It Begins…

 

I’m about to hit Publish on part one of the promised updates, but I wanted to offer one last explanation/warning before you read on:

 

Shit gets heavy, and I’m sorry about that.  Also, I do not approach my grief, the family drama, or anyone’s illness with the reverence or dignity that some people would likely prefer.  If you are one of those people, you are encouraged to skip the next few posts and wait for me to give an official All Clear announcement.  I will make inappropriate jokes here because I made them in hospital rooms to actual sick people.  Because that’s who I am.  I make no apologies for it.

 

I don’t know how many parts the “catch up series” will take; I thought I did, when I started, but I just had to take an emotional health break from part 4 (I was shaking and it got too hard) and I haven’t even explained something I meant to get to in the first one so… we’ll see?  Then again, I might find that I can wrap it all up quickly once I get past that worst bit.  Who knows?  Anyway, read ’em, don’t read ’em, binge ’em when they’re all up… you do you.  I just need to purge and keep the blogging muscles toned and this is my compromise.

 

One last point: this is not a work of fiction.  There is no clear hero, nor a villain.  There are people I love, people I loathe, and most often they are the same damned person.  Sometimes I fuck up, because the fact that it’s my story doesn’t mean I always make the right choices.  Relationships will seem complicated, confusing, and you may find yourself asking, “wait… doesn’t she hate him/her?”  Please understand that the answer to that question is complicated and ever-evolving and even I don’t have all the up-to-the minute answers.  Motives are murky, and I’m left puzzling over questions of personal gain and thought processes more than once.  But that’s life, you know?

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Ceci n’est pas un Post (But it IS an Update)

 

This is not a real post in the sense that you know it.

 

It is, rather, a sort of notice. Of things to come, of the (temporary, I hope) direction of this blog… but also a kind of discussion because I am still working out in my head how this will go.

Woman concentrates while equations flash

Don’t stop now – keep reading!

Some Random Shit

 

Every time he says something, I make a note of it.

 

Okay, not every time, obviously.  Some of the shit he says is boring.  Obviously.  I mean, sometimes he really does come home and just say, “Hi,” and kiss me, then, “I’m gonna go change real quick,” and I don’t see him for an hour because somehow his computer was on the way to the bedroom (it isn’t) and he got sucked into a game or facebook or whatever.  Obviously I don’t make a note of that.  I also don’t make a note when he says, “Got your coat?  It’s cold out” or “can you let the dogs out?  I’m tired” or any of those mundane daily things.

 

But the weird, the funny, the random, and the stupid?  They all get a note.

 

… Mostly.  I actually forget a lot.  And sometimes he gets mad if he sees me reaching for my phone right after he said something, but I can’t tell if he’s really annoyed or if he’s wishing he could do a rewrite before I get it down forever.*

 

So I’ve got all these notes, yeah?  Oodles of them, some from years back that never made it into a post.  Why?  Because they were little one-offs or I couldn’t spin a whole story around them.  And I’m sick of looking at them now.  Plus I’m trying to move over to a different organization tool for these notes and it would be really helpful to not have so many old ones kicking around.  So I’ve got two options: try to jam them in soon-ish, claiming they happened recently (not… really feasible for some) or just present them as-is in a sort of highlight episode.

 

Raise your hand if you guessed that I would choose the lazy way.

 

Don’t stop now – keep reading!

2018 Search Terms—The Final Countdown

 

Offspring is sat next to me, waiting for me to hurry this one along so I can go die in front of him.  Again.

 

Oh, did I not mention one of my favorite Christmas gifts?  I got many things I’ve been wanting, and Husband is no doubt a little butthurt that his outstanding choices in the video game department (Spiro and We Happy Few are currently burning a hole on my shelf) are not seeing any action due to Offspring’s breakout hit, Ark.

screenshot from Ark: Survival Evolved video game shows rocky, mountainous landscape with saddled dinosaurs bearing humans across the rough terrain while winged dinos swoop and glide overhead

I’d heard of this game yet somehow didn’t insist on owning it.  There’s so much wrong with me.

 

Holy shit, I am now taming and riding (and yes, hunting) actual dinosaurs!  Lucy Grove Jones, I think of you every time something adorable pounces me and feasts on my entrails.

 

Anyway, we’ve decided that the best thing would be for me to make my way to someplace called Herbivore Island… which really should be a viable start location but apparently that’s not the way the game is meant to go.  Death is an integral part of the experience, and you must die a minimum of 817 times before you accomplish anything.  Also, I’m still waiting to get güd. 

 

So.  I need a quick, lazy post for New Year’s Day.   Quite the challenge… unless, of course, someone out there has been exceptionally generous with their googling!

 

Don’t stop now – keep reading!

The Real Me

 

Being a person who sees the humor in everything, and can laugh at just about any situation, I read a lot of humor—both because I’ll find the funny bits of something that is only incidentally funny and because I seek out the writings of funny people.  Thus I often find myself wondering what it must be like to know them personally; I imagine their spouse must constantly be in stitches, their friends and family must tell everyone that they know just the funniest person alive, etc.

Robin Williams and his animated Disney character, the Genie, smile back to back

Sort of like how kids assumed Robin Williams was basically Genie in real life, minus some of the magic.

 

This explains why I resisted blogging for so long, and resisted the idea of calling it a humor blog for longer still: in my mind a humor writer was someone who must be dazzling in person, always “on,” entertaining in every moment and aspect of their lives.  The sort of person who couldn’t go for a drink without having an adventure, who would go for a walk and end up in the wrong country.   

 

You know how it turned out, because you’re here: at the nagging insistence of a few beloved friends, I did the thing and here we are and you know I’m glad.  But… I still worry that I’m not quite in the mold, you know?

 

Don’t stop now – keep reading!

2017 Year In Review

 

It’s 2018!  Holy shit, we’re more than halfway through the first quarter of the 21st century!  Time is just flying, and—it must be said—some of you are getting old.

 

Not me, of course, but some of you.  Which is weird for me to watch, but I’m trying to be gracious about it.  Me, I just throw things at Offspring when I’m blaring Aerosmith (kitchen cleanup goes so much nicer with a classic rock playlist—try it!) and he says, “This is Nirvanna, right?”  Then he says we wouldn’t have this argument if I’d listen to music less than 150 years old, and I remind him who taught him to love Meatloaf and Bon Jovi and we agree to a truce because it’s not possible to keep fighting while you’re belting out Living on a Prayer.

 

LOTR Boromir meme "One does not simply stop singing Livin' on a Prayer"

 

 

Where were we?  Riiiight… 2018.  which means that 2017 is officially behind us—yay!

 

And that means… drumroll… It’s time for me to pile together all those weird and wonderful search terms people used to find my humble little humor blog (I have to mention, periodically, that it is a humor blog, because that’s the only way WordPress knows; apparently you have to use the keyword, because having a humor blog is just like having a yoga blog—you use the word a lot, and that’s what your blog is about.   Humor.  Funny.)  Actually, I sorted them into an Excel list, and then picked through the rubbish for the humor gold, but you get the idea.  Here then are my favorite ways people found us last year.  Starting with the most popular Google result:

 

Don’t stop now – keep reading!