Locked Out: A Love Story (with monsters)

 

This blog—as you’ll have noticed from the title and the other posts and basically everything—is about the conversations with my husband.  I like him, he likes me, we spend time together and we talk. 

 

Usually.

 

This is the time of year all that changes; my haunt is in full swing and we’re now on opposite schedules (highly recommended for couples who secretly hate each other, btw).  Thus I present to you: Actual Texts From My Husband, including Conversations With Various Zombies, Clowns, And At Least One Demon.

 

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Every Day is Halloween

 

Confession: I am not as young as I used to be.

 

If I’m being completely honest with you, I was probably never as young as I was, except when I was older than I was.

Confused man saying "wait..."

 

I just read that back and realized the only way it makes sense is if you too have been lying about your age your whole life.  If that’s you, congratulations!  You’ve found your people.  If not… try to keep up, because that wasn’t even my point and it’s only going to get weirder.

 

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Scaring Myself

 

If you know me at all—and you’re here now, so you might as well settle in and learn somethin’—you know this is my time.

halloween season

 

Which is to say I’ve been getting crazy busy with other things lately and totally neglected to explain how it was that I came to have someone in my house while I was catching up on housework while listening to my two soul mates tell me about all the ways I’m totally going to get murdered.*

screenshot of tweet reads, "Finally got someone 'round to fix a few things, and now I've got a strange man in my house making odd noises while I listen to @MyFavMurder and FREAK THE FUCK OUT every time he pops around the corner or bumps something. #excellentdecisions

 

 

Let me catch you up a li’l, k?

 

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Ah, Faaaaaamily

 

‘Tis the season, friends.

 

'Tis the season for balls (brainlesstales.com)

Well, yes.  But also…

 

I’m writing to you from my favorite spot in the whole house—three and a half feet from a tree that looks like it stepped out of a Macy’s window to spend the season with us—wearing jingle bell earrings and a jingle bell bracelet and a jingle bell necklace,* because if you don’t jingle all the way you’re not Christmassing hard enough and you don’t get eggnog shakes with cookie dough vodka in. 

 

cookie dough vodka

Yas plz.

 

Them’s the rules.

 

Don’t stop now – keep reading!