“Snow”

 

You deserve a real post—two real posts—this week.

 

But Offspring is home, and I’ve got to go wake him up by bouncing on his bed and asking what he wants to do today.

 

I really want to brag about the things I got Husband for Christmas, but he reads this blog so it’ll have to wait.  And I can’t tell you about the adorable thing we got Offspring because—though I’ve warned him off—he insists on reading this blog.[1]

 

And I live in St Louis, a city that just completely lost its shit over two inches of snow.[2]

meme: girl in raincoat rushing off with milk and bread; text reads: "I JUST SAW A SNOW FLAKE"

 

 

So today, rather than showing you the magnificence of my tree or discussing proper bow-making or debating the superior holiday hot beverage,[3] I must personally address a few people who probably won’t read this on their own; I will have to rely on you to spread the message in the hopes it reaches them.

 

To the parents of the woman who was driving 10mph[4] on I-270 while applying makeup:

You failed, and the garbage human you produced is the evidence of your failure that will be your legacy long after you’re in the ground.  Also, tell her to stick to the damned side roads if she’s gonna be that stupid.

woman applying lipstick and talking on the phone while driving

“They said drive slow… now I have time to finish my face!”

 

To the snow plow drivers who worked ridiculous hours cleaning up our streets:

I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but I’ve seen snow more than twice in my life so I’m totally qualified to do just that and it seems to me you’d have been done in no time if you hadn’t swooshed around moving snow from the far lanes to the middle lanes and back again.  It took you way too damned long to figure out the five-staggered configuration that literally everyone else knows about.

snow plows clearing highway; six in a diagonal, working efficiently

Seriously, everyone else has seen these pics, right?

 

To all the people who spun out or crashed into guard rails driving like damned fools:

I’m sorry we made a game of counting your abandoned cars.  That was probably insensitive of us.  Feel free to bill the plow drivers for your damage.

two people pushing a car off side of the road in the snow

In our defense… it was funny.

 

To the snow plow driver who somehow managed to wreck up against a guard rail on I-70

YOU HAD ONE JOB.

snow plow tipped off side of road in light snow

How does this even happen??

 

 

 

 

 

[1] ME:  You shouldn’t read that trash.
OFFSPRING:  You’re funny!  I never got to read your stuff when I lived at home… why is that?
ME:  Go to your room.

[2] I am not kidding.  Banks were closed.  Restaurants closed early.  Shops—including grocery stores—failed to open at all or closed early.

[3] It is and always will be hot chocolate.  But if you’re feeling sassy (and when am I not?) splash a li’l Disaronno or RumChata in there.  Santa will appreciate your improved mood.

[4] We were stuck behind her.  This was her exact speed for thirty goddamned minutes before I convinced Husband to pass on the right.

 

 

 

 

14 comments on ““Snow”

  1. Re the woman doing her makeup in the fast lane … I’d call 911. Seriously. That’s not just annoying, it’s dangerous. As for the snow plow drivers … Is it possible your city doesn’t HAVE five snow plows to deploy at once? Because snow is unusual? We get a couple weeks of fairly heavy snow most years, and I don’t think we have five snow plows.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sherry Bucalo says:

    1.There should be a test given for people to be able to drive in the snow. 2.Oh and yeah 2 loaves of bread and 2 gals of milk, Period. If you stuck in snow for longer than those two items take to run out, then see #1

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Rivergirl says:

    Don’t get me started on snow plows.
    Really, don’t.
    😤

    Like

  4. Kelley O says:

    Same here in NC when snow is even MENTIONED: bread shelves: empty. Milk refrigerators: empty. EGGS: gone. I figure everyone’s going to make French toast, right? I grew up in Alaska so I can drive in snow, but down here, when it’s icy and/or snowy, I don’t go out, because NOBODY ELSE CAN!! Buncha crazy idiots in their big 4 wheel drive trucks all, I’ve got 4WD, I can do ANYTHING and go super fast. I laugh when I see them in the ditch. Oh, and then there’s this picture, so you can see just how we do snow in Raleigh (2014): https://www.wral.com/-oh-my-gosh-raleigh-woman-s-snow-photo-goes-viral/13390109/

    Liked by 1 person

    • Fun story: Offspring actually saw a car on the side of the road, on fire, in the snow, on his way to the airport this trip.

      I expressed confusion: how can you light your car on fire in the snow?

      His explanation: people drop it into a low gear and just redline. Because snow=low gear. Because low gear=more traction.

      I headdesked right there in the restaurant. Got lobster sauce in my hair and everything.

      Like

      • Christina says:

        Forgive my ignorance, but I’ve never drive in snow, nor seen it falling (we specialise in extreme heat, drought and fires that ravage huge areas, the size of the country of Wales here in Australia at the moment).

        Why is low gear bad? I don’t know what redlining is, either.

        Sorry.

        PS: I’d love to swap some of your cold for our heat right now!

        Liked by 1 person

        • No trade; it’s not that cold where I am and everything about your country is designed to end me.

          Low gears are fine for getting your car moving. But they should really only ge used at very low speeds, unless you’re super into buying a new transmission. So these people shove their (probably automatic) into low gear and just floor it, trying to move faster. The RPM’s climb dangerously high (redlining) and it will literally burn up your car. 🔥 🔥 🔥

          Like

          • Christina says:

            Thank you for explaining Chase. It would never have occurred to me.

            The temps here just about end me too! Today was predicted to be 41C (105-106F) where I am – I don’t know what it actually got to as I’ve stayed inside in the air con all day. Land-locked suburbs to the west of the city were much hotter. The city of Sydney is almost completely ringed by fires, we’re waiting for a gusty “southerly buster” (cold change coming from Antarctica) but the cool change is making the fires worse due to the change of wind direction and we’re at risk of fire-generated thunderstorms. There’s a horrible red glow in the air and we’ve had ash drifting down all afternoon.

            And according to our prime minister, climate change isn’t a thing!

            Like

  5. Bex says:

    The first time I saw that snow plow formation was earlier this year when I took a ski trip out to Utah. I was rather impressed! Living in Southwest Virginia, we get maybe 2-3 good snows every winter and most of the plows we have in our area are not state/local government workers; they’re farmers plowing with their farm equipment because they like to do that kind of stuff.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Arionis says:

    LOL! Those jizz waffle drivers ARE fun to laugh at!

    Like

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