He’s Not Dead… Yet


I’ve finally gotten used to the noise of the CPAP.



Mostly.  I mean, I still have some trouble falling asleep if we go to bed at the same time but that’s honestly a me issue and it’s less with the CPAP than it was with the snoring.  But the CPAP is officially part of the nocturnal soundscape now.


To such a degree that when our power went out one night (constant flooding: it sucks!) I noticed and was awakened by the sudden silence—not of the usual household hum, but of the CPAP.



ME:  (bolts upright, smacks Husband)
ME:  (huffs, relieved)  Othankgod.  I thought you were dead.
HIM:  So you hit me?!
ME:  Well…
HIM:  Good to know that’s how you’d handle it.
ME:  … Why’s your CPAP off?
HIM:  Did you hit it?



Yes, that little box has bought me two years of (relative) peace from the godawful snoring at a relatively low cost, all things considered.


Of course, the sort of asshole who falls asleep in ninety fucking seconds will also find a way to ruin a good thing.

Spongebob Squarepants timecard: 12:00 Midnight


HIM:  Snghrlghhhfghheh
ME:  (tapping)  Honey?
HIM:  (breathes normally)
ME:  (goes back to reading)
HIM:  Heghkkkkighghk
ME:  Honey.
HIM:  Ngh?
ME:  You’re snoring.
HIM:  Wugh?
ME:  You’re snoring over the CPAP.
HIM:  … Are you sure it’s me?
ME:  ?!?!


vintage red leather journal, labeled Murder Diary

Time to dust this off…





9 comments on “He’s Not Dead… Yet

  1. Rivergirl says:

    We must be married to twins. My husband snores and can fall asleep in 90 seconds as well. Often while I’m talking to him…. and I’m not boring so it can’t be that. He’d never go for that machine though.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Jack Herlocker says:

    My wife says I don’t snore. Much.

    My first wife had an easy way to stop my snoring: she would smack me in the head with her elbow. It was effective, in that I would wake up with my heart racing if I heard myself snoring. On nights where I couldn’t stop the snoring&waking cycle, I would sleep on the couch.

    NOT the reason we got divorced, btw.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Arionis says:

    We are a double CPAP family here. His and Hers. CPAP noise in stereo.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. emmaclaire says:

    One of just a handful of reasons it’s good to be hard-of-hearing – hubby’s machine (nicknamed Jacques for Mr. Cousteau…) bothers me not at all. But he is my power-outage alarm for sure, because he will sit bolt-upright as soon as that full suffocating feeling hits him, poor guy.

    Liked by 2 people

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