Any Given Sunday


In case you’ve been wondering—and you have, don’t even try to deny it, it’s basically all you think about—Offspring and I are still playing Ark.


Every Sunday, actually; we have a weekly gaming date to catch up (we usually talk and text the rest of the week but he doesn’t always have time for his mom) and just have fun together.


Plus it gets me out of some really boring weekend chores and errands, which is just all kinds of bonus.


You won’t find us out in any of your worlds, of course, because while two only children can share a game with each other, (just barely) asking us to share with strangers is madness.  No, we’ve got our own server for our little tribe, and even invited Husband to join… he mostly plays on his own, of course.


I think we scare him.


Ark screenshot of many green beams marking locations of player's many corpses

Actual screenshot Offspring took of his many corpses after an epic battle.


OFFSPRING:  So where’s your body?
ME:  Ummm… this way?  Maybe?  I can’t see a flare… *
OFFSPRING:  Prolly cuz the sky’s too bright.  Let’s go.
ME:  Oooh, I think it was near here cuz look.
ME:  Right?  Those are the things that killed me before.  Maybe.

Ark screenshot of spikey dinosaur impaling direwolf and flinging it around; so much blood everywhere

These are fun: they impale you on those long spikes then wave you around like a toy or just sort of… walk away, wearing you.  Until you die.


ME:  I think… honey, isn’t this about where I died before?  Because those things were doing the—
HIM:  (peeking around corner)  Nope.  Look at your map.
ME:  Damn.  Okay, it’s this way.  You ready?
OFFSPRING:  … Hang on.  Okay.  Got mah shield.  We good now.
ME:  Okay cool because I see the marker and… it’s getting Jurassic over here.  Like, right on top of my corpse.
OFFSPRING:  Oh fuck.
ME:  Are you coming?  I can’t deal with these al—
OFFSPRING:  Yeah, I just… was there an alpha when you came through?
ME:  Oooh, but there’s two of them now.  Fuck!

Ark screenshot of T-rex with red "alpha" haze attacking tame rex

We tamed a T-rex that day and kept her for almost ten whole minutes.  RIP, Rihanna.


OFFSPRING:  Okay, new plan.  I’m going to respawn at the river base and you respawn at the closer one about two minutes later.  That’ll give me time to catch up to you so you don’t freeze to death waiting for me.
ME:  Then we make a run for our corpses?
ME:  And we know where they are now, so this time we’ll get our stuff!
OFFSPRING:  Okay, go!
ME:  I’m up, where are you?
OFFSPRING:  Grabbing berries so I don’t starve when I have to run around looking for you.
ME:  That’s not fair…
OFFSPRING:  Grab some and let’s go.
ME:  Right, so mine is this way.  Do you know where yours is?
OFFSPRING:  Yup, I see it.
ME:  Cool. Let’s be careful right here because… wait.  You’re not behind me.
OFFSPRING:  No.  I went to get my body.
ME:  Okay, but you didn’t say you were veering off!
ME:  No, you didn’t!
OFFSPRING:  Well where are you?
ME:  Following that same straight line we were on!  Like an idiot!
OFFSPRING:  But I said, “I see my body!”
ME:  But I can’t see it!  So you say, “I see my body”’ without adding, “and it’s way the fuck over there, so I’m gonna abandon you naked and unarmed in the snow while I go haring off after it” and I assume we’re still together and following this same straight path!
OFFSPRING:  Okay, but I’ve got all my gear now.  Would you rather we were both naked unarmed?
OFFSPRING:  Where are you?
ME:  Headed back along that same straight path, because I don’t know where you went.  Because I’m traveling with an asshole who doesn’t communicate—AND NOW I’M DYING!
OFFSPRING:  What?  How are you—oh.
ME:  Hey, did you know you can’t punch an alpha to death?
HIM:  Especially when you’re not even facing him.

Ark screenshot: view through rifle scope of velciraptor with red "alpha" haze

An alpha raptor.  These fuckers are just rude.


ME:  Okay, so I think if we can just stick to this bit and avoid all the alphas—Jesus, look at ‘em all… how are they friends?
OFFSPRING:  Let’s just—
ME:  Yeah, if we stick this way we can dodge those.  Let’s go.
OFFSPRING:  Are you sure it was this far?
ME:  … no.  This seems too far.  Honey?
HIM:  (tired of our shit but oddly fascinated)  Look at your map.
ME:  Okay, apparently it’s past all this.
ME:  Sorry!
OFFSPRING:  Let’s just go get your body; it’s fine.  We’re okay up here for a little bit.
ME:  Says the guy with clothes.
OFFSPRING:  We’ll get your armor ba—hang on.
ME:  …
OFFSPRING:  Okay, hyenadons are in this biome but we should be fine so long as we stay up the mountain a bit.  We’ll just still be able to hear them.
ME:  K.
ME:  …
OFFSPRING:  Seriously, this far?
ME:  Lemme check the map… actually, a little farther.
OFFSPRING:  You crossed three biomes to die?
ME:  I… why did I run so far, honey?
HIM:  You were chasing an argentavis.
ME:  Right… I was chasing a flying thing, so I was looking up—and pissed, remember how mad I was at him?  And I must not have been paying attention to anything else.
OFFSPRING:  But… how did you chase it this far?
ME:  … How did I manage to chase it this far, honey?
HIM:  It was pretty.
ME:  Oh right!  It was soooo pretty!  White with red freckles on the wings.  I should go find it…
OFFSPRING:  No!  No… let’s find you first.

