11 Stocking Stuffers I’d be THRILLED to Receive (or Give!)

 

I don’t know how things work in your family, but in this house stockings are Santa’s responsibility.

about a billion (or at least 16) stockings hung on a mantle

I’m not made of money, dammit!

 

That said, there’s nothing wrong with helping the big guy out once in a while.  The way I see it, the less effort he has to put into everyone else’s stockings the more time he has to devote to my gifts.

me with my red and green hair

The real reason for the season.

It is with this philosophy in mind that I give you the following excellent—and compact!—gift ideas

 

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Best Care Package EVER

 

I have no way of knowing how many of you are in a position to send care packages, but I highly recommend it.

mail package, wrapped in craft paper and tied with twine; express stickers and stamps cover every surface

Sure, shipping costs will amount to more than the value of the actual items, but it’s the easiest way I’ve found to become a hero to someone you love (and a lot of people you’ll never meet.)

 

I, naturally, put together the Best Care Package Evah for Offspring.  I meticulously listed and photographed everything as I put it in the giant box, with the intent that he would photograph the condition of his treats on arrival and we could then report on which items ship best and which you could maybe pass on in favor of something more durable.

 

He opened the box in front of them.

terrifying (possibly armored?) pirhanna hoard attacks YOU

 

Most everything was gone within the hour.

 

So copy my list at your own risk!  And be aware that if you send The Best Care Package Evah your loved one might not get any of the actual treats.

 

Unless, maybe, they live with humans and not wolverines.

blanket of packing peanuts in box

Shall we dive in?

 

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2019: In With a Sniffle

 

I really want to give you something special today.  I want to start 2019 off with a bang, you know?

 

But here’s the thing: I’m sick as a fucking dog* and dealing with some serious post-holiday blah on top of it all.

 

This was our first Christmas with Offspring as a (welcome!  So very welcome we almost didn’t let him leave) “visitor” rather than a permanent installment in our home, and now my holiday season has an official end: the day he leaves.  Always before, I was content—determined, even—to keep my tree and my carols and my lights going as long as would be permitted by Husband, the neighbors, and local laws.  But when I hugged Private Squdgee Booboo goodbye (and went right back to bed because his flight was at bullshit o’clock) I had no further desire to light the tree.  It’s not that I’m over Christmas, it’s just… it all looks sort of sad now that he’s not here.  Like a Who house after the Grinch left; all hooks and wire and crumbs.

(How the Grinch Stole Christmas) sad Who house, all stripped bare of Christmas cheer and decor following a visit from the Grinch; wires and scraggly bits of tinsel hang from hooks and the hearth is bare

 

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As Mature as I Get

 

In mentioning that I’ve been married for 14 years, that my son can now vote* and is bringing his girlfriend home for Christmas—

 

Oh, did I not mention that bit?  Because that’s happening.  But you’re distracting me and that’s not the point either!

 

Yes, I’m nervous.  So nervous.  Oh my fucking lord above you have no idea how nervous.  And every time I think about how nervous I am, I buy her another present.  I haven’t wrapped any of them yet, either, so it’s all a clusterfuck.  THANKS FOR REMINDING ME.

stressed woman wrapping Christmas gifts

Ahem.

 

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O, Chraoibh Puinnseanta!

 

Al* reminded me this weekend that I haven’t introduced the world to my Christmas tree this year, and we discussed the reason why.

 

Well, reasons.

 

Well, reason.

 

Okay, this is already getting complicated but the problem is I truly don’t know where to begin.  Do I start with whose fault it is, or the first problem, or the end result?

(Hellraiser) Pinhead (man with nails in face) saying, "Shall we begin?"

 

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