Ooh, it’s been a minute since I did one of these, hasn’t it?
Look, it’s not that I haven’t been to films, or that they haven’t been worth our time… it’s more that there’s a recent trend to give away less of the actual film in the trailer. More, “here’s your premise, are you interested?” and less, “here’s a showcase of scenes you can expect that basically serve as an outline for the whole damned plot—wouldn’t want you to accuse us of a twist or anything, haha!” In the former case, I hate to bring spoilers in the form of even Deleted Scenes.
Ready or Not is another animal entirely. Poor misunderstood film… I’ve seen reviewers calling it a horror and—as a paid ambassador of the horror industry—I’m disappointed in their spatter-based assumption. This was clearly a Gory Comedy, fraternal twin and kindred spirit to the Dark Comedy (which produced such lovable favorites as War of the Roses and Burn After Reading.)
If you’re the sort of person who has to leave the room when your favorite character gets stitches in any other film, I give you leave to skip this one.
If, on the other hand, you’re the sort of person who is intrigued when I say you will laugh your ass off every time someone dies? Stop what you’re doing immediately and go see Ready or Not.
Then come back and check out these excellent Deleted Scenes which, sadly, didn’t quite make the… cut.
I’ll see myself out.
BRIDE: So your family made their fortune in board games.
GROOM: Yep. And they’re all… really into the family business.
BRIDE: Board games.
GROOM: So that’s why we have to sit down and play a game tonight.
BRIDE: With your family.
BRIDE: On our wedding night.
BRIDE: Instead of having literally all the sex.
GROOM: … Yes?
BRIDE: I need to check our prenup.
GROOM: Oh come on! It’ll be fun!
BRIDE: More fun than sex?!
MOTHER IN-LAW: I want you to know, dear, I really do like you. I think you’ll be a wonderful addition to our family.
BRIDE: Oh, thank you!
FATHER IN-LAW: And I want you to know you’re not good enough for our son and no one will miss you one bit.
GROOM: He’s joking—Dad’s a kidder!
AUNT CREEPY: (suddenly) It is time!
ALL: (jump, startled)
MIL: Old bat.
BRIDE: Okay, is it just me or is she—
GROOM: Clearly possessed? Yeah, we’re pretty sure she’s not even human anymore.
FIL: But she’s family (pats Groom on the back) And that’s aaaallll that matters.
BRIDE: So, what are we playing? (looks around table) Poker?
GROOM: (quietly, to Bride) No, we only play games the family invented.
COKED-UP COUSIN: (giggles)
GOLD DIGGER: (rolls eyes)
BROTHER: The, uh, cards are for you. You draw one and it tells us what game we’re going to play.
AUNT CREEPY: (ominously) The cards choose our fate.
BRIDE: Oh… kay…
GROOM: (to Bride) It’s fine, honey. Just… choose a card.
BRIDE: (shrugs) (turns over top card on deck)
FAMILY: (lean forward)
BRIDE: Hide and Seek? (looks around) You didn’t invent that.
COKED-UP COUSIN: (giggles)
SLUTTY COUSIN: (grins)
GROOM: I don’t think—
AUNT CREEPY: (fatalistically) She chose the card.
BRIDE: What’s wrong with Hide and Seek? Which—again—your family didn’t invent.
COKED-UP COUSIN: Oh, in this one we hunt you!
BROTHER: (to Coked-up Cousin) Quiet! She’s not supposed to find out yet!
BRIDE: WHAT?! (turns on Groom)
GROOM: (shrugs) Rules are rules, honey. And, when you think about it, it’s kind of your own fault.
BRIDE: HOW IS THIS MY FAULT?
GROOM: I said kind of!
FIL: Who draws the top card?
IDIOT COUSIN: Even I cut from the middle. They made me play chess. (shudders)
BRIDE: YOU DIDN’T INVENT THAT EITHER!
IDIOT COUSIN: I can’t believe I got stuck with this medieval bullshit (waves crossbow) while you guys get cool weapons!
COKED-UP COUSIN: Oh my god! I just had the best idea! After—I mean, after we kill the Bride and whatever—we should totally go out and get better weapons for the next time!
IDIOT COUSIN: Wait, next time?
SLUTTY COUSIN: What makes you think there’s even going to be a next time?
COKED-UP COUSIN: Well, I mean, he’s got to get married again, right? Or maybe you will!
IDIOT COUSIN: Nobody ever pulls that card. Aunt Creepy obviously stacked the deck.
COKED-UP COUSIN: Oh! Oooh! Maybe she will again! Maybe we can ask her to do it again! Maybe—oh my god we should go dancing!
SLUTTY COUSIN: (sighs) I’m gonna go find that butler. He keeps hiding from me, the weirdo.
