First off, endless apologies for the delay in getting these deleted scenes to your eyeballs. You’d think I spent the extra time stealing the film canisters (or at the very least animating or otherwise recreating them for you*) but no; as those of you who follow me on the book of faces know, I’ve been up to my tits in family drama and then recovering from said family drama. I’m actually sat here typing out an apology to you instead of showering, if that brings you any comfort.**
By now every last one of you has seen Avengers: Endgame. But what you haven’t seen—because only I and a handful of people who were there when these gems hit the cutting room floor—are the epic deleted scenes that would never see the light of day if not for a certain loudmouth blogger who takes notes everywhere she goes. Now, obviously I had to promise not to tell you about all of them—got to save something for the extended cut blu ray and all that—but here are a few of my favorites; the ones that got me through the really tough times these past weeks (like sitting in a sub-arctic theatre for three hours with a four-gallon beverage cup, knowing neither theatre nor cup would ever empty enough for me to do what needed to be done. I should’ve ordered more popcorn.)
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: Tony, look, I know you’re upset—
TONY STARK: Why would you think I’m upset? Could it maybe be because this entire thing was YOUR FAULT?!
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: Woah, how is this my fault?
TONY STARK: I said we needed—
RHODEY: He’s not wrong.
TONY STARK: See?
ANT MAN: Hang on—that is Captain America! Let’s show some respect!
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: (looks uncomfortable)
TONY STARK: (to Rhodey) You gonna take that?
RHODEY: Yeah, hang on a second. I’m Colonel Rhodes, so where’s my fuckin’ salute?
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: Okay, see, mine’s more of an honorary—
ANT MAN: Wait—you’re not even a real Captain?
TONY STARK: Eh, more like Captain Kangaroo.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: No, Captain Kangaroo had a ship. This guy…
ANT MAN: I feel so betrayed.
ROCKET: Never meet your heroes, kid. .
TONY STARK: Holy shit—I’m gone for like two weeks and you guys got a talking Build-a-Bear?!
BRUCE BANNER: Where are you going?
CAPTAIN MARVEL: To kill Thanos.
ROCKET: Oh, what a great idea. I wonder why none of us thought of that!
CAPTAIN MARVEL: (glares) Well I’m here now, and I’m kind of a badass, so—
ANT MAN: (jumps up) I’ll come! I wanna help!
RHODEY: Calm down, Regular-Sized Man.
BLACK WIDOW: We don’t even know where Thanos is. With the power of the Infinity Stones he could be literally anywhere.
ANT MAN: Or anyone!
TONY STARK: Seriously?
BRUCE BANNER: You have got to stop.
ANT MAN: Hey, I know about science stuff too!
TONY AND BRUCE: (roll eyes)
ANT MAN: I saw that!
NEBULA: I know where Thanos is.
ALL: (turn to stare at her)
FAT THOR: (summons axe) Tell me. I will not (belches) fail again.
NEBULA: He’s got this retirement place—he picked it out when we were little. It’s nice. Garden, ocean views… I think there might even be chickens but there’s a chance I’m confusing it with the petting zoo he burned when they—
BLACK WIDOW: Okay.
BRUCE BANNER: Nope!
RHODEY: Do not want the details, thanks.
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: Okay, welcome to our We Survived The Snap support group—
SAD MAN #1: I still think the name is insensitive.
SAD MAN #2: You lost that debate, Tom. Besides, the t-shirts are already made up; it’s a done deal.***
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: Ahem. So who would like to share some feelings this week?
SAD MAN #1: I miss the Mets.
SAD MAN #3: We all miss the Mets.
SAD MAN #4: I miss the Yankees.
SUPPORT GROUP: (throws hats at him)
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: Okay, anyone else?
SAD MAN #2: I—
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: Something not sports related?
SAD MAN #2: …
SAD MAN #5: I miss my wife.
