Artificial Sadism Explained

 

I just want to note that nobody—not one of you—asked if I got to the airport safely.

SUV's driving five-abreast can't negotiate a turn and roll down the embankment, one bursting into flames (from The Simpsons) Caption reads, (tires screeching) (people screaming)

 

I mean, obviously I did, but… where’s the love?

 

Especially since, according to the demon box, my city has been under a flood warning every single day for almost two weeks.*

 

But the drive itself was uneventful.

 

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Umami

 

Our actual anniversary is in December, which is perfect for us because of my love for the holiday season, hot chocolate, and letting other people throw my party.*

Courtney Cox saying, "I can't say 'no' to tequila"

It would be rude.

But spring—according to some dead poets—is the season of rebirth and romance.  I’ve never noticed, because I have eyeballs and can see that the trees are still bare and everything is dripping, but maybe all the Great Poets are blind?**

 

Regardless, spring is more or less here and I—in the spring of my fifteenth year of marriage to a man who tricked me into marrying him—am realizing I still don’t know him at all.

 

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Flat Earth

 

One of our favorite things—which you’d probably never guess unless you really know us—is stupid people and the shit they do for our entertainment.

 

Specifically, we will mockwatch* conspiracy shows,** documentaries about epic failure… whatever Netflix generously provides for our consumption.  (And it’s a lot.  Someone go thank them for all the good work they do—I’m busy drunk watching some bridezilla bitches scream about sequins)

 

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