How Do YOU Ikea?


One of the best things about living where we do is the convenience: literally anything we want is available in this city, somewhere, and most of it can be found at more or less any time and any day of the week.  This creates an embarrassment of riches that finally gives me a way to make my naturally skinny—but less geographically gifted—friends jealous.

(The Simpsons) Mr Burns tapping his fingertips together, grins evilly and says, "Excellent!"



AL:  Ugh, I gotta get out to the mall sometime this weekend… that’s a whole thing.
ME:  …
AL:  I know, I’m so boring, but—
ME:  Umm… can’t relate.  Sorry, I live in a city with like, five major malls and a bunch of smaller ones.  Plus outlets and things.  So… yeah.
AL:  … Bitch.
ME:  (casually)  I’m like ten minutes from Ikea.  We pop in sometimes just to look around and maybe grab a—
AL:  NOBODY JUST POPS IN TO IKEA!  It’s like four days journey to get to an Ikea!  You have to plan that shit, budget for it, pack provisions—it’s an event!
ME:  … We do.  We actually just went the other day, and ended up getting a plant[1] and—
AL:  I really hate you right now.
ME:  Aww… You know, you could always move out here if you get sick of the ass end of nowhere.
AL:  I might, goddamn.



I don’t know how you Ikea

Woman, surrounded by cardboard and bubble wrap, says "let's call it the Ikea Effect"



but Husband and I are kind of awesome at it.   We always come away with a new idea, and something new on our shopping list.[2]


And at least one new Conversation.



ME:  So skip over this way?
HIM:  Unlessyou want to go back (points) to look at kitchen design—
ME:  (shakes head)  Nope.  No need.  Plus, we should get me away from the smol people section before I get pregnant.  (hurries down stairs)
HIM:  (following)  That’s… that’s not how it happens.
ME:  Ehh…
HIM:  I can show you, if you want—
ME:  I think it is.
HIM:  I’m really sure it isn’t.
ME:  And I’m really sure you just don’t know how things work.
HIM:  (stares)
ME:  (nods)




ikea kids section, full of tiny furniture in bright colors


People who go to that section leave the store with a kid; I skip to kitchen gadgets and come away with another drawer organizer.  That’s just science.





[1] Yes, you read that right… there’s a new plant in my life. His name is Monty, because he’s a Sansevieria, also known as snake plant or viper’s bowstring, which is the most badass name ever given to a houseplant and I kind of love him for it.

[2] Never impulse buy at Ikea. Except for plants and things you can stuff in your bag when your partner isn’t looking—that stuff doesn’t count.

16 comments on “How Do YOU Ikea?

  1. Rivergirl says:

    I’m going to blow your mind and tell you I’ve never been to IKEA….. in my entire life. I believe the nearest one is 3 states away and I just don’t have that kind of commitment to big box store shopping.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Bex says:

    I’ve never been to IKEA so the hype kind of scares me.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Arionis says:

    My wife loves IKEA. When we lived in California, we had to drive two hours to get to one. When we moved to Virginia we had to drive three hours to get to one. Two years ago they built one 10 minutes away. I haven’t been to that one once. My wife has though!

    Did you see where groups of people were organizing big games of hide and seek in IKEA’s? At first the company allowed it but I guess it started getting out of hand and they shut them down.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Sherry bucalo says:

    So your new plant is one I had and didn’t kill, actually the only one. HAd it at an office I worked at and everyone threw leftover coffee on it because they knew I never remembered to water it. Thing grew like crazy. I think it liked the lights there too. I left it and it’s been over 25 yrs and it’s still alive, a friend sends me a pic once a year LOL

    Liked by 2 people

  5. faillingson says:

    A plant named Monty… as in Python?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Apparently there’s an IKEA in Seattle, but although I get to Seattle periodically I’ve never made it all the way over to IKEA. Although I DO have a sort of bathroom cabinet thingy that my sister gave me when she left the USA, and that comes from IKEA. Does that count? Probably not, since it’s been sitting on our veranda for the past six months waiting for me to list it online for sale. I’m such a loser in the what-it-means-to-be-a-modern-human game… And I don’t even CARE. That’s the worst kind of loser.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Have you checked on that cabinet thing recently? Because I’ve lived in the pacific northwest and nothing left outside for six months was ever allowed back in. Hell, Offspring once left a pair of shoes out over a long weekend (“they were wet, and I wanted to dry them out!” was his excuse… Cue a roomful of disgusted adults shouting, “Outside is not where we dry things here!”) and they were growing moss in the seams when he tried to put them on for school.

      Also, check out the Ikea. Be cool like me. They have a lamp that looks like an exploded Death Star!


      • We’re on the east side. It’s DRY here! No problem drying shoes outside. Apart from a little bird poop from my little swallow family – which is totally not gross and anyway easy to clean – it’s fine.

        As for IKEA … Look, I rescue dogs. I have five of my own and an endless stream of furry visitors. Plus farm, dust, husband who insists on wearing boots inside … I gave up being cool a long, long time ago.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I like IKEA. It’s always a bit of an event (mine isn’t aaaaaages away, but it’s not close either, and since it takes a fair bit of energy to walk the whole way through I have to take into account my chronic illness forecast for the day and so forth), but I get excited about it whenever we go.

    Liked by 1 person

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