2018 Search Terms—The Final Countdown

 

Offspring is sat next to me, waiting for me to hurry this one along so I can go die in front of him.  Again.

 

Oh, did I not mention one of my favorite Christmas gifts?  I got many things I’ve been wanting, and Husband is no doubt a little butthurt that his outstanding choices in the video game department (Spiro and We Happy Few are currently burning a hole on my shelf) are not seeing any action due to Offspring’s breakout hit, Ark.

screenshot from Ark: Survival Evolved video game shows rocky, mountainous landscape with saddled dinosaurs bearing humans across the rough terrain while winged dinos swoop and glide overhead

I’d heard of this game yet somehow didn’t insist on owning it.  There’s so much wrong with me.

 

Holy shit, I am now taming and riding (and yes, hunting) actual dinosaurs!  Lucy Grove Jones, I think of you every time something adorable pounces me and feasts on my entrails.

 

Anyway, we’ve decided that the best thing would be for me to make my way to someplace called Herbivore Island… which really should be a viable start location but apparently that’s not the way the game is meant to go.  Death is an integral part of the experience, and you must die a minimum of 817 times before you accomplish anything.  Also, I’m still waiting to get güd. 

 

So.  I need a quick, lazy post for New Year’s Day.   Quite the challenge… unless, of course, someone out there has been exceptionally generous with their googling!

 

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Search Terms (Fall 2018 Edition)

 

My house is legally uninhabitable.

 

I’m being threatened by Meth Ghosts.

 

I’m still tripping over and dodging around boxes, and am beginning to feel like my best-case scenario will be one in which I’m mostly unpacked when it’s time to call the movers next year.

 

Now feels like a good time to take another look at the search terms, doesn’t it?

 

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The Real Me

 

Being a person who sees the humor in everything, and can laugh at just about any situation, I read a lot of humor—both because I’ll find the funny bits of something that is only incidentally funny and because I seek out the writings of funny people.  Thus I often find myself wondering what it must be like to know them personally; I imagine their spouse must constantly be in stitches, their friends and family must tell everyone that they know just the funniest person alive, etc.

Robin Williams and his animated Disney character, the Genie, smile back to back

Sort of like how kids assumed Robin Williams was basically Genie in real life, minus some of the magic.

 

This explains why I resisted blogging for so long, and resisted the idea of calling it a humor blog for longer still: in my mind a humor writer was someone who must be dazzling in person, always “on,” entertaining in every moment and aspect of their lives.  The sort of person who couldn’t go for a drink without having an adventure, who would go for a walk and end up in the wrong country.   

 

You know how it turned out, because you’re here: at the nagging insistence of a few beloved friends, I did the thing and here we are and you know I’m glad.  But… I still worry that I’m not quite in the mold, you know?

 

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2017 Year In Review

 

It’s 2018!  Holy shit, we’re more than halfway through the first quarter of the 21st century!  Time is just flying, and—it must be said—some of you are getting old.

 

Not me, of course, but some of you.  Which is weird for me to watch, but I’m trying to be gracious about it.  Me, I just throw things at Offspring when I’m blaring Aerosmith (kitchen cleanup goes so much nicer with a classic rock playlist—try it!) and he says, “This is Nirvanna, right?”  Then he says we wouldn’t have this argument if I’d listen to music less than 150 years old, and I remind him who taught him to love Meatloaf and Bon Jovi and we agree to a truce because it’s not possible to keep fighting while you’re belting out Living on a Prayer.

 

LOTR Boromir meme "One does not simply stop singing Livin' on a Prayer"

 

 

Where were we?  Riiiight… 2018.  which means that 2017 is officially behind us—yay!

 

And that means… drumroll… It’s time for me to pile together all those weird and wonderful search terms people used to find my humble little humor blog (I have to mention, periodically, that it is a humor blog, because that’s the only way WordPress knows; apparently you have to use the keyword, because having a humor blog is just like having a yoga blog—you use the word a lot, and that’s what your blog is about.   Humor.  Funny.)  Actually, I sorted them into an Excel list, and then picked through the rubbish for the humor gold, but you get the idea.  Here then are my favorite ways people found us last year.  Starting with the most popular Google result:

 

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2016 Year in Review—Search Terms

 

I’ve complained in the past of my frustration with “unknown search terms.”  To be clear, this is still the bane of my existence.  Whatever you are doing to keep me from seeing how you got to my blog, STAHP! 

 

I gots to know!

Internet Friends don’t keep secrets from each other!

 

But I put away search terms for a good long while—mostly because my hair was falling out from the stress—and only recently looked through them again.  

 

I’m not sure how I feel about what I’ve found, to be honest, but I know filler material when I see it. 

 

Here, then, are the top (humorous) search terms used to find this blog in 2016.

 

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Popping the Question

 

There are questions never asked here, and I want you all to know that I do appreciate your restraint, your apparent faith in me.   There is, however, one question that I get asked in real life that I feel is best addressed here (no, it has nothing to do with managing my staggering sex appeal – seems everyone just assumes I’m completely oblivious to my effect on others); strangely, the question is about this blog, even though, as I’ve alluded a mere eight commas ago (shut up, I do not run-on, it’s called a complex sentence, and the count is now eleven) it’s never asked by anyone who actually follows this blog.

Don’t stop now – keep reading!