If you’re a fan of conspiracy theories, or sexually motivated aliens, or monochromatic swagger, then you’ve probably already seen Men in Black: International.
But you haven’t seen the deleted scenes… yet.
My darlings, I went to bat for every single one of these gems. I begged, pleaded, and—I’m not proud—offered myself to Chris Hemsworth to get these scenes into the theatrical release. But I was overruled… and escorted out of the building, because apparently forging a security pass is a “serious offense” or whatever.
They can’t erase my memories!* Or my notes, which I scribbled furiously for your benefit. So here, in no particular order, are my favorite deleted scenes from Men in Black: International
TOTALLY NOT THOR: You’ve got to admit, we have the best job in the world.
AGENT LIAM NEESON: What makes you say that?
NOT THOR: Well, here we are, top of the Eiffel Tower, about to blast an alien invasion back to… you know… whichever planet they came from—I actually wasn’t paying attention to that bit, truthfully—and when we’re done a cleanup crew will drive by and convince all of Paris that it was just part of the light show they hate so much. (laughs, waving space gun)
ALN: (raises eyebrow) Are you taking any part of this seriously?
NOT THOR: Not if I can help it, no.
ALN: Right. Just… aim your deatomizer right up their path of entry. I’ll do the same and—
NOT THOR: And don’t cross the streams.
NOT THOR: Sorry, wrong movie.
NOT THOR: FIRE!
ALN: (explodes aliens)
TOTALLY NOT VALKYRIE: (sneaks into MiB headquarters)
ELEVATOR: (closes doors)
NOT VALKYRIE: (smirks)
ELEVATOR: (flashes red) CODE BLACK—UNAUTHORIZED ENTRY.
NOT VALKYRIE: (falling) That’s racist!
ELEVATOR: (opens doors, deposits Not Valkyrie)
SCARY HEAD AGENT: Well, you don’t see one of those every day.
NOT VALKYRIE: What, an intelligent, inquisitive black woman?
SCARY HEAD AGENT: Don’t be stupid, we’ve got those all over. I’m surprised you didn’t notice on your way in.
NOT VALKYRIE: I was busy plummeting to my death.
SCARY HEAD AGENT: No, what we don’t often get anymore are sneaky little conspiracy nutters wandering in off the street.
NOT VALKYRIE: I’m not a—
SCARY HEAD AGENT: You know… in the old days we’d have recruited you.
NOT VALKYRIE: That’s exactly—
SCARY HEAD AGENT: (puts on sunglasses) Of course, now… (pulls out neuralyzer)
NOT VALKYRIE: NO! Wait… don’t you want to know why I’m here?
SCARY HEAD AGENT: Actually…
NOT VALKYRIE: I’m here to apply.
SCARY HEAD AGENT: Sorry, we’re not hiring. We recruit.
NOT VALKYRIE: Then recruit me!
SCARY HEAD AGENT: That’s not—
NOT VALKYRIE: I’ve already seen aliens!
SCARY HEAD AGENT: So have a lot of people. (waves neuralyzer) This is how we handle it.
NOT VALKYRIE: Right, but… I’ve kept the secret my whole life.
SCARY HEAD AGENT: Seriously?
NOT VALKYRIE: See how perfect I am for a super-secret organization?
SCARY HEAD AGENT: … No, actually. Because you just gave up your big secret the minute I threatened you.
NOT VALKYRIE: Oh.
SCARY HEAD AGENT: Exactly.
NOT VALKYRIE: Well… I… look really good in a black suit?
SCARY HEAD AGENT: …
NOT VALKYRIE: (smiles)
SCARY HEAD AGENT: (tilts head) You do, actually. All right, come on.
AGENT LIAM NEESON: I’ve called this meeting of my top agents and department heads to discuss a serious issue. We have a prob—
TOTALLY NOT THOR: (stumbling in) Sorry! Sorry I’m late (trips over chair)
ALN: (raises eyebrow) Glad you decided to grace us with your presence.
AGENT BEANCOUNTER: Why in the hell is he still invited to these things? I mean, look at him!
NOT THOR: Hey! Why are you here—don’t you work in accounting?
ABC: I am an Agent, same as you! Actually—
NOT THOR: (to Liam Neeson) He is, he’s totally an accountant. Look at him!
