While my weird hours leave me almost no time for Husband, they do make it much more convenient for me to chat with Offspring; I’m not staying up for him anymore, if anything he’s staying up for me.
And I’m sure you won’t be surprised which one is currently experiencing overwhelming job dissatisfaction.
PHONE: (blares Offspring’s ringtone)
OFFSPRING: Hey. How goes.
ME: We’re fine. You?
OFFSPRING: This is some bullshit.
A. HAM: (enters, hops up)
OFFSPRING: People all day bitching about how their email is running slow. First off, I’M NOT THE GODDAMNED HELP DESK. We have a dedicated number for your bullshit problems. Second, have you noticed we’re in the middle of a fucking desert?
ME: “Oh, your internet is slow? Go look out that window.”
OFFSPRING: “See all that that gritty stuff? We call it saaaaaand. See those big mountainy looking things?”
ME: “Note the lack of what we’d call infrastructure, civilization, or anything that doesn’t explode.”
OFFSPRING: And these bitches are whining because they can’t watch YouTube videos.
A. HAM: (purrs into phone, licking it)
OFFSPRING: Hi Ham.
ME: (giggling) He comes running when he hears your ringtone now.
OFFSPRING: He really is the best cat.
ME: Right? Wait… you really can’t watch YouTube?
OFFSPRING: Well… I can.
ME: Oh, good.
On nights I’m haunting, I usually call him as I’m driving home. This helps keep me awake while allowing me to wind down and connect with my son by hearing about his shitty, shitty job.
This might sound like a bit of a downer, but it’s hard to feel too bad for him when the things he’s bitching about are either things we all deal with, every day, our whole lives…
OFFSPRING: How do they not understand? I’m the network guy—I keep the network up. If they can’t log into their email or their program is running weird… all of that is support desk shit. NOT ME!
ME: Okay, so here’s a thing you need to understand—and this is a sad universal fact, so internalize it now. To people who know very little about computers, all Computer Stuff is done by Computer People.
OFFSPRING: Right, but you still need the right—
ME: No. All Computer Stuff is done by Computer People. People who sit at computers. (mocks) It’s all just typing.
OFFSPRING: You say that like it’s a joke, but I’ve literally heard—
ME: And you will again. I’ve heard it too.
OFFSPRING: You… don’t even have a tech job.
OFFSPRING: You—I don’t think, anyway—never really have.
OFFSPRING: So… how—
ME: If you sit at a desk in front of a computer and work around anyone who knows very little about them, you will eventually hear this. Data entry, accounting, receptionist, programmer, IT, tech writer… it’s all the same to them.
ME: So, next time they’re asking you to do the impossible—
OFFSPRING: Like increase their bandwidth—
ME: There ya go. Just know that they’re assuming you can literally open a Word document and do that.
OFFSPRING: … I’m going to go stand in front of a rocket now.
ME: Love you!
Or, even better, are just so ridiculous I almost don’t make a note of them because there’s no way you’ll ever believe me.
Seriously, if nothing else I need current and former military readers to back me up here: the following actually occurred and, stupid as it sounds, isn’t even all that surprising.
OFFSPRING: And then the Major calls up. And he’s got his panties in a bunch.
ME: I’m telling you, it’s all the sand.
OFFSPRING: And I had to explain to him that we’d get right on his problem as soon as we sorted the thing for the Colonel, but—because this is Afghanistan and these are the rules—the Colonel’s bullshit issue comes before his bullshit issue.
ME: Meanwhile they’re all bullshit issues.
OFFSPRING: And he says, “Well I don’t know who this Colonel guy is, but I’m pretty sure I outrank him!”
ME: (blinks audibly)
OFFSPRING: … Yeah.
ME: You’re making that up.
OFFSPRING: Am not.
ME: He actually said the words—
OFFSPRING: I don’t know who this Colonel guy is—
ME: A Colonel!
OFFSPRING: —But I’m pretty sure I outrank him.
ME: That… how…
OFFSPRING: Army strong, not Air Force smart.
ME: Please come home.
OFFSPRING: I’m trying!
ME: Just… come home. You’re not safe out there with those idiots.
OFFSPRING: (sighs) Mother…
ME: I’m legit worried.
OFFSPRING: It’s okay. What’s he gonna do? He still doesn’t have internet.