Though we haven’t met, we’ve been together long enough now that you’ve formed certain impressions of me. You are, for example, aware of my flair for the dramatic. You might have correctly assumed, from my passionate departure from the world each autumn, that dressing up and doing creepy shit is literally what […]
The day of The Meeting was also my last full day in Colorado. I’d prepared my father for my departure, reminding him that with a flight leaving at noon I wouldn’t have time to run all the way up to him in the morning and still make it to Denver in time to […]
After I sat there—letting four grown-ass men who don’t know me shit all over me, call me a liar and worse—I left the hospital sobbing. I was almost certainly in no condition to drive, but I did so anyway because what I needed more than vehicular safety was distance from the location of […]
If you don’t follow me on Instagram you should go fix that right now because I’m not retelling all the same stories and jokes here. And I’m certainly not reposting all the pictures.* But if you found your way here from Instagram?** Welcome, and I promise not to I’ll try not to scare […]
I noticed none of you mentioned, but this weekend is a Very Special weekend. Some might argue—quite rightly—that it’s the most special weekend in the whole calendar year. And you were just going to let it go completely unremarked-upon. Y’all. IT’S MAH BIRTHDAY WEEKEND!!! That’s right, it’s that magical time of […]
It’s been… however many months since a dozen fancy cupcakes saved me from a tropological death. You’ve probably forgotten all about certain promises, but I have not. Because I’m… you know. Husband, on the other hand, doesn’t know me at all.
Audrey’s famous Friendsmas party and cookie exchange is this weekend, which means we’ve got a sitter for the pets (a new one—you know her, actually… she’s the cultist from this story and sometimes I think they like her more than me) and we’re making the drive up to Wisconsin. Which seems like a lot […]
Dear Missouri, What’s your fucking deal? No, I’m being serious here. And—to avoid confusion—this time I’m speaking directly to the citizens of Missouri, as opposed to the state itself (we’ll get back to you, I’m sure).
I have a bone to pick with whomever recommended The Great British Baking Show as soothing, low-stakes programming. So basically, the entire internet. It probably didn’t help that I started my binge during a particularly vicious migraine, being—for once—in no mood for the brooding glances of Colin Sodding Firth, or my beloved Audrey […]
As I mentioned last week, my friend’s epic birthday party gave us an excuse for a mini road trip. I know some people avoid long drives, but our relationship more or less began in the car—that sounded dirty, but I swear only everything else I say is—and so for us a long drive […]