Why are you getting a Thursday post this week? Because if you’re too busy fighting with your racist uncle to Internet today you’ll see it just fine on Friday, and I want to reward those of you who are refusing to engage with family today.
You are the real heroes.
Note for Canadians and other non-US persons: This post is mostly for YOU. Because I know you’re sick of the entire internet being about our gluttonous holiday.
Offspring escapes Afghanistan this week. This means I was forced to go days without hearing from him at all whilst he quickly handed off vital information to the next team and I quietly prepared for the holidays, but it also got me thinking back to when he left.
And then I got to thinking about how many of you will be traveling in the days and weeks to come and how crowded the airports and train stations will be and I was suddenly seized by the urge to relay our exchanges during his last travel experience. Because I promise you, you won’t find a worse flight or a more miserable airport.
ME: On TripAdvisor: “because you recently viewed Bagram: San Antonio, El Paso” … Apparently Texas Is also hostile and shitty and where you go to get shot at.
OFFSPRING: I’m about to find out if napalm really sticks to kids if these little shits don’t stop racing up and down the gate area.
ME: It does.
OFFSPRING: Right. I need to see for myself.
ME: I would never discourage your scientific exploration.
ME: Where are you?
OFFSPRING: DWI. We keep getting delayed.
OFFSPRING: Now they’re playing duck duck goose.
OFFSPRING: Send help.
ME: Have you considered chartering a boat?
ME: Might get you there faster.
OFFSPRING: Yeah, but it’s funny watching the Air Force guys acting all badass.
ME: Be funnier on a sailboat.
OFFSPRING: Also, if I start burning shit and the boat sinks, I’m dead.
ME: So don’t bring the kids.
OFFSPRING: Tempting. But I want to fly. I brought my hammock.
ME: Yeah, I thought it was military flights all the way? Why are you dealing with this commercial bullshit?
OFFSPRING: It’s AMC. Basically a chartered plane.
ME: So how is it delayed?
OFFSPRING: There’s some lightning.
OFFSPRING: It’s close enough that the flight crew can’t be outside.
OFFSPRING: I know, right?
OFFSPRING: Why are they all CHANTING?
ME: The ground crew?
OFFSPRING: The kids.
ME: Children of the Corn.
OFFSPRING: I can only hope…
ME: They’re possessed. Better get that purifying flame ready.
OFFSPRING: Will the previously mentioned napalm do?
ME: Not sure that’s what our Lord intended. You might need a flamethrower.
OFFSPRING: For napalm? That sounds dangerous.
ME: No, just a regular one will do. You know, sometimes Traditional is best.
OFFSPRING: Hey, did this go through?
OFFSPRING: I turned on WiFi calling. Don’t know why I never thought of that.
ME: So you have WiFi?
OFFSPRING: Yeah, I managed to plunder some dirty net, hook it up to my laptop, and blast it to my phone.
ME: I approve of the plundering.
OFFSPRING: It’s one of those skills that’s irreplaceable.
ME: Bet if you dump enough points into the Pillaging skill tree it works out the same.
OFFSPRING: Yeah, but there are more casualties when pillaging.
ME: Aren’t you worried they’ll find out about your stolen internets?
OFFSPRING: I’m on the SOCOM side, where we ignore ALL the rules. No hat, no salute, and we can wear open toed shoes.
ME: But YOU don’t because Safety First.
OFFSPRING: Bugger off. The showers are right over there.
ME: Antibiotics won’t save you from losing a toe to sharp objects.
OFFSPRING: True. But a year of building callouses and the ability to NOT kick knives might.
ME: You don’t look where you’re stepping. I know you.
OFFSPRING: Just caught our first rockets.
OFFSPRING: The (building) has holes now.
ME: Better it than you!
OFFSPRING: My room is pretty durable. I’d trust it against anything but a direct hit.
ME: WHICH COULD HAVE TAKEN OFF YOUR TOESEY-WOESIES IF YOU WERE WEARING FLIP-FLOPS!
OFFSPRING: That’s why I didn’t go outside!
ME: I MADE those toes. The least you could do is take care of them.
OFFSPRING: I wish I did. That would have made an awesome video.
ME: I love you. But I will straight murder you.
OFFSPRING: Por quoi?
ME: You’re supposed to be staying SAFE.
OFFSPRING: I am safe! I could have been slightly less safe but with a kickass video.
ME: Don’t make me fly out there and embarrass you.
OFFSPRING: I doubt you would make it. They need to do a combat landing to get here. In other words, the plane dives straight down to minimize the amount of time they could shoot it down.
ME: So? I’ve survived worse.
OFFSPRING: The flight before us had an engine catch fire. So they landed, threw sand at it, then took off again.
ME: Yeah, that happened to me once on a Southwest flight out of Utah.
 Except the Canadians, who went all premature on the gluttonous holiday and BEFOULED SPOOKY SEASON WITH TOGETHERNESS AND JOY. Seriously, Canada: get in line.*
 Making sure the new guys know where he stashed the good energy drinks, etc.
* Except you, Dildo. You are my retirement plan.