallway would be the next logical choice—again, acoustics—but with the meth ghosts on just the other side of that door…
No thanks. We’ll stick to the bedroom.