Under Attack

 

I’m so sorry.

 

David Tennant (Doctor Who) "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry"

 

Just one this week, and all depressing.  Skip it if you like; I won’t judge.

 

 

screenshot of text from shitbag uncle reads: Sorry (meh emoji) your father passed in his sleep today at 8:37 am end of story

I think the “meh” emoji was an especially thoughtful touch.

 

That’s the text I received from Mark, notifying me that my father was dead.  I never spoke to him again after the Fathers Day call.  Offspring called the hospital, demanding information, confirmation… something.

 

They had to get Mark’s permission to talk to him.  In direct opposition to my father’s advance directive, Mark had locked down all of his information and communications so everything had to go through either him or Kenny.  (He’d also misrepresented himself and Kenny as Dad’s sons, but that’s… part of a whole ‘nother issue.)  The story we finally got was this: on the 28th day after Marsha’s death, Mark ordered that my father’s BiPAP be removed from his room so that he could slowly suffocate and die.

 

The last words my father ever spoke to me were angry, hurtful, and full of hate.  His own brother, for reasons I cannot fathom, turned him against me and then killed him.  I’m still dealing.  I don’t even know what “healed” would look like, not from this.

 

Then, on the heels of all that, our precious Brindle Girl took a sharp turn for the worse.  When she couldn’t manage kibble anymore I cooked for her, when she couldn’t eat on her own anymore I hand-fed her, but when she couldn’t keep down even liquids… we took her to a new vet who delivered the brutal news with kindness: she’d lost 30lbs in just over a week and our only choices were to kill her gently then or to do it cruelly over the course of days—a week at the outside.

 

No choice at all, really—she’d never given up on anything or anyone* but I couldn’t take her home and watch her starve to death.  I kissed her and told her I’d miss her like bonkers but that I’d see her again soon.

 

 

At this point, I’m feeling personally attacked by the universe.

 

We’re taking a week off to travel, and then there’s the funeral planning—you’ll forgive me for not blogging that drama, I’d really rather just try to keep my head up and my claws sheathed for the sake of my own sanity—but I wanted to explain why there’ll be an abrupt absence.  And why there won’t be a better resolution to these two stories.

 

Like I said, I’m not writing fiction here.  If I was, I’d write something better than this.

 

 

 

 

* Seriously.  Someday when it doesn’t hurt my heart to do it, remind me to tell you about all the stray animals she brought into our home.  There was this little field mouse she “rescued” one winter…

 

 

 

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60 comments on “Under Attack

  1. I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad and all the drama that has happened in that situation. You will have a lot of grieving and processing to do, but please try to hope and believe that even if your last conversation with him wasn’t good, he felt differently about you and loved you at the end. You had some good time with him and helped him see you in the proper light.

    As for his brothers and what they’ve done, all I can say is “shame on them”. I am wishing bad things for Mark and Kenny…very bad things. I hope Karma swoops in on their nasty asses and does a major butt whooping.

    Sending you strength and love.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Jack Herlocker says:

    Chase, with your permission, I would like to add Brindle Girl’s name to a list of beloveds that I keep: https://link.medium.com/QQTiqvyc1X

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Victor K says:

    There really needs to be a different reaction than ‘like’, just to help cover situations akin to this one. So sorry for what you are going through.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Jeffy says:

    Oh my god, Chase. I don’t know what I thought was going to happen but it wasn’t this. Fuck Mark. Like, really? That’s the best he could do? Pathetic.
    I know what it feels like to lose your Daddy, though not in such awful family circumstances as yours. And I know what it’s like to lose a beloved furbaby.
    So I send you all the compassion, good books, chocolate, wine and tissues I can over the internet. Take care of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Losing the Plot says:

    Chase, my heart aches for you and everything that you have been through. I hope you are able to grieve properly, and start the process of healing. I understand that in itself that is complicated, obviously there is hurt going so deep for so long, that you may always carry the wound.

    I had bad feelings towards Mark before, that’s nothing compared to now. I understand the significance of 28 days, and I realise what has happened.

    I am so sorry darling girl, so very, very sorry. All my love, for what it’s worth, I send to you now xxx

    Sonia x

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Rivergirl says:

    I’m speechless at the type of cold hearted bastard it would take to text an emoji and say “end of story” to tell someone their father had passed. I also can’t imagine the pain this whole horrible situation has caused you. Please try to remember those good moments you had with your dad and know that you did right by him. His struggles are at an end and has found peace. I hope with all my heart you can as well… someday. We’re here if you need to vent.
    (Or if you need a cyber army to wage war…. just sayin’. )
    *Many, many hugs*
    ❣️

    Liked by 2 people

  7. hethrgood says:

    I am so sorry. Take time to grieve. Sending you virtual hugs.

