It’s Saturday, and if you’re me you’re:
- Still in bed
- Wishing you were still asleep, or that someone would at least bring you a glass of wine without judging you, oh my god when did everyone get so judgy?
But you’re not me, so the best I can hope for is that you’ve made me proud by refusing to wear pants.
New business: it has come to my attention that we’re getting more and more new visitors each week, which is good for me because someday I’ll figure out how to turn all of my ridiculous hobbies into a paying job instead of the fake one I’ve got now, but it also means that I need to really emphasize the importance of clicking the Not Exactly Motivational link (that one right there will do nicely, or there’s one at the top of every single page of my site; I can’t speak for other websites, but they should probably also start linking to that page, just in case) so that you fully understand what you’re getting into before you go on. Also, please share! NEM is now available on Instagram and Pinterest, but go spread the “motivation” wherever you think people need to learn how to laugh at truly horrible things. If all of that was old news to you, you may proceed as usual. But don’t be smug about it, okay? Unless you’re bringing me a damned mimosa, in which case you can pretty much do whatever you want.
Welcome back to another Saturday and another “motivational” edition of the internet’s favorite weekly tradition. I’m super-excited to dive right into it this week,* so let’s skip the long intro and go straight to the warnings and disclaimers, shall we?
If you have a heart condition, an underdeveloped sense of humor (diagnosed or otherwise), or are the sort of person who finds yourself writing comments, emails, tweets, or other tirades including the phrase “that’s not funny”, please click the Not Exactly Motivational link provided here or at the top of any page of this blog before proceeding. If you are a person who knows and loves NEM and all it stands for, please follow on Instagram, Pinterest, or whatever else I’ve forgotten to mention. Ooh, and share it! Just… share it all over the place. Because I’ve done 60 of these now, and I’m pretty sure that’s the magic number that makes me immune to prosecution. (If you happen to be a lawyer, please feel free to tell me what the actual magic number is, because I just made that up.)
A sunny Saturday to you, my lovelies! Now I know the sun was annoyingly persistent this morning but it had good reason: today is NEM Day, and even the sun looks forward to that.
I must preface this week’s “motivation” with an apology: I truly didn’t mean to stick with the same theme two weeks in a row, but sometimes I create an image and make a note to hold it back until something happens (it always does) to make the timing perfect for release. See? Totally out of my hands.
Not sure why I’m so concerned about possible upset? You’re clearly new—go ahead and click the Not Exactly Motivational link (found at the top of discerning pages across the internet). This is also the best way to catch up with all the old NEM posts if that’s all you want to see. If you’re looking for NEM plus some other stuff, like… whatever else I post, I’ll check in a sec*—go follow me on Instagram. If you already knew about all of that, then you already know what to do next—so go do it already!
Saturday is back, fulfilling the ancient prophecy and welcoming the cruelest of the old gods: Bilious, the oh god of hangovers.* If you’re not praying this morning, you didn’t do Friday right—try again tonight, and make me proud!
In the meantime, let’s get motivationalish! Yadda-yada, new people must click the Not Exactly Motivational link to catch up because we don’t let you ask questions otherwise; veteran followers must press the previously negotiated body parts against their webcams before continuing… standard stuff, I promise.
Fair warning: this may be the last ever NEM. Actually, it may be the last ever post from me on this blog or anywhere.
I am dying.
Oh, sure, the doctor gave me some bullshit antibiotics and claimed the mortality rate from sore throat and epic sinus drainage is quote, “very low,” but who are you going to believe: me or some guy who wastes his weekends at medical conferences?
On the off-chance that I survive, I should continue to protect myself from potential legal action and angry emails from fake lawyers by directing you to the Not Exactly Motivational page. Unless you’ve already seen that before, in which case you should just go on ahead. Unless you want to see a picture of the back of my throat, in which case… what’s wrong with you? But I do have one, because I’ve been showing it to Husband whenever he’s mean to me.*
We live in a world where Saturday comes only once a week, but they’re putting Pop Rocks in Oreos. The technology exists, we’re just not applying it correctly! On the other hand, I’ve got sugar grenades going boom in my mouth right now, so I’m not mad at the current balance; just sayin’ we could stand to apply ourselves a little better, that’s all.
You know what this world needs? Motivation! Wait, no, there’s plenty of that out there… we need “motivation”! If you don’t know the difference, it’s because you’re new and have yet to click the Not Exactly Motivational link, which you are now required to do, by law, in all 57 states. That’s right: I added a few when you weren’t looking. I was riding a sugar buzz like you would not believe.
If you know all about the difference but still feel like you’re missing out, it might be because you still haven’t followed me on Instagram. If you’re wondering where the last few exploding Oreos went, it’s because you are my husband and you don’t yet understand that if sugar exists in this house I will consume it. Both of these categories of person are encouraged to continue on to their weekly dose of “motivation” and then go buy me some Red Vines… I’m out of those too, inexplicably.
Congratulations on stumbling, sluggish and narrow-eyed, through another utterly useless week. Together we have accomplished little and mocked the rest, and that’s called living life to the fullest! According to Wikipedia and this handy map, most of us are spending this weekend either basking in the insufficient gifts of motherhood or stewing in guilt for said gifts. Hats off to those countries (see links above) who already got it out of the way. Me? I’m getting waffles and flowers and a whole day of “but we’re gonna do what I want to do, right?” Which is technically not all that different from any other day, but still! Waffles!
Maybe it’s all the rush flower deliveries and overbooked restaurants, but I’m sensing a greater-than-usual need for motivation among my people. Never fear, I’ve got another childhood classic all lined up for your motivational consumption. Unless you’re new, in which case you have to click the Not Exactly Motivational link—think of it as orientation. The rest of you may proceed normally.