Under Attack

 

I’m so sorry.

 

David Tennant (Doctor Who) "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry"

 

Just one this week, and all depressing.  Skip it if you like; I won’t judge.

 

 

screenshot of text from shitbag uncle reads: Sorry (meh emoji) your father passed in his sleep today at 8:37 am end of story

I think the “meh” emoji was an especially thoughtful touch.

 

That’s the text I received from Mark, notifying me that my father was dead.  I never spoke to him again after the Fathers Day call.  Offspring called the hospital, demanding information, confirmation… something.

 

They had to get Mark’s permission to talk to him.  In direct opposition to my father’s advance directive, Mark had locked down all of his information and communications so everything had to go through either him or Kenny.  (He’d also misrepresented himself and Kenny as Dad’s sons, but that’s… part of a whole ‘nother issue.)  The story we finally got was this: on the 28th day after Marsha’s death, Mark ordered that my father’s BiPAP be removed from his room so that he could slowly suffocate and die.

 

The last words my father ever spoke to me were angry, hurtful, and full of hate.  His own brother, for reasons I cannot fathom, turned him against me and then killed him.  I’m still dealing.  I don’t even know what “healed” would look like, not from this.

 

Then, on the heels of all that, our precious Brindle Girl took a sharp turn for the worse.  When she couldn’t manage kibble anymore I cooked for her, when she couldn’t eat on her own anymore I hand-fed her, but when she couldn’t keep down even liquids… we took her to a new vet who delivered the brutal news with kindness: she’d lost 30lbs in just over a week and our only choices were to kill her gently then or to do it cruelly over the course of days—a week at the outside.

 

No choice at all, really—she’d never given up on anything or anyone* but I couldn’t take her home and watch her starve to death.  I kissed her and told her I’d miss her like bonkers but that I’d see her again soon.

 

 

At this point, I’m feeling personally attacked by the universe.

 

We’re taking a week off to travel, and then there’s the funeral planning—you’ll forgive me for not blogging that drama, I’d really rather just try to keep my head up and my claws sheathed for the sake of my own sanity—but I wanted to explain why there’ll be an abrupt absence.  And why there won’t be a better resolution to these two stories.

 

Like I said, I’m not writing fiction here.  If I was, I’d write something better than this.

 

 

 

 

* Seriously.  Someday when it doesn’t hurt my heart to do it, remind me to tell you about all the stray animals she brought into our home.  There was this little field mouse she “rescued” one winter…

 

 

 

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24 comments on “Under Attack

  1. I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad and all the drama that has happened in that situation. You will have a lot of grieving and processing to do, but please try to hope and believe that even if your last conversation with him wasn’t good, he felt differently about you and loved you at the end. You had some good time with him and helped him see you in the proper light.

    As for his brothers and what they’ve done, all I can say is “shame on them”. I am wishing bad things for Mark and Kenny…very bad things. I hope Karma swoops in on their nasty asses and does a major butt whooping.

    Sending you strength and love.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jack Herlocker says:

    Chase, with your permission, I would like to add Brindle Girl’s name to a list of beloveds that I keep: https://link.medium.com/QQTiqvyc1X

    Like

  3. Victor K says:

    There really needs to be a different reaction than ‘like’, just to help cover situations akin to this one. So sorry for what you are going through.

    Like

  4. Jeffy says:

    Oh my god, Chase. I don’t know what I thought was going to happen but it wasn’t this. Fuck Mark. Like, really? That’s the best he could do? Pathetic.
    I know what it feels like to lose your Daddy, though not in such awful family circumstances as yours. And I know what it’s like to lose a beloved furbaby.
    So I send you all the compassion, good books, chocolate, wine and tissues I can over the internet. Take care of yourself.

    Like

  5. Losing the Plot says:

    Chase, my heart aches for you and everything that you have been through. I hope you are able to grieve properly, and start the process of healing. I understand that in itself that is complicated, obviously there is hurt going so deep for so long, that you may always carry the wound.

    I had bad feelings towards Mark before, that’s nothing compared to now. I understand the significance of 28 days, and I realise what has happened.

    I am so sorry darling girl, so very, very sorry. All my love, for what it’s worth, I send to you now xxx

    Sonia x

    Like

  6. Rivergirl says:

    I’m speechless at the type of cold hearted bastard it would take to text an emoji and say “end of story” to tell someone their father had passed. I also can’t imagine the pain this whole horrible situation has caused you. Please try to remember those good moments you had with your dad and know that you did right by him. His struggles are at an end and has found peace. I hope with all my heart you can as well… someday. We’re here if you need to vent.
    (Or if you need a cyber army to wage war…. just sayin’. )
    *Many, many hugs*
    ❣️

    Liked by 1 person

  7. hethrgood says:

    I am so sorry. Take time to grieve. Sending you virtual hugs.