    In the future, I hope we all get to hear how karma comes around for those two…and I hope it’s spectacularly appropriate.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Bex says:

    Fuck Mark. Poor Brindle Girl. She will be greatly missed. Hope Hamilton is snuggling you extra hard and husband is keeping what little hopes up he can-I hear it can be good to balance the good with the bad. I’m so sorry Chase.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ham is working overtime on Snuggle Duty, Husband and Offspring both stepped up. I’m still a little foggy and don’t want to be anywhere or do anything, but eventually I know I’m going to bore myself so I might as well start poking my head out now to accustom myself to the light.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Ann says:

    So very sorry for your losses.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I am so sorry for your losses. It sounds just unnecessarily cruel that it would all come at once, I cannot fathom what you are going through right now. I can’t pretend that I understand the “big picture,” but from what I know of you, thankfully you have a support system filled with love. I hope karma comes to those who harm you and yours intentionally and it comes not quietly but blaring and obviously so, because I am just that sort of person. Be safe in your travels and always take time for self care, you’re worth it!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Sherry Bucalo says:

    When I was around 7, my grandma died( with help from her Dr.) and my mom made sure I wasn’t there. I was pissed. When my dad was dying of cancer, I made it very clear I wanted to be there. I wasn’t and that really pissed me off. So yeah I do know. Please be careful when the rage hits, it’s dammed hard not to strangle someone at that point. Take care and get a hold of a good attorney

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Arionis says:

    Really? In a text like that? What a fucking Jizz Waffle! I am so sorry to hear of the passing of your father which would have been hard enough in normal circumstances. To have have his own brother make it even worse is unforgivable. I’m also sad you had to say good bye to your Brindle Girl. I don’t think you need to apologize at all for venting on your blog. I think it’s therapeutic and we are all here to listen.

    Liked by 2 people

  13. I am really sorry that your Dad died and that his brother treated you so poorly. Remember and remember that your Dad called you Munchkin at the last. I am sorry, too, that your dog died. Terrible times for you. I am your fan.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. wds2020 says:

    All of this is shit cake.

    I reckon, one redemption is, we know as grown ups, it wont stay bad forever.

    Meanwhile here we are right in the middle of a pile of doodoo. My heart hurts. Not the clogged up artery one. The one that feels the pain of a fellow traveller.

    Liked by 1 person

    • No, it doesn’t stay this way forever. The hurt scabs over, somehow, whether we want it to or not. Which feels particularly cruel in the case of my lovely Brindle, who should be actively missed every minute of every day until the sun goes cold. I will never again meet a dog who can get her head stuck under a door and manage to look like it’s not that big a deal, really. Twice.

      Like

  15. Cat says:

    Oh dear god. I am so, so, so sorry. Much love to you and your chosen family from an internet stranger who’s been following your blog for a long while now. We can’t choose the families we’re born into, but those we choose to belong to are where it’s at. Peace and light and hugs for as long as you need them. Xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Chase, I am so sorry. I know that doesnt help. Just know we will be here whenever your ready doll. Happy, sad, good, bad, let it out…. Be safe.💖

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Christina says:

    Chase, I can only echo those who came before me and say how very sorry I am for all your losses. You’ve been through hell and it just hasn’t stopped.

    Write whatever you damn well please, it’s your blog. We’ll read it regardless. And if it involves voodoo dolls of Mark and Kenny, so much the better!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. skohio says:

    Yes, write whatever it is you need to write to help your heart right now.

    I’m SO sorry about Brindle Girl – you gave her the right passing, the absolutely most gut-wrenching, heartbreaking, and utterly devastating passing but it was the right one, the fair one, and the most loving one. I am so so so sorry.

    I’m sorry you didn’t get loving closure with your father. You did EVERYTHING and beyond for him, maybe he just couldn’t grasp that someone could love him so.

    I fucking hate Mark.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Everyone loves Brindle; she was a beautiful soul who brought joy and humor wherever she went. And we can all sympathize with my father, a lost and hurting man who didn’t see how close the enemy stood until it was too late.

      And everyone hates Mark. I’m sure he’d say that’s my fault, but I’ve never misrepresented his words or actions or failed to report a kindness he did. He suffered no more in my retellings than my father did, and even before Dad died y’all were sympathetic. So.

      All of that being my long-winded way of saying you got it right: Brindle was innocent and deserves loving memories. Dad deserves our sympathy and pity. And Mark deserves far worse than I’ll be allowed to dole out.

      I’ve asked. Repeatedly.

      Like

  19. Wishing you strength as you go forward.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. beffypoo1 says:

    I am so sorry you are going through this shitstorm. Take care of yourself. That is what is important right now ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  21. emmaclaire says:

    What a ridiculous excuse for a human being – may Mark be infested with the lice of a thousand camels. And Kenny as well, for not having the cajones to stand up and do the right thing when he had the chance. You have my condolences for the passing of your father, and especially your beloved pooch. Although the pain of letting her go must be awful, at least the love and memories are clean and happy and unencumbered by any familial douchebaggery. Write when you’re able and take care of you and your guys. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • We’re all sharing our favorite Brindle stories around here, which change daily. “Remember when That Awful Foster taught her to dig holes? She was so proud of her first hole! We were afraid we’d have to call out a contractor to repair the foundation and she was like, Hey guys COME CHECK OUT THIS REALLY COOL HOLE!”

