His Fake Movies

 

It’s been a while, hasn’t it, since I did a nice long random?

Lorelei Gilmore "my babbling capabilities are infinite"

 

No, I mean—yes, I know all of my posts are long and a bit random, shut up—but what I meant was those Conversations which offer you a brief backstage pass to our lives.  Or, in this case, a backseat pass. 

 

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Venom: My Favorite DELETED SCENES

 

Did anyone else see Venom this week?  I mean, some of you probably saw it last weekend, but I was busy making children cry and getting yelled at by their parents (that’s a whole ‘nother post) so I had to do it on a weeknight. 

 

Venom promo image, showing the oil-slick monster all drippy fangs and long pointy tongue next to his name in mist

 

Since I know you’ll ask, here are my notes:

 

  • My favorite part of a Spiderman movie is the part where there’s no spidersmen.
  • Riz Ahmed 1000% copied his character from this episode of Doctor Who.
  • The only likeable character in this movie was a parasitic alien, but I really liked him so it sort of balanced out.
  • Tom Hardy has been in a lot of things.  I know this because he’s totally recognizable every time.
  • I would like to thank Sony Pictures Entertainment for making an entire movie just so I could write more deleted scenes.  Now please, sell all this shit back to Marvel.  * 

 

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Every Day is Halloween

 

Confession: I am not as young as I used to be.

 

If I’m being completely honest with you, I was probably never as young as I was, except when I was older than I was.

Confused man saying "wait..."

 

I just read that back and realized the only way it makes sense is if you too have been lying about your age your whole life.  If that’s you, congratulations!  You’ve found your people.  If not… try to keep up, because that wasn’t even my point and it’s only going to get weirder.

 

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Scaring Myself

 

If you know me at all—and you’re here now, so you might as well settle in and learn somethin’—you know this is my time.

halloween season

 

Which is to say I’ve been getting crazy busy with other things lately and totally neglected to explain how it was that I came to have someone in my house while I was catching up on housework while listening to my two soul mates tell me about all the ways I’m totally going to get murdered.*

screenshot of tweet reads, "Finally got someone 'round to fix a few things, and now I've got a strange man in my house making odd noises while I listen to @MyFavMurder and FREAK THE FUCK OUT every time he pops around the corner or bumps something. #excellentdecisions

 

 

Let me catch you up a li’l, k?

 

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Or “Buying Stuff”

 

It is a fact universally acknowledged that husbands—not men, mind you, but husbands, who must hold purses and sit in designated creepy chairs or husband playpens—hate shopping.

 

 

Husband contends that the actual issue is that he sees no reason to shop, ever; I shop, he claims, while he buys things.

 

But, whatever the reason—and I’m sure we can agree it can’t possibly be anything to do with my sunny self—I’ve begun to suspect he’s particularly reluctant to shop with me.

 

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