SAD MAN #2: (pats him on the back, nods)
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: Okay, that’s good. See, this is—
SAD MAN #5: I mean, I’m having to cook for myself!
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: …
SAD MAN #2: (withdraws supporting pats) …
SAD MAN #4: Have you tried… going out to eat?
SAD MAN #5: In New York? Who wants to wait for a table?
SAD MAN #1: Uh…
SAD MAN #4: Dude…
SAD MAN #3: I haven’t had to wait for a table since… you know.
SAD MAN #2: (points to shirt)
SAD MAN #5: (wide-eyed) Oh yeah!
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: Okay, maybe we should—
SAD MAN #1: And you know what else? I’ve been promoted twice at work. Twice! It’s like everybody who was standing in my way just… (snaps fingers)
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: (flinches) Let’s not—
SAD MAN #2: Gas prices are way down.
SAD MAN #3: I haven’t had to use my inhaler in weeks.
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: I think—
SAD MAN #4: I read in the Journal that this is the first time in history everyone on the planet has had enough food.
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: Re—
SAD MAN #5: I can poop in a different house every day!
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: Dude.
SAD MAN #1: …
SAD MAN #2: …
SAD MAN #3: …
SAD MAN #4: …
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: (quietly) I saw whales on my way here.
SAD MAN #1: In the Hudson?
SAD MAN #2: Holy shit!
SAD MAN #4: Well I’ll just say it—things are better now!
SAD MAN #5: Yep, definitely gonna poop in Gary’s house tonight.
BLACK WIDOW: We’ve got a hit!
FAT THOR: (waking up) Wuh?
ROCKET: It’s Thanos
BLACK WIDOW: He’s used the stones again. We tracked the location.
HAWKEYE: Great. Now all we need is a plan to kill him.
ANT MAN: I want to help!
NEBULA: Can we not silence the idiot?
FAT THOR: I… I can kill… (passes out, drools on self)
RHODEY: Okay, he’s out. Who’s on deck with ideas?
TONY STARK: Bruce and I have been working on something—
BRUCE BANNER: It’s a long-shot—
TONY STARK: And it’s a little… unconventional—
BLACK WIDOW: Have you seen my life? I don’t do conventional—I get text messages from a raccoon.
ROCKET: Trash panda!
ANT MAN: Seriously guys, I want to help!
TONY STARK: Don’t worry, Tiny, you’re in this one up to your—
BRUCE BANNER: (coughs)
ANT MAN: Really?! What is it?
TONY STARK: Well, first we go find Thanos. All of us.
ANT MAN: Okay, cool. Big teams get big results, right?
BRUCE BANNER: (chokes)
TONY STARK: Then you’re gonna do your shrinky thing.
ANT MAN: That’s my thing! I’m on it.
TONY STARK: Then you’ll climb up Thanos’s butthole—
ANT MAN: Wait—
ROCKET: I am loving this plan!
CAPTAIN MARVEL: (stifles chuckle)
TONY STARK: —and once you’re really wedged up there—
ANT MAN: (raises hand) Do I get a say?
HAWKEYE: You wanted in.
TONY STARK: You’ll grow to Supersized-Pissant and literally (gestures) rip him apart from the inside!
ANT MAN: Um…
TONY STARK: So whaddya say?
BRUCE BANNER: (puts hand on Ant Man’s shoulder) You in?
ANT MAN: Okay guys. I think I’ve come up with an alternative to your… up-the-butt plan to beat Thanos.
ROCKET: Aw, really? I love that plan!
NEBULA: I liked it as well.
TONY STARK: It really had something, didn’t it?
FAT THOR: Still, I agree with the little man. I should be the one to—oh look! You’ve got the good beer!
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: Are we just gonna let him…?
RHODEY: I tried to take away his peanut butter pretzels earlier; he bit my hand.
ANT MAN: Does anybody want to hear my new plan?
ROCKET: Nah, we’re pretty invested in the butt thing.