ALN: (rolls eyes)
ABC: Oh, sure, bring Daddy into it. (whips out neuralyzer)
NOT THOR: (scrunches eyes closed)
ABC: OPEN ‘EM!
NOT THOR: MAKE ME!
ALN: ENOUGH! Agent Beancounter, put that away; we do not neuralyze our own over petty squabbles… any more. Agent Tho—er… (coughs) ummm… (points at Totally Not Thor) You’re taking on a new partner anyway.
ABC: Why him?
NOT THOR: (sticks tongue out at Agent Beancounter) Nya-ha! (straightens) Actually… hey, yeah, why me?
ALN: Because she’s young and intelligent and a shining beacon of the potential of this agency and I have every confidence that you will not sleep with her.
NOT THOR: … Yeah, seriously?
AGENT LIAM NEESON: Agent… erm, Agent, this is your new partner.
TOTALLY NOT THOR: Hello
TOTALLY NOT VALKYRIE: Hello
ALN: Sorry, have you two met before?
NOT THOR: Nope.
NOT VALKYRIE: Definitely not.
ALN: It’s just… I’m sure I’ve seen you two—
NOT VALKYRIE: I’ve just got one of those faces.
NOT THOR: Me too!
ALN: Riiiight. Okay then. Off you pop! Save the world and all that.
NOT VALKYRIE: (watching him leave) That’s going to keep happening, isn’t it.
NOT THOR: I wonder if this is how Tom Hanks feels.
NOT VALKYRIE: You did not just compare yourself to Tom Hanks.
TOTALLY NOT THOR: Right. Let’s get the weapon, get the evidence, then get the hell out of here.
TOTALLY NOT VALKYRIE: On it! (holsters space gun, begins searching)
GIANT FLUFFY ALIEN: (breaks down door) Raaaawrrr!
NOT THOR: Thanos! We meet again.
NOT VALKYRIE: Umm…
GIANT FLUFFY ALIEN: (huffs) Okay, first of all? (points at face) Not James Brolin.
NOT THOR: Sorry, what?
GIANT FLUFFY ALIEN: Second, we’re not allowed to point out that you two are obviously making a desperate grasp at former Revengers glory—
NOT VALKYRIE: Technically A-vengers, and that was a different—
TADPOLE SIDEKICK: That’s where I know you from!
GIANT FLUFFY ALIEN: (pointing at tadpole) See?
NOT THOR & VALKYRIE: DIFFERENT FRANCHISE!
GIANT FLUFFY ALIEN: Oh, I’m sure it was a total coincidence. (hits Totally Not Thor with table)
NOT THOR: (reaches hand out, straining)
TADPOLE SIDEKICK: What is he doing?
NOT VALKYRIE: What are you doing?
NOT THOR: … Hammer…
NOT VALKYRIE: Are… are you trying to summon “your” hammer, or use the Force to pull that hammer to you?
TADPOLE SIDEKICK: (wincing) Either way…
GIANT FLUFFY ALIEN: This is just sad…
TOTALLY NOT VALKYRIE: Tadpole, ask him for the forensics report from the crash.
TADPOLE SIDEKICK: (turns slightly) My Queen says you are a disgusting weasel with the morals of a stray dog, but you have a file she requires and you are hereby ordered to hand it over.
TOTALLY NOT THOR: Tell her I already uploaded it to the shared drive. And she didn’t say that!
TADPOLE SIDEKICK: There was subtext. (turns back) My Lady, the swine insists he turned in his report… I suspect deception.
NOT VALKYRIE: (bobs head) It’s possible, but incompetence is more likely. Let’s check.
TADPOLE SIDEKICK: (bows)
NOT THOR: Tell her I’m still waiting on that translation.
TADPOLE SIDEKICK: (sighs) Oh Great Queen, the Embarrassment of Ages requests your assistance with a translation.
NOT VALKYRIE: (swipes screen) Done.
TADPOLE SIDEKICK: (bows) Elegantly as always. (turns again) Her Majesty says you’re a half-witted has-been who was more fun when he was fat.
NOT THOR: HEY!
NOT VALKYRIE: (snorts)
NOT THOR: She didn’t say that!
NOT VALKYRIE: I swear, it’s like he can read my mind.
* At least, I’m pretty sure they can’t. Big parts of that day are still a blur… Chris, you might want to call me so we can get our stories straight.