Sleeping with Stupid

 

I’m home alone, and really dealing with it surprisingly well, all things considered.

 

I mean, I may have hit the craft store a little hard but in my defense THEY EMAIL ME COUPONS.  What am I supposed to do, not take advantage of a super-awesome limited-time sales event?

 

Pshh.

 

 

I’m still getting less sleep than I should, but it’s not the usual “can’t sleep without my man” stuff; having a Big Good Boy and a tiny lion and a vaguely cat-shaped slug hybrid pile onto my bed and fight over 95% of it every night solved the “loneliness” issue.

Large greyhound, miniature lion, and some sort of smallish cattish animal hog king size bed

I am, apparently, meant to curl up in the middle.

 

But.  Between Husband’s morning and evening updates (12.5 hours ahead of me) and Offspring’s regular reports to let me know he’s safely back in his room[1] from either his 12-hour work shift or the gym, or the morning call/text to assure me that he survived the night shelling (yep, almost every night.  And I’m not saying I panic if I don’t hear from him, but I’m low-grade tense all day because he’s in a dangerous situation and I have every right to be so shut up) and will soon head off for another ridiculously long day, I’m not spending an awful lot of time in bed.

 

And when I am actually in my bed, trying to sleep?

 

Husband’s Stupid Cat is right there, ruining everything.

 

 

ME:  (answering phone)  Mhlloh?
HIM:  Hey.  You sound… did I wake you?
ME:  No.  Your “cat” did.
HIM:  I’m sorry.
ME:  She parked herself directly above my face and did that thing where she licks the air.[2]
HIM:  I’m sorry.
ME:  She’s just… she’s the worst.
HIM:  Is she making it hard for you to sleep?
ME:  It would be better if she wasn’t, you know, the worst at cuddling.
HIM:  Really?  She’s usually a pretty good cuddler.  With me, I mean.
ME:  She keeps trying to do it on my face.
HIM:  Oh.  Yeah.
ME:  And she doesn’t understand that when I say “no, stop, I don’t like that” I mean… NO.  STOP.  DON’T DO THAT ANYMORE, EVER.
HIM:  Right.  When she cuddles at your face, she wants you to lift the covers so she can get Under.
ME:  (willing to try anything)  Oh?  (calls “cat”)  Lemme try.  (lifts covers)
HIM:  Now, you can’t lift them too far—if she doesn’t have to duck her head to see under, she won’t go.
ME:  You’re—
HIM:  She’s very particular.
ME:  Jesus.  (lowers covers a fraction)
HIM:  But you hold them like that—
ME:  Yeah, she’s not going in.
HIM:  Sometimes it takes a while.
ME:  This isn’t working.
HIM:  … Sometimes I have to… you know… scruff and stuff.
ME:  (eyes hairball maker)
HIM:  But once she’s under there—
ME:  (stuffs idiot under covers)
HIM:  —she just cuddles and goes right to sleep.
ME:  Nope, she’s escaping.  And now she’s looking at me like I’m the stupid one.
HIM:  (sighs)  I’ll be home soon.
ME:  Hurry!  (sobs)  I’m so tired…

 

 

He’ll be home soon, thank goodness.  And hopefully with a souvenir!

 

I asked him to bring me something he could only get in Taiwan.

 

 

HIM:  That’s not… I don’t think that exists.
ME:  Fine.  Bring me something I could only get in Taiwan or off the internet.
HIM:  That I can—
ME:  Which would probably get it from Taiwan anyway.
HIM:  Exactly.  That I can do.
ME:  So what did you do tonight?
HIM:  (sighs)  Dinner with (team) again.
ME:  Oh?
HIM:  Dave wanted to go to TGI Friday.
ME:  Are you fucking kidding me?  You didn’t.  Tell me you didn’t.
HIM:  He’s been wanting to go all week—
ME:  WHY?!
HIM:  … So we finally agreed.
ME:  I’m so disappointed in you.
HIM:  I know.
ME:  You need to take me on one of these trips, swear to God… y’all are too boring.
HIM:  It’s not my fault!