BLACK WIDOW: Bruce already made us these plastic suits to wear. For all the… you know…
ANT MAN: Time travel!
FAT THOR: …
BLACK WIDOW: …
BRUCE BANNER: …
TONY STARK: That’s… not a thing. I mean, maybe once we have the stones and can do space magic again sure. But now, in the real world, using science? Shrinking you down and sending you up Thanos’s butt is our best option.
ANT MAN: I’m telling you, this could work!
TONY STARK: Based on what? Back to the Future?
ANT MAN: … I mean…
BRUCE BANNER: Oh my god.
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: Even I know better!
BLACK WIDOW: Someone will still have to go to Vormir, in case Thanos retreats there.
NEBULA: That’s where he murdered my sister.
ROCKET: Not it!
TONY STARK: Not it!
RHODEY: Not it!
BRUCE BANNER: Not it!
BLACK WIDOW: (points to DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS and FAT THOR)
FAT THOR: Sorry, what?
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: Damn! Fine… I’ll go. C’mon Thunderchunk.
(Exterior: Vormir, a rocky planet we’ve seen before)
RED VOLDEMORT: If you’ve come seeking the soul stone you’re too—YOU!
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: We’re not here for… hang on, you recognize me?
RED VOLDEMORT: (flips back hood)
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: (recoils) YAIGH! (shudders) I mean… Oh, hi there. Long time no see!
RED VOLDEMORT: You are the reason I’ve been trapped here, guiding countless others to what I sought to possess!
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: Well, I mean… that’s not entirely true.
RED VOLDEMORT: Of course it is!
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: Ehhh… I mean, you’re certainly free to define your personal narrative—that’s something I’m learning in this support group I lead for—
RED VOLDEMORT: YOU RUINED MY LIFE’S WORK AND YOU COME HERE BRAGGING ABOUT YOUR PROGRESS IN THERAPY?!
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: (shrugs)
RED VOLDEMORT: (glares)
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: Hail Hydra.
RED VOLDEMORT: What?
FAT THOR: Wut?
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: What, you’re surprised?
RED VOLDEMORT: (gapes)
FAT THOR: (drops his pringles)
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: Seriously?
RED VOLDEMORT: All this time…?
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: Wait… You didn’t know? You guys just, what? Thought I was the worst Avenger?
RED VOLDEMORT: I mean…
FAT THOR: Only when that little buggy fellow isn’t around! Actually… he’s off literally ripping Thanos a new butthole right now so…
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: YOU SERIOUSLY JUST THOUGHT I WAS STUPID AND INCOMPETENT?!
FAT THOR: I guess you’ve just…
RED VOLDEMORT: You’ve got one of those faces (giggles)
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: That’s it! (picks up RED VOLDEMORT, tosses him over the cliff)
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: We did it, Avengers.
VALKYRIE: All is once again as it should be.
SCARLET WITCH: More or less.
FAT THOR: I said I’ll go on a diet, what more do you people want from me?!
ROCKET: To borrow that hammer?
RHODEY: For you to take a shower while you’re at it?
BRUCE BANNER: To see you use thunder as a weapon just once?
FAT THOR: I… what?
BRUCE BANNER: Hasn’t anyone ever noticed that for the “god of thunder” he uses lightning an awful lot?
VALKYRIE: (shrugs) Thunder doesn’t really do much.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: Tell me about it.
ROCKET: God of thunder thighs, maybe.
AGENT COLSON: Hi guys!
BRUCE BANNER: Phil!
FAT THOR: I thought—
DISGRACED STEVE ROGERS: I’m gonna go look for Peggy! (runs off)
* Speaking of, someone find me a talented young animator for a possible collaboration—I just got an idea…
** No? You’d rather I do something about the smell? You and the neighbors both, hon.
*** If you didn’t see the movie while wearing one of these shirts, it’s not too late. Order one immediately and go do it again. The right way.