We live in a world where Saturday comes only once a week, but they’re putting Pop Rocks in Oreos. The technology exists, we’re just not applying it correctly! On the other hand, I’ve got sugar grenades going boom in my mouth right now, so I’m not mad at the current balance; just sayin’ we could stand to apply ourselves a little better, that’s all.
You know what this world needs? Motivation! Wait, no, there’s plenty of that out there… we need “motivation”! If you don’t know the difference, it’s because you’re new and have yet to click the Not Exactly Motivational link, which you are now required to do, by law, in all 57 states. That’s right: I added a few when you weren’t looking. I was riding a sugar buzz like you would not believe.
If you know all about the difference but still feel like you’re missing out, it might be because you still haven’t followed me on Instagram. If you’re wondering where the last few exploding Oreos went, it’s because you are my husband and you don’t yet understand that if sugar exists in this house I will consume it. Both of these categories of person are encouraged to continue on to their weekly dose of “motivation” and then go buy me some Red Vines… I’m out of those too, inexplicably.
Congratulations on stumbling, sluggish and narrow-eyed, through another utterly useless week. Together we have accomplished little and mocked the rest, and that’s called living life to the fullest! According to Wikipedia and this handy map, most of us are spending this weekend either basking in the insufficient gifts of motherhood or stewing in guilt for said gifts. Hats off to those countries (see links above) who already got it out of the way. Me? I’m getting waffles and flowers and a whole day of “but we’re gonna do what I want to do, right?” Which is technically not all that different from any other day, but still! Waffles!
Maybe it’s all the rush flower deliveries and overbooked restaurants, but I’m sensing a greater-than-usual need for motivation among my people. Never fear, I’ve got another childhood classic all lined up for your motivational consumption. Unless you’re new, in which case you have to click the Not Exactly Motivational link—think of it as orientation. The rest of you may proceed normally.
Welcome back to another Saturday, and another magical edition of NEM: Childhood-Ruining Edition.
You guys, I’m having so much fun with this theme I actually had to double-check the legality of it all—because I know this shit’s not fattening; then I remembered that it’s probably immoral and it all made sense.
Confused? Well, that’s probably because you’re new here, poor thing! Let’s get you set up with a Not Exactly Motivational link—clicking is mandatory, but I assure you it’s for your own good and we all had to do it—so you can decide for yourself whether Saturdays are your cup of tea. That link will also take you to all the past NEM posts, though I am putting them out on Instagram as well, in case that appeals to you. For the fully initiated: continue in your usual fashion and “enjoy”
It’s Saturday! Again! Did anybody else have cookies for breakfast? Excellent—keep on living your best life.
This week, we’re starting something new—hidden after the jump, of course. Those of you who have been here before can carry on as usual, but if you’re new, I do need you to click the Not Exactly Motivational link to catch up. From there, you’ll get a full explanation of what we’re doing and why, along with links to all the past Saturday posts (you can also follow me on Instagram to catch up, if that’s your thing).
Omigod, you guys.
This is the 52nd weekly installment of NEM Saturday. Do you know what that means?
I’ve been doing this for a whole year and I haven’t been arrested yet.
No death threats, either, which makes me think you’re not sharing these posts widely enough. Hmmm…
Whatever, no time to worry about that now, because we’ve got to hurry on to today’s uh-may-zing “motivation” and then… onward to the next phase! Because, oh yes, I’ve got something “special” planned for the next few weeks.
If you’re not frightened by that promise, then you need to click the Not Exactly Motivational link (that one right there will do nicely) and read up on just what the hell we do ‘round here every weekend—you might even be inspired to go find these treasures on Instagram, and that’s just fine. If, on the other hand, you felt your stomach (or other bits) clench in terror at the thought of what new fuckery my warped little brain has produced… well, you’re clear to proceed.
So much happened this week, I think we all really need a Saturday. Myself, I need a better recipe for whiskey fudge—the last batch came out way too soft and gooey, though after a few pieces I was too sauced to care. Somebody hook me up in the comments, m’kay?
Meanwhile, let’s get to some motivatin’—because that’s how we do around here, of a saturday. We motivate. Well, “motivate,” anyway.
If you’re new enough to have no idea why “motivate” needs airquotes, the Not Exactly Motivational link is for you! That’s also the place to catch up on past NEM’s, in case you’re still interested after reading what we’re about here. Oh, and I’m posting them on Instagram daily, so if you don’t mind having your family know that you find this sort of thing hilarious while they’re finding out what you ate for lunch, go check that out.
On this, the occasion of our 50th Saturday together, I would like you to consider something: as you sit, wherever you are, reading this?
I’m probably not wearing pants.
Offspring starts spring break soon, and that means that I’m going to soak up every second of “me” time that I possibly can, and if that means I have to hide in the bedroom with the excuse of “go away, I’m not wearing pants!” then So. Be. It.
If you’ve just arrived, welcome to the madness! You’ll need to click the Not Exactly Motivational link and acquaint yourself with our little Saturday tradition before you can move on, and you may also want to follow me on Instagram so you can see the past being leaked there daily… For the rest of you, who were likely not surprised by my no-pants plan, please continue on in your usual fashion.