Monkey Do (NEM #84)

 

Told you I wasn’t quitting forever. #smug

 

As you sit, warm and snug and—if you’re truly living your best life, drunkover—I am hiding in the basement trying to ignore the horrors my menfolk are perpetrating above me.  They are, in fact, dismantling Christmas.  I am writing to you from last night, through a haze of tears as I contemplate the prospect of a parlour without a tree, a mantle without stockings, windows without cheery candles to welcome weary travelers to the hospitality we would, in theory, provide.  (I mean, I’ve never really found a weary traveler on my doorstep who wasn’t expected, but I like to think that as long as my candles are burning I’d bring them in; feed them, shelter them… try to ignore their canned-air and baby vomit airplane smell.)

 

In short, today I need a little motivationality.  Good thing I have some saved up, right?

 

For those of you who aren’t yet used to this… I’m sorry.  Also, it’s sort of this secret club thing, so you will have to swear your undying loyalty, take a blood oath, and also click this link to learn what Not Exactly Motivational is all about—you know, the history, our mission, why the actual post is after the jump… but not why I stopped updating regularly because, as I’ve just realized, I was too fucking lazy to put that bit in there.  Damn.  I’ll have to add that.  Later.  When I’m done killing zombies, because that’s how I’m working through my feelings about what’s happening upstairs.  For those of you who already know the drill, spare a thought for me while you continue on in your usual fashion, won’t you? 

 

Motivate me!

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Hungry Eyes (NEM #83)

 

I know you’re all either bloated or hung over, but I have to talk to you about something serious, so try to refrain from vomiting (or grabbing “just one more slice of pie”) until we’re done here.  Explanation after the jump—unless you’re new and have no clue what’s going on—you’ll have to click the Not Exactly Motivational link before you can continue.  Don’t worry, you’ll be dropped off right back here when you’re done and caught up.  Everyone else, continue as usual.

 

Motivate me!

The Perfect Host (NEM #82)

 

If you’re not elbows-deep in prep this weekend, you’re not one of the thousands of Americans hosting the other three hundred million for dinner on Thursday.  Sit back, relax, wait for someone to bring you pie or a hot chocolate or something, because this post isn’t for you.  No, this week’s motivateering is strictly for the overworked host.  Who, statistically, isn’t reading this blog anyway, so… actually, go ahead and read on, that you might bring it to their attention.  Even if you’re not American, because at some point you’ll be invited to something.*

 

Unless, of course, you’re new here.  If this is your first ever Saturday with us, I’m afraid you have one extra step to complete: just click any of the convenient Not Exactly Motivational links (that one will do nicely) to learn all about what it is we do here of a Saturday.  Bonus—you’ll have an opportunity to look through all the past NEM posts while you’re there!  Returning readers have already waived their right to sue and are free to continue at their own discretion.  Welcome to the holiday season!

 

Motivate me!

Pampered (NEM #81)

 

Welcome back to another Very Special Saturday here at ACWMH Enterprises Inc.*  I’m super-excited about this Saturday because it’s a nice lazy one for me… got my cocoa—someone asked for my recipe, and I promise, it’s coming—my puppies, basically everything I could possibly want.  I might never leave the couch again!

 

Alas, this is exactly why we need NEM Saturdays!  Without these little flashes of motivatilism, you’d all loaf about in your altogether altogethers until you died and your rotting flesh melted into the upholstery!  Because let’s face it: your week was shit, and next week isn’t looking any better.  Plus, soon there’ll be all that family shit to deal with—you need “motivation” like woah.  So get to it!

 

Unless you’re new here.  I see you, lurking New Kid.  Yeah, better click this here Not Exactly Motivational link, so you can be sure of what you’re getting into—and we can be sure you’ve got the right sense of humor to hang with us.  Don’t worry—we’ll wait for you.

 

Motivate me!

What Do You Want? (NEM #80)

 

Well, it’s Saturday again… did anyone else notice it took its sweet time this week? 

 

That’s it, Saturday—this is going on your review.  Don’t make the mistake of thinking you’re irreplaceable; we’ve switched up our calendar before, and I personally think poor Pluto deserves a spot on the calendar after that whole “not a real planet” scandal. 

 

If you’re thinking I’ve gone mad, you’re clearly new here.  Which is fine, I’m just going to need you to lift up your shirt, place your right hand on the screen just here, and recite the sacred oath of—holy fuck I was so messing with you for the love of God please pull your shirt down!  Seriously, there’s only one requirement for new readers, and it’s simple: click any of the handy Not Exactly Motivational links (that one there will do nicely) and read up on our history and mission statement; there’s even a way to see all the past NEM posts, so you can catch up.  Once I’m sure you know what you’re getting into, you can continue on just like all the cool kids are about to do. 

 

Motivate me!

Shallow (NEM #79)

 

Well, here we are.  It’s the Saturday before Halloween, which means you’re either hung over from last night’s Halloween party, getting ready for tonight’s Halloween party, or both. 

 

Bastard.

 

But hey, I’m not bitter.  And to prove that there are no hard feelings, I brought a gift: traditional Saturday motivatility to make facing the week ahead a little more bearable.  But first!  We must complete the ritual Sacrifice of the New Reader.  Yeah, we see you.  The only way to save yourself is to click the Not Exactly Motivational link—you’ll be introduced to the glorious history of NEM Saturday and can even click through past posts—at which point you won’t be the new kid anymore.  For the rest of you, continue as usual: click on only once you’ve got the blood of a new reader on your hand.

 

Motivate me!

Sooner or Later (NEM #78)

 

Hello and welcome to Saturday, the only day of the week where we open our eyes and seriously question our life choices.

 

I mean, some of you are probably doing that other days as well, but on Saturdays you have the luxury of staying in bed while you do it!

 

As is our custom, we will begin by sussing out the fresh meat; If you’ve no idea why it’s so important to me (and my future legal team) that new readers be identified before they continue any further, you aren’t familiar enough with the glorious history of Not Exactly Motivational posts to continue without clicking that link.  But!  As a reward, when you come back from catching up on the (quick) story and all the past posts?  You’ll be one of the cool kids and you’ll know that our current theme is beloved children’s stories.  The rest of you may proceed in the usual fashion.

 

Motivate me!