IDIOT COUSIN: But… how will you get in on the kill?
SLUTTY COUSIN: (over her shoulder) Text me if you find her!
COKED-UP COUSIN: THERE SHE IS! (fires)
FAMILY: (comes running)
FIL: Oh, for fuck’s sake!
COKED-UP COUSIN: Oh-my-god-I-just-saw-her-and-I-was-like-there-she-is-and-boom-I-shot-her-do-I-win-are-you-proud-of-me-did-I—
BROTHER: Hey, Cuz? Did you ever notice how our maids don’t wear GIANT WHITE WEDDING DRESSES?
AUNT CREEPY: (portentously) The spirits will be displeased.
COKED-UP COUSIN: (looks down at dead Maid) Oh noooooo!
MIL: Who gave her the gun, anyway? It’s too—
IDIOT COUSIN: I’ve got it! (swaps gun for crossbow) Here, sweetie; this is more your speed.
COKED-UP COUSIN: I’m so sorry, I won’t fuck up again, I swear, I—
SLUTTY COUSIN: (screams)
BROTHER: What the actual fuck, Cuz?
MIL: (looks down at dying Slut) I never liked her anyway.
FIL: You know what would be great? If we could actually kill a goddamned BRIDE tonight instead of maids and cousins!
BRIDE: I can’t believe you didn’t tell me your family were a bunch of demon-worshipping psychopaths!
GROOM: Shhh! Keep your voice down or they’ll find us. And they don’t actually worship—
FAMILY: (chanting) Hail Satan! Hail Satan! Hail Satan!
BRIDE: (raises eyebrow)
GROOM: You know, he’s really misunderstood.
BRIDE: Oh, for fuck’s— (starts beating Groom)
GROOM: Ow! Hey! Shhhh! Do you want them to hear us?
BRIDE: (hisses) Yes! Maybe they’ll take you and leave me alone!
GROOM: That’s not how this works! I’ve already been through the house while I was looking for you—they’ve shot two maids, my slutty cousin, and a mounted deer head and they’re still after you.
GROOM: Because that’s the game. If you survive the night you’re officially part of the family; if not… (shrugs)
BRIDE: (mocks shrug) That’s it? Just… (shrugs)? What the hell is wrong with—
GROOM: (urgently) Shhhhh! I hear something!
GROOM: (listens) (peeks through keyhole)
COKED-UP COUSIN: (runs past, screaming)
GROOM: (leans back, sighs) It’s just my cousin. She probably got an urgent text from her dealer.
COKED-UP COUSIN: (runs past locked closet, screaming) AAAAIIIIIIEEEEE! (slashes, jabs, stabs with sword)
IDIOT COUSIN: (follows, panting) OH, SHIT!
FAMILY: (comes running)
FIL: Dammit! Okay, Pumpkin… maybe the sword wasn’t a good idea either.
BROTHER: At least her aim is solid, eh Dad?
LOYAL SERVANT: (sighs) Shall I put it with the deer, sir?
COKED-UP COUSIN: (peers around, confused) Did I not…?
FIL: I remember when I shot that bear… All right. (booming voice) FAMILY MEETING!
ALL: (gather close)
FIL: Now let’s—hang on. (pulls sword from stuffed bear, passes it to Brother)
COKED-UP COUSIN: (pouts)
FIL: Now. I think we need to reassess. We have… (checks watch) … just about two hours until dawn. That’s two hours to find the bride, incapacitate her, kill her in a ritualistic fashion, consume her blood and—if we have time for family traditions in this fast-paced world—her flesh.
IDIOT COUSIN: (raises hand)
FIL: (wearily) Yes.
IDIOT COUSIN: That’s always my least favorite part. I could skip it, actually.
BROTHER: It’s everyone’s least favorite part.
MIL: It’s tradition. And someday you’ll understand that tradition is more important than personal taste or preference.
FIL: Right. So to get back on track what we need—what we absolutely must have in order to succeed as a family unit—is for everyone to GET. THEIR SHIT. TOGETHER.
IDIOT COUSIN: (flinches)
COKED-UP COUSIN: (starts weeping)
MIL: Very well said, darling. And I think—
FIL: And, for the love of all that is unholy, CAN WE PLEASE STOP KILLING EACH OTHER AND THE FURNITURE?
COKED-UP COUSIN: (wails)
BROTHER: (puts reassuring arm around her shoulder) There there, Cuz. I’m sure he didn’t mean you.
COKED-UP COUSIN: (sniffs) (looks around) You think?
AUNT CREEPY: (eerily silent)
 Which, for the record, I want to encourage!
 See also: Death Becomes her, Heathers, Serial Mom, Inglorious Basterds, Little Evil…