Ark screenshot of giant bird, majestic as fuck

He’s huge, carries you bravely, and a fierce protector; tell me you wouldn’t follow him to the ends of the earth and beyond.


OFFSPRING:  Oh shit.  Stay back.
ME:  Staying back.  Well, up.
OFFSPRING:  Direwolves!
ME:  Watching!
OFFSPRING:  Okay, I got this.
ME:  I believe in y—
ME:  I’m safe.
OFFSPRING:  I’m… respawning.
ME:  K.  I’ll just wait here.  In the snow.  Naked.
ME:  No worries.  Hey, where was that random lava flow?
OFFSPRING:  Over by the hyenas, I think?
ME:  Hmmm… let’s see if I can at least find a slightly warmer spot to wait—nope!
OFFSPRING:  What?  I’m on my way back.
ME:  Direwolves.
OFFSPRING:  Just run.
ME:  No, I’m far enough away that they didn’t aggro.  It was a near miss, though.
OFFSPRING:  Okay, I see you.  Let’s go get my body, then yours, then—
OFFSPRING:  FUCK!  Okay, it’s okay.
OFFSPRING:  No, I got this!
ME:  You do not got this!  You are naked and have no weapons!
ME:  …
OFFSPRING:  Yeah, I didn’t got that.
ME:  I told you!
OFFSPRING:  I’m on my way back.
ME:  Whatever.  I’m going for my body.  Can’t freeze to death waiting on you.
OFFSPRING:  I’ll be right—
OFFSPRING:  Yeah, I saw him when I was—
OFFSPRING:  I’m on my way!
OFFSPRING:  I don’t know how aggressive—
ME:  DIREWOLVES DIDN’T GO FOR THE MAMMOTH!  I’M FUUUUUUCKED!  Oh shit, my body.  HEY!  NO!  BAD DOGGIES!  Oh my god he’s so pretty!
OFFSPRING:  The rainbow one?  Yeah, he was in the pair that killed me.
ME:  Well, I gathered a whole pack by the time they caught me but now I must have him.

Ark screenshot: direwolf leaping onto moose amid snowy mountains and bare trees

Not the rainbow one, obvi.  I didn’t get a screenshot of him, on account of being way too busy dying.


ME:  Okay, question.
ME:  What’s so great about our bodies anyway?
OFFSPRING:  I mean… they’ve got literally all our gear.  Food.  Supplies.  Other than that…
ME:  Can’t we just make new stuff?
OFFSPRING:  I mean, yeah… If you want—
ME:  And then go tame the pretty rainbow direwolf so I can name him Sprinkles?
OFFSPRING:  (sighs)  Let’s get started.

Ark screenshot: snowy mountain and trees, ice-filled river

Could we have simply gone back to another (more hospitable) base for supplies?  Sure… but who has time for that when they’re busy rebuilding from nothing?


HIM:  So did you actually accomplish anything in this session?
ME:  We had adventures!
HIM:  Right, but did you make progress?**
ME:  What do you mean?  We fought off two alpha raptors at the valley base, we—
HIM:  Right, but you lost almost all your tames there in the process.
ME:  (sniffles)  Poor Ares…
HIM:  And then you decided to start over on the mountain… did you rebuild everything you lost, or was this all just steps backward?
ME:  …
HIM:  …
ME:  We had adventures.
HIM:  …
ME:  …
HIM:  Okay.  So you’re calling that—
ME:  A successful day of adventuring!
HIM:  (shakes head)  Okay.




* When you die you have a generous amount of time to go back for your body; if nothing eats it, you can loot it and hack it up for meat and hide; if it’s been eaten, you can still get your gear.  There is a green beam of light that indicates where your body is.


** Such an engineer.




5 comments on “Any Given Sunday

  1. Rivergirl says:

    Am totally unfamiliar with gaming… but this sounds interesting. A rainbow direwolf named Sprinkles on the other hand?

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Arionis says:

    I love every single thing about this post! A T-Rex named Rihanna? LOL! I used to do some gaming with my offspring which mostly consisted of them yelling at me to keep up, and then abandoning me after they became frustrated. Kind of like I did to my dad when he would move the ship in Asteroids. Everyone knows you don’t move the ship. It’s just going to increase the odds of crashing into those asteroids.

    I really should dust off my Xbox. I got Red Dead Redemption 2 when it came out but for some reason I couldn’t get into it. I loved RDR 1. Maybe I’ll name my horse Lady Gaga.

    Liked by 1 person

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