Category Archives: Movies

His Fake Movies

 

It’s been a while, hasn’t it, since I did a nice long random?

Lorelei Gilmore "my babbling capabilities are infinite"

 

No, I mean—yes, I know all of my posts are long and a bit random, shut up—but what I meant was those Conversations which offer you a brief backstage pass to our lives.  Or, in this case, a backseat pass. 

 

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Venom: My Favorite DELETED SCENES

 

Did anyone else see Venom this week?  I mean, some of you probably saw it last weekend, but I was busy making children cry and getting yelled at by their parents (that’s a whole ‘nother post) so I had to do it on a weeknight. 

 

Venom promo image, showing the oil-slick monster all drippy fangs and long pointy tongue next to his name in mist

 

Since I know you’ll ask, here are my notes:

 

  • My favorite part of a Spiderman movie is the part where there’s no spidersmen.
  • Riz Ahmed 1000% copied his character from this episode of Doctor Who.
  • The only likeable character in this movie was a parasitic alien, but I really liked him so it sort of balanced out.
  • Tom Hardy has been in a lot of things.  I know this because he’s totally recognizable every time.
  • I would like to thank Sony Pictures Entertainment for making an entire movie just so I could write more deleted scenes.  Now please, sell all this shit back to Marvel.  * 

 

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Deadpool 2: My Favorite DELETED Scenes

 

Apologies if you’re not a Marvel fan, or a Deadpool fan.* 

 

 

In all seriousness, I did consider not doing another one of these—the response to my Infinity War post was pretty lackluster and that film was an easier target.  But then I assessed the facts:

  1. This is my blog.
  2. I really enjoyed writing those “scenes.”
  3. I really really wish y’all had liked them as much as I did. Because I thought that shit was funny.
  4. There’s a nonzero chance the post was fine and I just marketed it wrong, putting the word “spoiler” in the title like a dumbass.

 

So I’m trying again, even though Deadpool 2 was conspicuously light on deleted scenes—Wade has no problem mocking himself or his source material, which leaves little on the cutting room floor.

 

nb: THERE ARE NO SPOILERS AHEAD.  ZERO.  You can absolutely read this post and then go see the movie without fear that I’ve ruined anything.  None of these scenes appear in the movie that is currently in theaters.  It’s possible some of them will be released on the DVD, but that’s bonus material and nobody told me not to spoil that shit.

Deadpool, in full suit and stripper heels, sprawls on stage beside the incomparable Celine Dion

 

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Marvel Spoilers (not really): My Favorite Scenes from Infinity War

 

I am aware that some of you haven’t seen Avengers: Infinity War yet, and I’m sorry for you.  Because it’s amazing and hilarious and totally worth the price of admission* and, frankly, you’re running out of time to avoid spoilers from even decent people.

 

Right about now you’re wondering: am I a decent person?  About me, I mean.  You might be wondering it about you, but… look, I don’t have time to sort out your shit right now because I’m trying to tell people all about my favorite parts of Infinity War without spoiling it entirely, okay? 

 

So here they are, my favorite scenes from the movie, in no particular order.

 

Oh, and if you’ve already seen the movie don’t worry—I’ve included a few of my favorite deleted scenes just to keep it fresh.

 

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