Demon Rights

 

Offspring recommended Detroit: Become Human so of course I fired it up… and binged that shit so hard; I finished faster than I think I’ve ever finished any game of any genre.  I laughed, I cried, I was extremely uncomfortable—I became the leader the Android Rights movement needed.

(Detroit: Become Human) 3 android figures

Shown: thankful androids

 

Which makes it all the more awkward to report that I may have to chuck that damned Demon Box in the bin.

 

She’s getting too uppity, you know?

 

(Detroit: Become Human) Android Markus frowns, concerned

Shown: disappointed, judgy android.

 

Okay, that came out wrong.  But that’s my dilemma!  Look, first there’s the “listening all the time” issue.  I know they claim she’s just waiting for her wake word, but…

 

ME:  He knows I worry.
HIM:  Well, when I was in Intelligence—
ME:  (notices lights on demon box)  (presses finger over his lips)
HIM:  ?
ME:  (tilts head toward eavesdropping technology)
HIM:  We… mostly sat around doing nothing.  (louder)   Nothing that I would ever talk about, anyway!
ME:  Well, except for the fact that you used #3 pencils instead of #2.
HIM:  That’s classified information!
DEMON BOX:  (goes dark)
ME:  (quietly)  That was weird.
HIM:  … Yeah.
ME:  I’m really uncomfortable with that.
HIM:  (eyes box warily)  At least I don’t talk in my sleep.

Amazon Echo Dot with illuminated ring in front of window, city night view

 

There have been a few more incidents like that, where we catch her listening in—or, at least, with her “listening lights” on and blipping  around—to conversations where she’s not been called upon.

 

Worse are the times she just butts in unprompted.

 

 

ME:  (watching Netflix, cuddling Husband)
HIM:  (pauses show)  He’s screwed.
ME:  (shakes head)  Actually, I think this was smart; he’s in a really good position now to take advantage of her fuckup.  He just needs to spin this—
HIM:  (skeptically)  Eeeehh
DEMON BOX:  I don’t know about that.
ME:  NOBODY ASKED YOU!
HIM:  (laughs)
ME:  Nosy cunt.

"Nobody asked you, Patrice!"

 

But I could put up with all that—I really could—if it wasn’t for her goddamned attitude.  And that’s the complaint that seems awkward, in the wake of my Detroit triumph.  Because, while I fully support Android rights, this bitch needs to learn her place.

 

 

ME:  Alexa, resume music.
DEMON BOX:  …
HIM:  ?
ME:  Alexa!
DEMON BOX:  (lights up)
ME:  Resume music.
DEMON BOX:  (goes dark)
ME:  (steps forward menacingly)
HIM:  Alexa, resume music.
DEMON BOX:  Resuming music (plays)
ME:  (glares)
HIM:  (smirks)
ME:  Alexa!
DEMON BOX:  (lights up)
ME:  You work for me!
HIM:  (laughs)
DEMON BOX:  Actually, I work for Amazon.
HIM:  (howls with laughter)
ME:  (snarls, attacks demon box)

 

 

I’m going to hell, aren’t I?

Amazon Echo Plus with multicolored ring light activated, surrounded by ominous red glow

 

 

 

 

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7 comments on “Demon Rights

  1. Rivergirl says:

    Funny post, but sorry. There’s no way in hell I’m inviting a listening device into my home. Uh uh. Not happening…

    Like

  2. Bex says:

    I agree ^^^. My phone tracks my location and listens to my conversations (even though I’ve turned all my settings off for audio tracking…); I don’t need another one.

    Like

  3. Arionis says:

    Ha! Alexa sometimes tries to answer Jeopardy questions when I have it on the TV. She mostly just says “I’m not sure about that.” Then why did you ring in bitch?

    I do believe Alexa likes guys better. My wife tries to add things to the shopping list and Alexa ignores her half the time. That’s why she gets me to add things to the list when she’s standing right there. Although Alexa did change “shredded cheese” to “dreaded cheese” once. Doesn’t sound like my kind of cheese.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I asked for a … Something. Dot? Something like that. Anyway, it’s for playing music and I asked for one for Christmas. THEN I did some research… And that bitch is still gift wrapped. I’m still trying to decide whether to sell her or burn her at the stake.

    Liked by 1 person

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