      Liked by 1 person

  22. Me says:

    I wish I could say something useful and comforting but all I’ve got is At least he can’t die on you again.
    That and I hope Mark gets what he deserves.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. I’m so sorry for your losses, I really had hoped the family thing would go better but… well… I’m sorry they suck. That’s all I got. I lost my dad a few years ago, nothing makes it easier. But you’ll be in my thoughts, much love to you.

    I’m also so very sorry about Brindle Girl. I’ve got an elderly gray (in color not breed, though he’s a weimaraner so get asked a lot if he’s a greyhound) boy that we’re going to have to make that decision on sooner or later. It will not be my finest day, I know that much.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Weims are awesome. Fun trick: they all know they’re weimaraners, so you can call, “Weimaraner!” and they’ll look up. Especially funny if you’ve got several weims in a group of other dogs. I don’t know why this works (see also: “Huskies say YO!” to elicit huskies and onlythe huskies howling for their pack) but it does.

      Thank you for distracting me.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Weimaraners are also breedist for some reason. He snubs every dog he’s ever met, we ran into another weimaraner one day and he acted like it was some giant family reunion. And then they both snubbed all the other dogs together. Fortunately we adopted a half weim mix as our 2nd dog, he sort of accepts her but I can tell he’s being kinda judg-y.

        Anytime. We all need a little distraction sometimes. Sometimes life’s just shitty.

        Liked by 1 person

  24. I’ve been gone, and when I logged on I went searching for you with some dismay because you NEVER miss a post (in my experience). I was worried that yet another of my favorite bloggers had quit on us. Finally found this … and oh my dear, I am so very sorry. I’m glad you were able to give your sweet baby girl a peaceful end; it hurts SO MUCH but it’s comforting to be able to give that final gift. As for your Dad … oh wow, that aches. I’m sorry. Wishing you much strength and a personal force field that repels toxicity. As in, turns it back upon the sender!

    Liked by 2 people

    • I like this force field design; do they sell it on Amazon?

      Like

      • Amazon is the devil! Even if they did sell it you couldn’t buy it from them because you would automatically be on the wrong side. The Force would be AGAINST you! So I don’t know where you’d get a new one, sorry… I got mine sort of accidentally on eBay – it was tangled up in the bubble wrap and when I offered to return it he said it happened a lot and not too bother. The guy is called Arthur Dent. He sells towels.

        Liked by 2 people

  25. So, as previously mentioned, I’ve been gone. Stumbled upon your 15 chapter epic this evening. You must feel gutted. So much ugliness and hate and hurt – and for what? Your Dad asked his brother – the controlling asshole one, sorry, I’ve read his name so many times tonight and I don’t remember it – what you would gain from having the medical PoA. I have to wonder what any of them gained from being so unspeakably vicious. Horrible final memory of your Dad, horrible way for him to die – just horrible all round. I’m wishing you peace and healing, and the fullness of God’s grace as you figure out how to package these memories.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. It’s still not over, but I’m finding my way (lawyers! They’re worth every penny!) I still don’t have an answer to the question of why; why they would be so awful, why they made the choices they made, why they hate me and turned my father against me… I don’t want to believe they did it for money; it’s too ugly a possibility for me to face, even if it is the most obvious one. I’m not saying people don’t becaome monstrous over money (even kill for it) but I like to think they do it for more than a few thousand dollars, you know?

      I’m told that I can find consolation in the fact that I was “right” in the end, or that I was “good to him” but I have no such comfort. He’s still dead, and when I trace the thread of events back, I can find exactly where I went wrong: I didn’t insist on the hospital that already knew him, that already had his records. Maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference, but most likely it would have.

      Like

      • I wish I had words to offer that would make the hurt go away, and make it all okay! But of course they don’t exist. All I can offer is my best whack at an honest response … So … Yeah, I think it would have, too. I think he called you a force of nature – I seem to remember that from one of your posts – but even if he didn’t, that’s what you are.

        BUT … Chase, is it possible that he really wanted to die? That’s how it looks to me, based on your posts. I don’t have the sense – maybe I’m wrong – that he was losing his marbles, particularly, so he knew what his brother was, and deep down he knew what you were. Is it possible he made an active, intentional choice? Kind of, suicide by dickhead brother? I know you wanted him to choose to live, and to do so because you’re worth it, but there was clearly a lot of baggage, and maybe he simply couldn’t deal with the guilt and regret.

        None of which makes you feel any better about losing him – because if you’d managed things differently, you’d likely still be hammering away at him, reminding him that you’re worth it, and away from all the haters you might have broken through. I wish it had worked out that way, because you’ll always have that “what if” niggling away at you. Just, please, don’t let it morph into “if only” and become a seed of guilt, bitterness, or some other additional misery to you. He made a choice, and there comes a point where you have to respect that and let it go.

        As for the rest of them … Ugh. Karma will get them, although I’m guessing they’re too stupid and self-absorbed to recognize when it does and will just feel sorry for themselves when it does. That’s why I prefer the idea of them standing in judgment one day, when they can’t escape the replay of their acts of petty malice.

        I’m sorry you have to deal with lawyers, though.

        Liked by 1 person

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