Category Archives: Blog

My Meth Ghosts

 

Screenshot of Messenger conversation; I complain about ghost stuff and how Husband doesn't believe but Audrey would, Audrey replies, "Science isn't real. Ghosts are."

 

 

You see that shit right there?  THAT is why Audrey is a good friend.

 

Husband, on the other hand, is a jerkface an engineer and keeps arguing this point with me.

 

I’m about to invite every single one of you over so you can walk around this house and feel how fucking haunted it is.*  Because Husband is full of explanations for everything: I hear voices because of dog toys or the neighbors’ stereos, and I’m not used to the reflective properties of all this brick and tile after our last house (admittedly 80% wood) and I’m just scaring myself… blah, blah, blah.

 

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Playing Telephone (Pt II)

 

Welcome back!

 

Aren’t guessing games the BEST?

this shit ends now

 

I know sometimes it’s frustrating, getting into the rhythm of a story only to hit the To Be Continued wall, but I’ve been feeling the lack of interaction lately, so I enjoyed the comment action. 

 

And, if Husband is to be believed, this blog is all about me.

 

But the time has come to appease your curiosity and answer the days’ old question:

 

What the fuck was his excuse for his phone?

 

Answer, and the full conversation, after the jump.

 

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I Got No Roots

 

I have noted, on numerous occasions, my willingness to laugh at myself.  To point out my own errors, however rare they might be. 

 

I just… forgot to mention this one when it happened, because there was so much going on at the time.  So I’m telling you now. 

 

I promise, it has nothing to do with my desire to stave off discussions of whether I’ve unpacked all 37 boxes of kitchen stuff (they won’t fit, there’s no way) or putting off the answer to the question you’re all asking—which is totally coming, I just remembered this and wanted to put it out there and also I’m a champion procrastinator.

line-art of woman collapsed in garden; text reads, "I'd like to nominate myself for the Procrastinator of the Year award, but I'd rather fill out the application some other time."

 

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Playing Telephone

 

We’ve got a weird combination of boring conversations:

 

ME:  Can we work on getting the media room more set up this weekend?
HIM:  Yeah, we can do that.  Maybe get some space for dog pillows?  Oh, and I can put the latch on the storage shed.
ME:  That would be nice.  Thank you.

 

… And dramatic ones:

 

ME:  … So basically I’ve been freaking out all day and I’m—
HIM:  Yeah, this is… I don’t even know what we’re going to do.
ME:  RIGHT?!?

 

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Getting (back to my) Gimmick

 

Last week I gave you a Conversation between my cats and wrote about an encounter with a professional exterminator.

 

At least, I think that’s who he was.  It’s possible a passing lunatic came by to murder me but, seeing the truck outside, had a change of heart and murdered the exterminator instead.  Then he stole the uniform and sprayed orange juice around my house so I wouldn’t wonder what happened to the real exterminator. 

 

Unlikely?  Sure.  But it would explain the giant fucking spider Hamilton killed last night while I watched Orange is the New Black.

(Orange is the New Black) CO Luschek steps outside, looks around, goes back into prison. Text flashes: *NOPE!*

 

Anyway, between those two posts you might be wondering if I’ve forgotten the stated goal of this page: to bring you truthful, accurate reports of the things my husband says in the form of my actual conversations with him.  I promise you, it is not so!  Here, let me soothe you with a quick sampling of what it’s been like, living here with him.

 

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I’d Rather Have a Springbok

 

We are here, you will recall, to discuss The Bug issue. 

looping gif, endless parade of giant beetles marches by

 

Well, not “discuss” in the traditional format, obviously; you are there and I am here and there’s a temporal disconnect as well.  More “discuss” in the book club sense; I’ll tell you a story, and then maybe we’ll have a discussion question at the end.  Won’t that be fun?

 

Shut up, it’s better than working.  And if you’re not reading on your employer’s time it’s not my fault.

 

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We Are Fam Nao!

 

For me, the bloom is already off the rose on this (abso-fucking-lutely haunted) house.

 

Now that the hot water and air conditioning issues are solved we have: doors that don’t open, doors that don’t close, windows that don’t open, outlets that don’t work, and goddamned bugs showing up.

looping gif, endless parade of giant beetles marches by

Go on, count ’em.

 

I’ve woken up every morning to dead spiders in the middle of the hall and random rooms.  And the crickets!  They’re just… wandering around the middle of the house.  Crickets, for those unfamiliar with the species, are not known for their desire to be indoors.  And since we are not open the windows and get some fresh air people there’s no rational explanation for their sudden appearance in my dining room. 

 

And we’ll address all of that in a later post, because the guy is coming this week.  First, I need to tell you about the most bizarre thing about this house.

 

Don’t stop now – keep reading!