My haunt is officially open, which means Spooky Season is in full swing.
This means I’m tired and sore and dirty more or less constantly, but once I get to work I start bouncing around like a ferret on pixie stix because I have the best freakin’ job in the entire world and you will never convince me otherwise.
ME: (pops out of hiding spot) FLE—oh, it’s you.
MUMMY: (startled) Ooh, damn girl, you got me!
ME: (beaming) Thanks!
MUMMY: Hey, Wandering Scarecrow is right behind me—I’ma hide back here with you, watch you scare the piss outta him.
WANDERING SCARECROW: Isn’t someone supposed to work right about—
ME: (jumps out at Wandering Scarecrow) YOU’RE RUINING EVERYTHING! WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?!
WANDERING SCARECROW: (startled) Woah.
WANDERING SCARECROW: Uhhh… that’s not your usual line, is it?
ME: No! Usually they’re still freaked by (puppet) when they come around that corner (points) so I come out and drop them here (gestures). Then that’s where they wet themselves— (points)
WANDERING SCARECROW: (leans in to peer warily at the indicated patch of floor)
ME: —and I reset for the next group. (considers) Sometimes I have to come back out to get them moving again, but I just do a little dance-and-chant like I’m about to sacrifice them to the demons of—
WANDERING SCARECROW: (high-fives) Awesome. I love everything I just heard.
I’m keeping pretty feline hours, which leaves me less time to socialize with daywalkers like Husband, but sometimes he’s around after my nap in time to see me getting ready for work—a thing he knows by now to never interfere in—and we still get enough interaction to keep me rolling my eyes.
ME: (painting face, listening to Halloween music)
DEMON BOX: (plays I Want Candy)
HIM: (walks past with fistfuls of peanut m&m’s)
ME: (shakes head, disappointed)
HIM: (doubles back) Hey, I forgot to ask earlier but… (holds out handful of colorful candy-coated goodness) Do you want candy?
HIM: (snickers, pleased with self)
ME: (unimpressed) Yeah, I sort of expected that when you walked past the first time. I was honestly disappointed you missed your opportunity.
HIM: I know… I was distracted!
ME: (rolls eyes)
Now, as we’ve discussed here before, Husband doesn’t care for haunted houses or other Halloween activities. But because he’s an excellent husband, he’ll still sit still while I tell stories from haunting. And sometimes he even appreciates. Which is good because that’s basically all I want to talk about right now.
HIM: How was haunting?
ME: I got to watch a guy wet himself.
HIM: That’s… um… nice?
ME: It really is.
HIM: For you, not for him.
ME: Well, he shoulda gone before he came in. We have toilets.
ME: Still, it’s not often I get to watch it happen. Usually they’re crumpled up or running away while they do it. But no, he just stood there and pissed and I was (gestures) you know, eye-level with his crotch at the time and—
HIM: (grimacing) Yeah.
ME: (enthused) And his friends were all, did you just piss yourself?! And he’s running away yelling No, it just startled me is all! But… you know… they don’t make mood pants.
HIM: (clearly sorry he asked about my night) Yeah.
 Is anyone even remotely interested in this or other playlists? Because I think there’s a way for me to share them, but I won’t bother if y’all can find your own soundtracks.
 Because he’s boring.