Welcome to another “motivational” Saturday. I’m your host and resident lunatic blogger who needs no introduction.
Unless I do, in which case you’ll also want a quick introduction to the grand Saturday tradition of Not Exactly Motivational, which you can find by clicking that link there or any similar link found at the top of absolutely any web page worth visiting. And while you’re clicking things (they all open in new tabs, I promise) you might want to have a look at the Instagram or Pinterest. You know, in case you’re keen on sharing.*
Can I tell you a secret?
I slacked so hard this week, I almost didn’t get this post up. Are you proud of me? You should be. I am the very pinnacle of human achievement, a veritable loaf of wasted synapses. I’ll probably cock it all up by doing something productive this weekend, but for now you may look upon me as the great motivilitist of the common era.
If you’re one of those tanned, enthusiastic newcomers who’ve popped in fresh from a week of actually doing things and had, up until a moment ago, no idea that motivility was even a thing, welcome! Now please direct your attention and your mouse to the Not Exactly Motivational link (found here and at the top of discriminating pages across the internet) so that you might fully understand what it is you’ve stumbled upon. In case, you know, you actually got here via StumbleUpon. If you got here via Pinterest or Instagram, you still need to click that link, but the pun doesn’t quite fit; I’ll work on something for you later. For the returning, please continue in the fashion to which you have become accustomed, and keep sharing!
Confession: no matter what time you are reading this, I am almost certainly
A) Still in bed
B) Still a li’l bit drunk
Now, now… don’t be jealous. There’s plenty of time for you to catch up! For today is Saturday, the most magical of days, when we “motivate” ourselves to stare down the week ahead and remember it’s only 168 hours ‘til next Saturday. So let’s get motivatilating!
Shit, wait. Okay, I’ve got a note here from Sober Me… apparently new readers (if you don’t already know what I’m about to say, you’re a New Reader) are required to click this here Not Exactly Motivational link, and read about what’s going on here. It’s not long or boring or anything, it just explains our Saturday tradition and why you don’t want to show this to boring people who don’t laugh at “terrible” jokes. You can go ahead and direct them to a fucking Ziggy cartoon or some shit, but not here, m’kay? But please show this and other NEM’s to all the really cool people you know—the collection can also be stalked/shared on Pinterest and Instagram, in case that’s your thing. Okay, I think that’s all the notes… except this one about not overdoing it—pfft, Sober Me is such a nag—and another one about going to bed early… oops.
What’s that word for when you don’t want to do a thing, you just want it to be done and to get credit for having done it? Because that’s been my primary emotional state since sometime Thursday. Let’s call it oerit, and it means “go away and leave me alone until 7pm on Friday, when you will present me with a glass of wine. Unless it’s to feed me and tell me I’m pretty. Actually, I’m pretty sure both of those can be done via email, so nevermind.”
But today is Saturday! We should be well past our oerit by now and into our nyahowanna.* To further ease you into your role as an unproductive member of whichever society you wish you could shun, I present this week’s “motivation.” For those of you who are new here and maybe don’t know why “motivation” is in quotes… you’re gonna want to hit the Not Exactly Motivational page (lookit that handy link!) for a full explanation. It’s for my protection as well as yours, really; can’t have people with a substandard sense of humor wandering in and telling us off for laughing and occasionally snorting irish coffee across our keyboards at “horrible” and “offensive” images, can we? For you really cool kids who already know all about it, just remember: you asked for this.
Saturday People—and I do think of you as a unique breed, you hardy folk who show up every Saturday and not only don’t flinch but like and comment*—I have heard your pleas, your cries for the old NEM, a return to the days of shock, horror, and a burst of nervous laughter before quickly closing out the tab lest someone see what manner of fuckery amuses you. You twisted little crullers, I love you!
But! If we are to abandon our recent fluffy bunny tactics it becomes extra-super-pinky-swear important that yon n00bs click the Not Exactly Motivational link and read the story of NEM, and what we do here, and why. Once I know for sure you’ve done that (and I’ll be able to tell, so quit trying to sneak past my awesome security, Alan. Yeah, I see you, so just click the link!) you may proceed along with all the really cool kids.
How is it Saturday again already? I mean, sorry to those of you who had another long sucky week, but I spent all of Wednesday arguing with people that it couldn’t really be Wednesday, so I’m feeling a little behind. Husband blames this on the amount of alcohol I drank on Tuesday but that doesn’t make any sense because I was drinking all day and everybody knows that’s how you avoid getting drunk. Tch, so much for his impressive Engineer Brain, right?
Anyway, enough calendars have assured me that it is Saturday so that means it’s time to “motivate” you like you’ve never been. If you’re new, or have that Memento thing where you don’t remember anything that happened before you got shot, or maybe you’re just a blackout drunk [waves] please be to clicking the Not Exactly Motivational link right there before continuing. I promise, you’re not too good for this—everyone else had to do it, it opens in another tab and takes you to all sorts of cool content once you’re indoctrinated informed. Also! Please note that NEM’s are posted on my Pinterest board (so you can horrify your knitting circle) and Instagram accounts on a timetable that I describe as “pretty quickly” but other people have guessed as more like “whenever she feels like it”. Other people are smartasses.
It’s Saturday again, and a holiday weekend… but it’s a cooking holiday… but it’s a drinking holiday, too. I’m conflicted, y’all. I have so many things to make for Tuesday but I also can’t wait to get drunk and watch the sparklies!
Note for non-USA readers: on Tuesday we will celebrate our independence from the British Empire by setting off colorful explosives that will do extensive damage to buildings, pets, and humans. Homes, limbs, and lives will be lost, but it’s cool because there’s beer and bratwurst and soooo much potato salad.
For those of you who plan on surviving the next week with all of your litigatin’ fingers intact, please make sure you’ve read up on the history and meaning of Not Exactly Motivational (just follow that link if you’re not sure). Please also follow me on Instagram as well as all the other the other stuff in the sidebar to keep up-to-date. If you’re planning to blow yourself or your children up, go ahead and skip it.
Just this once.