2019: In With a Sniffle

 

I really want to give you something special today.  I want to start 2019 off with a bang, you know?

 

But here’s the thing: I’m sick as a fucking dog* and dealing with some serious post-holiday blah on top of it all.

 

This was our first Christmas with Offspring as a (welcome!  So very welcome we almost didn’t let him leave) “visitor” rather than a permanent installment in our home, and now my holiday season has an official end: the day he leaves.  Always before, I was content—determined, even—to keep my tree and my carols and my lights going as long as would be permitted by Husband, the neighbors, and local laws.  But when I hugged Private Squdgee Booboo goodbye (and went right back to bed because his flight was at bullshit o’clock) I had no further desire to light the tree.  It’s not that I’m over Christmas, it’s just… it all looks sort of sad now that he’s not here.  Like a Who house after the Grinch left; all hooks and wire and crumbs.

(How the Grinch Stole Christmas) sad Who house, all stripped bare of Christmas cheer and decor following a visit from the Grinch; wires and scraggly bits of tinsel hang from hooks and the hearth is bare

 

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The Truth About Frosty

 

If you thought we were done Christmassing around here you’re not just wrong, you’re Elf on the Shelf levels of wrong.

Elf on the Shelf sits inside a box, wearing a bib that reads, "I'm not gay, but $20 is $20" A candy cane protrudes through a glory hole beside him and a $20 bill dangles above

Shoutout to Hot Mess Memoir for her Elf shenanigans

 

Also, you must be new here.  Welcome!

 

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As Mature as I Get

 

In mentioning that I’ve been married for 14 years, that my son can now vote* and is bringing his girlfriend home for Christmas—

 

Oh, did I not mention that bit?  Because that’s happening.  But you’re distracting me and that’s not the point either!

 

Yes, I’m nervous.  So nervous.  Oh my fucking lord above you have no idea how nervous.  And every time I think about how nervous I am, I buy her another present.  I haven’t wrapped any of them yet, either, so it’s all a clusterfuck.  THANKS FOR REMINDING ME.

stressed woman wrapping Christmas gifts

Ahem.

 

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O, Chraoibh Puinnseanta!

 

Al* reminded me this weekend that I haven’t introduced the world to my Christmas tree this year, and we discussed the reason why.

 

Well, reasons.

 

Well, reason.

 

Okay, this is already getting complicated but the problem is I truly don’t know where to begin.  Do I start with whose fault it is, or the first problem, or the end result?

(Hellraiser) Pinhead (man with nails in face) saying, "Shall we begin?"

 

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Something About Fudge

 

Audrey’s famous Friendsmas party and cookie exchange is this weekend, which means we’ve got a sitter for the pets (a new one—you know her, actually… she’s the cultist from this story and sometimes I think they like her more than me) and we’re making the drive up to Wisconsin.  Which seems like a lot for a one day event, but you’ve never had those amazing truffles my new mom makes.

 

(HIMYM) Ted and Marshall singing "I Would Walk 500 Miles" in the car

 

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2018 Gift Guide For the Rest of Us

 

I don’t know about the rest of the world (blame the public school system for that) but here in the US Thanksgiving is behind us and the holiday shopping season is in full swing. 

 

Now, the internet is going to be full of advice for you: where to find the best sales, 10 Reasons to Do All Your Holiday Shopping Online, 7 Reasons to Get Out of the House and Shop Local, reminders that pets are forever and don’t make good gifts, etc.  It’s the same shit every year, isn’t it?

 

There will also be loads of gift guides out there for people you don’t really have any difficulty buying for: Dad, caffeine addict, film buff; or for people you don’t actually have in your life: the wine expert, the world traveler, the modern art collector.

 

None of that here.  How ‘bout a gift guide for the people you wish you didn’t have to buy a gift for?

stressed woman wrapping Christmas gifts

Jingle ALL the way!