2018 Search Terms—The Final Countdown

 

Offspring is sat next to me, waiting for me to hurry this one along so I can go die in front of him.  Again.

 

Oh, did I not mention one of my favorite Christmas gifts?  I got many things I’ve been wanting, and Husband is no doubt a little butthurt that his outstanding choices in the video game department (Spiro and We Happy Few are currently burning a hole on my shelf) are not seeing any action due to Offspring’s breakout hit, Ark.

screenshot from Ark: Survival Evolved video game shows rocky, mountainous landscape with saddled dinosaurs bearing humans across the rough terrain while winged dinos swoop and glide overhead

I’d heard of this game yet somehow didn’t insist on owning it.  There’s so much wrong with me.

 

Holy shit, I am now taming and riding (and yes, hunting) actual dinosaurs!  Lucy Grove Jones, I think of you every time something adorable pounces me and feasts on my entrails.

 

Anyway, we’ve decided that the best thing would be for me to make my way to someplace called Herbivore Island… which really should be a viable start location but apparently that’s not the way the game is meant to go.  Death is an integral part of the experience, and you must die a minimum of 817 times before you accomplish anything.  Also, I’m still waiting to get güd. 

 

So.  I need a quick, lazy post for New Year’s Day.   Quite the challenge… unless, of course, someone out there has been exceptionally generous with their googling!

 

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The Truth About Frosty

 

If you thought we were done Christmassing around here you’re not just wrong, you’re Elf on the Shelf levels of wrong.

Elf on the Shelf sits inside a box, wearing a bib that reads, "I'm not gay, but $20 is $20" A candy cane protrudes through a glory hole beside him and a $20 bill dangles above

Shoutout to Hot Mess Memoir for her Elf shenanigans

 

Also, you must be new here.  Welcome!

 

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As Mature as I Get

 

In mentioning that I’ve been married for 14 years, that my son can now vote* and is bringing his girlfriend home for Christmas—

 

Oh, did I not mention that bit?  Because that’s happening.  But you’re distracting me and that’s not the point either!

 

Yes, I’m nervous.  So nervous.  Oh my fucking lord above you have no idea how nervous.  And every time I think about how nervous I am, I buy her another present.  I haven’t wrapped any of them yet, either, so it’s all a clusterfuck.  THANKS FOR REMINDING ME.

stressed woman wrapping Christmas gifts

Ahem.

 

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O, Chraoibh Puinnseanta!

 

Al* reminded me this weekend that I haven’t introduced the world to my Christmas tree this year, and we discussed the reason why.

 

Well, reasons.

 

Well, reason.

 

Okay, this is already getting complicated but the problem is I truly don’t know where to begin.  Do I start with whose fault it is, or the first problem, or the end result?

(Hellraiser) Pinhead (man with nails in face) saying, "Shall we begin?"

 

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Something About Fudge

 

Audrey’s famous Friendsmas party and cookie exchange is this weekend, which means we’ve got a sitter for the pets (a new one—you know her, actually… she’s the cultist from this story and sometimes I think they like her more than me) and we’re making the drive up to Wisconsin.  Which seems like a lot for a one day event, but you’ve never had those amazing truffles my new mom makes.

 

(HIMYM) Ted and Marshall singing "I Would Walk 500 Miles" in the car

 

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2018 Gift Guide For the Rest of Us

 

I don’t know about the rest of the world (blame the public school system for that) but here in the US Thanksgiving is behind us and the holiday shopping season is in full swing. 

 

Now, the internet is going to be full of advice for you: where to find the best sales, 10 Reasons to Do All Your Holiday Shopping Online, 7 Reasons to Get Out of the House and Shop Local, reminders that pets are forever and don’t make good gifts, etc.  It’s the same shit every year, isn’t it?

 

There will also be loads of gift guides out there for people you don’t really have any difficulty buying for: Dad, caffeine addict, film buff; or for people you don’t actually have in your life: the wine expert, the world traveler, the modern art collector.

 

None of that here.  How ‘bout a gift guide for the people you wish you didn’t have to buy a gift for?

stressed woman wrapping Christmas gifts

Jingle ALL the way!