    In the future, I hope we all get to hear how karma comes around for those two…and I hope it’s spectacularly appropriate.

    Like

  8. Bex says:

    Fuck Mark. Poor Brindle Girl. She will be greatly missed. Hope Hamilton is snuggling you extra hard and husband is keeping what little hopes up he can-I hear it can be good to balance the good with the bad. I’m so sorry Chase.

    Like

  9. Ann says:

    So very sorry for your losses.

    Like

  10. I am so sorry for your losses. It sounds just unnecessarily cruel that it would all come at once, I cannot fathom what you are going through right now. I can’t pretend that I understand the “big picture,” but from what I know of you, thankfully you have a support system filled with love. I hope karma comes to those who harm you and yours intentionally and it comes not quietly but blaring and obviously so, because I am just that sort of person. Be safe in your travels and always take time for self care, you’re worth it!

    Like

  11. Sherry Bucalo says:

    When I was around 7, my grandma died( with help from her Dr.) and my mom made sure I wasn’t there. I was pissed. When my dad was dying of cancer, I made it very clear I wanted to be there. I wasn’t and that really pissed me off. So yeah I do know. Please be careful when the rage hits, it’s dammed hard not to strangle someone at that point. Take care and get a hold of a good attorney

    Like

  12. Arionis says:

    Really? In a text like that? What a fucking Jizz Waffle! I am so sorry to hear of the passing of your father which would have been hard enough in normal circumstances. To have have his own brother make it even worse is unforgivable. I’m also sad you had to say good bye to your Brindle Girl. I don’t think you need to apologize at all for venting on your blog. I think it’s therapeutic and we are all here to listen.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I am really sorry that your Dad died and that his brother treated you so poorly. Remember and remember that your Dad called you Munchkin at the last. I am sorry, too, that your dog died. Terrible times for you. I am your fan.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. wds2020 says:

    All of this is shit cake.

    I reckon, one redemption is, we know as grown ups, it wont stay bad forever.

    Meanwhile here we are right in the middle of a pile of doodoo. My heart hurts. Not the clogged up artery one. The one that feels the pain of a fellow traveller.

    Like

  15. Cat says:

    Oh dear god. I am so, so, so sorry. Much love to you and your chosen family from an internet stranger who’s been following your blog for a long while now. We can’t choose the families we’re born into, but those we choose to belong to are where it’s at. Peace and light and hugs for as long as you need them. Xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Chase, I am so sorry. I know that doesnt help. Just know we will be here whenever your ready doll. Happy, sad, good, bad, let it out…. Be safe.💖

    Like

  17. Christina says:

    Chase, I can only echo those who came before me and say how very sorry I am for all your losses. You’ve been through hell and it just hasn’t stopped.

    Write whatever you damn well please, it’s your blog. We’ll read it regardless. And if it involves voodoo dolls of Mark and Kenny, so much the better!

    Like

  18. skohio says:

    Yes, write whatever it is you need to write to help your heart right now.

    I’m SO sorry about Brindle Girl – you gave her the right passing, the absolutely most gut-wrenching, heartbreaking, and utterly devastating passing but it was the right one, the fair one, and the most loving one. I am so so so sorry.

    I’m sorry you didn’t get loving closure with your father. You did EVERYTHING and beyond for him, maybe he just couldn’t grasp that someone could love him so.

    I fucking hate Mark.

    Like

  19. Wishing you strength as you go forward.

    Like

  20. beffypoo1 says:

    I am so sorry you are going through this shitstorm. Take care of yourself. That is what is important right now ❤

    Like

  21. emmaclaire says:

    What a ridiculous excuse for a human being – may Mark be infested with the lice of a thousand camels. And Kenny as well, for not having the cajones to stand up and do the right thing when he had the chance. You have my condolences for the passing of your father, and especially your beloved pooch. Although the pain of letting her go must be awful, at least the love and memories are clean and happy and unencumbered by any familial douchebaggery. Write when you’re able and take care of you and your guys. ❤

    Like

  22. Me says:

    I wish I could say something useful and comforting but all I’ve got is At least he can’t die on you again.
    That and I hope Mark gets what he deserves.

    Like

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