 

 

This happened when he went to Puerto Rico too—he and a bunch of engineers were there for over a week and the others were too scared to leave the resort so they never ate anywhere but the hotel restaurants.  Husband had been all excited to try some local flavor and they were like, “Nah… we heard it gets pretty wild out there.”

Stephen Colbert hosting the Late Show puts up his hands and says, "Welcome to the Nerd Zone, my friend"

 

Honestly, sending me along with should be viewed as part of their benefits—you know, morale and all that.  They’re going to bore themselves to death without my influence!

 

The only time I knew I didn’t have to worry was when he was in Poland with EvilCorp; they had, for once, a rare female engineer with them—his boss.  Girl managed to drag them out on the town and lit herself on fire doing flaming shots.  Plus they met all their goals and made a great integration plan or whatever they were doing.[3]

 

Now, I’m not saying all female engineers are better at their jobs and more fun than all male engineers.

 

I’m just saying that she wouldn’t have dragged them to goddamned TGI-Taipei.

 

 

 

 

 

[1] “It’s really more a storage container that I share with another guy. His wife is pregnant and he’s got a noisy cat; he calls them on speaker.” ~Offspring

[2] I keep meaning to get video for y’all, to see if someone can explain this. It’s hands-down the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen an animal do.

[3] Full disclosure, I only half-listened. I was a little disappointed that he didn’t get video of his boss lighting herself on fire. It’s like he doesn’t want to be promoted, you know?

15 comments on “Sleeping with Stupid

  1. Rivergirl says:

    First off, I’m glad to see the title didn’t refer to your husband. But TGI Taiwan? Why on God’s green earth would there even be one…

    Liked by 2 people

    • I could understand if they’d stuck with original travel plans and stopped in HK, and he’d dragged them to the super-fancy McDonalds. Or something similar—there are international chains doing amazing things in Asia. But this was just a Basic TGIF experience. Only, you know, in Taipei.

      I DON’T KNOW WHY.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. “It gets pretty wild out there”? Seriously??? I mean … Isn’t that the whole POINT????

    Re the air licking cat, maybe she’s “tasting” your breath. Seriously, it’s a thing. My Magic Malinois thinks I have the best morning breath in the whole world.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’d get that if she did it in front of my face, but that was the first time she’d ever done it anywhere near a human; usually I’ll walk into the room and find her doing it. It’s like she’s trying to lick the ceiling… or groom an invisible, tallish, ghostly friend…

      Like

      • That’s funny! Still, I was curious and googled “cat licks air” and saw a reference to feline hyperesthesia syndrome. I didn’t feel like going any further down that rabbit hole but you might choose to. Or maybe she has something irritating her tongue or the back of her throat. I wouldn’t panic but I’d probably check it out.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Allison says:

    I went to Germany for work once. They took me to a Chinese place for dinner the first night, then wanted to take me for Italian the second night. ITALIAN. In GERMANY. I claimed I was sick and went out by myself for bratwurst and beer. It was AWESOME.

    You have very considerate animals, leaving you such a big space to curl up. My cats would sprawl out much more to try and make me take the floor.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. hethrgood says:

    My hubs travels nearly every week—also an engineer. Luckily, he actually has great taste in food and will regularly bail out of boring dinner choices to eat the local fare Yelp reviewers highly recommend solo.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My husband is the one who loves to eat local, but the people who go with him on business trips are more likely to find the closest McDonald’s.

    Cats… we have two. The younger one is part mole, we think. She burrows under the covers and travels all over the bed that way. She’s not a great sleeping partner.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Also, with apologies for cluttering up your comments section, something just popped up in my news feed that I feel compelled to share. It references a book that I am convinced you need to own. https://amp.theatlantic.com/amp/article/597307/

    Liked by 1 person

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