One of the best things about living where we do is the convenience: literally anything we want is available in this city, somewhere, and most of it can be found at more or less any time and any day of the week. This creates an embarrassment of riches that finally gives me a way to make my naturally skinny—but less geographically gifted—friends jealous.
AL: Ugh, I gotta get out to the mall sometime this weekend… that’s a whole thing.
AL: I know, I’m so boring, but—
ME: Umm… can’t relate. Sorry, I live in a city with like, five major malls and a bunch of smaller ones. Plus outlets and things. So… yeah.
AL: … Bitch.
ME: (casually) I’m like ten minutes from Ikea. We pop in sometimes just to look around and maybe grab a—
AL: NOBODY JUST POPS IN TO IKEA! It’s like four days journey to get to an Ikea! You have to plan that shit, budget for it, pack provisions—it’s an event!
ME: … We do. We actually just went the other day, and ended up getting a plant and—
AL: I really hate you right now.
ME: Aww… You know, you could always move out here if you get sick of the ass end of nowhere.
AL: I might, goddamn.
I don’t know how you Ikea
but Husband and I are kind of awesome at it. We always come away with a new idea, and something new on our shopping list.
And at least one new Conversation.
ME: So skip over this way?
HIM: Unlessyou want to go back (points) to look at kitchen design—
ME: (shakes head) Nope. No need. Plus, we should get me away from the smol people section before I get pregnant. (hurries down stairs)
HIM: (following) That’s… that’s not how it happens.
HIM: I can show you, if you want—
ME: I think it is.
HIM: I’m really sure it isn’t.
ME: And I’m really sure you just don’t know how things work.
People who go to that section leave the store with a kid; I skip to kitchen gadgets and come away with another drawer organizer. That’s just science.
 Yes, you read that right… there’s a new plant in my life. His name is Monty, because he’s a Sansevieria, also known as snake plant or viper’s bowstring, which is the most badass name ever given to a houseplant and I kind of love him for it.
 Never impulse buy at Ikea. Except for plants and things you can stuff in your bag when your partner isn’t looking—that stuff doesn’t count.