Hello and welcome to Saturday, the only day of the week where we open our eyes and seriously question our life choices.
I mean, some of you are probably doing that other days as well, but on Saturdays you have the luxury of staying in bed while you do it!
As is our custom, we will begin by sussing out the fresh meat; If you’ve no idea why it’s so important to me (and my future legal team) that new readers be identified before they continue any further, you aren’t familiar enough with the glorious history of Not Exactly Motivational posts to continue without clicking that link. But! As a reward, when you come back from catching up on the (quick) story and all the past posts? You’ll be one of the cool kids and you’ll know that our current theme is beloved children’s stories. The rest of you may proceed in the usual fashion.
I’ve got gore on my mind, y’all.
You’ve been warned.
If you’re here looking for Saturday “motivation,” you’ve come to the right place! If you have no idea why “motivation” is in quotes, or why there’s a warning above it, you’re new and need to be properly indoctrinated—materials are available at your friendly neighborhood Not Exactly Motivational link. Once you’re all caught up and officially One Of Us, you can come back. We’ll wait.
Good morning,* Saturday “motivation” seekers! Last night was my first night of haunting in almost a year, so I’m still sleeping it off… in fact, I had to write this up and schedule it before I left, so everyone cross your fingers and wish really hard that it went well and plenty of people paid good money for their tickets only to quit after wetting themselves in fear.
This week, I’m continuing my flagrant abuse of the malpracticing Dr. Seuss, because I wanted to keep up my theme of quotes from beloved children’s stories and… you know, most of his prose just sends my brain to a dark and Halloween-y place, frankly. If you’ve got no clue why that’s a thing or what such rubbish would be doing on a blog ostensibly devoted to… let’s see… wow. Actual conversations with my husband? Goodness, I should really stop talking to that guy if I’ve made an entire blog out of mocking him, right? Whatever. If you’re as confused as I am, go ahead and click this here Not Exactly Motivational link. You can also find one at the top of any page of the blog—right near the About Us page, if you’re so used to this fuckery that you’ve forgotten what I’m supposed to be doing the rest of the week. I know I have. Then continue in the usual fashion; bonus points if you remember what those sharing buttons at the bottom are for!
Saturday, thank god you’ve finally arrived. I don’t know how much longer I could have continued to procrastinate and ignore my to-do pile!
Fortunately for you regular readers, Saturday is our day of “motivation,” in which we gather the strength to face the week ahead so that we might continue to do fuck-all. If this is news to you, please acquaint yourself with the Not Exactly Motivational page—by clicking that link—then meet us back here and every week hereafter. Probably. I mean, this is the one thing I haven’t slacked on, but I’ve been warned that past performance isn’t a reliable indicator of potential, so it’s entirely possible that one of these weeks you’ll visit the site to find pictures of babies in flower baskets or some shit.
The days are getting shorter, yet the weeks aren’t going by any faster. What kind of bullshit system is that? We had one cold snap that caused a few trees to change color, then everything leveled out so it doesn’t even look particularly autumnal out there anyway—especially with my lawn-obsessed neighbor who immediately clears every leaf from his yard. My view is the greenest in the neighborhood, and it’s really killing my seasonal vibe.
You know what I need? “Motivation!”
Quick refresher: this is a thing, our thing, our super-secret-only-not-really thing that we do every Saturday and have done for over a year now; we call it Not Exactly Motivational and there’s a whole page that explains the history and philosophy, which you can reach by clicking that there link; I do not link to these on the facebook or my twitter, so the only way to find out about it is to actually wander over to the site and click on a Saturday, or to be directed here by someone who thinks you are really cool and have an advanced sense of humor; sharing is encouraged but not mandatory, and even I have been talked into sharing these little horrors on Instagram and Pinterest, but the rest is up to you! Now, if you’ve already read all about the noble history of NEM and our theme and are aaaalll caught up because this is not your first rodeo, you may click below. If not, no cheating! Go back and do it right; we’ll still be here when you get back.
My loyal lovelies, I wish you were here with me now.
Well, not right now. I mean, not literally. Because when this posts, I’ll be in bed and it’s not quite flannel pajama season if you catch my drift.
But right now while I’m writing this post? I have my creepy Halloween playlist going (the first one, the mixed bag—I added an all-instrumental version this year but it’s missing the chains, howls, and screams) and the atmosphere is too good not to share.* But! I look at the calendar and note that the grinchy among you would allow me a mere four Saturdays in which to get proper ghoulish if I held off until October. Does that sound right? Or fair?
Shut up, we’re doing it my way. For clarification of all terms and conditions of Not Exactly Motivational Saturdays, go ahead and click that link. Then, when you’re fully braced and prepared, read on! But don’t forget to share the childlike joy of these motivative moments with literally everyone you know. Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Twitter… that’s all fine but don’t forget about the personal touch! Is it time to renew your license? Because I can’t imagine anyone at the DMV wouldn’t want to see what’s behind the jump.
It has been said that NEM Saturday is—brace yourselves—not exactly motivational.
You’re not saying it, obviously. You’re motivatilated like woah at the mere thought of what’s coming—so much so that some of you jumped ahead to the image and are only now circling back to read the intro I so thoughtfully write for you.
But the naysayers must be silenced! So I have put together a “motivational” image so… something… that it even contains the word “motivation.”
Because I’m dedicated. Committed.* I cannot be stopped.**
You’re either with me or against me, and—hang on, raise your hands if you even know why we’re here? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Okay, new kids: click this here Not Exactly Motivational link and educate yourselves. Don’t worry, the rest of us will keep busy while you’re doing that… for example, are the rest of you remembering to check for NEM magic on Instagram and Pinterest? Are you sharing the motivelocity? Santa is watching, and he thinks I’m hilarious.