Chapter Fifteen: The End

 

Deserve is the most useless word in our language, and should be removed from the common lexicon.

 

I’ve been reading and hearing it a lot lately;

  • You didn’t deserve to be treated like that.
  • You deserved better parents.
  • I don’t deserve to be spoken to like that.
  • I deserve to know.
  • I deserve to choose.

 

But here’s the thing: that word doesn’t matter.  Deserving something, believing you deserve it, having hoards of people say you deserve it, doesn’t change shit.

 

You get what you get.

 

As my father used to point out to me on a near-daily basis: life isn’t fair.

 

Don’t stop now – keep reading!

Fur is the New Black

 

I just checked my stats this week, and I’ve got some bad news.

 

Statistically speaking, we are not friends.

 

I mean, obviously I love you because you take time out of your day to come here and read about me—my favorite topic in the world, thankyouverymuch—but there’s no denying that I don’t know and have never met an estimated 99.993% of you.*

 

Woman concentrates while equations flash

Math.  Not even once.

 

Don’t stop now – keep reading!

WTB Farm

 

I have plenty of complaints—and the usual Actual Conversation,™ but first I need to update you on a critical issue.

 

One I’m sure—if you’re a regular around here—has been on your mind of late.  Probably keeping you from working (you’re welcome) or even getting a good night’s sleep (I’m sorry).

 

Because I know you’ve been deeply concerned for a certain member of my family.

 

John Stewart (hosting The Daily Show) eating popcorn while he stares, wide-eyed, at something

 

Don’t stop now – keep reading!

Stuffing Fluffies

 

Sometimes I swear he says shit just to get a reaction out of me.

Barney Stinson "Whaaaaaat?!"

And by “reaction” I mean get me to blog about him.  So he can be Internet Famous.  Which makes you all his enablers.  Not me—I’m his wife, and legally obligated to support his bullshit for as long as it amuses me to do so—but y’all need to do some deep thinkin’ about what sort of behavior you want to encourage in the people who design the things that fly over your damned heads all day long.

 

Don’t stop now – keep reading!

Ask Your Travel Agent

 

There are two things I can always count on in my own home; two principles by which I survive each treacherous day amongst the meth ghosts and kamikaze squirrels.

 

  1. Even the animals are working against me.
  2. I am married to a man who is determined to find humor in everything but particularly delights in my everyday vexation.

 

As you are no doubt itching for an example—and I happen to have one handy—let’s continue to waste time together.  Can’t have you working just because you’re on the clock, now can we?

 

Don’t stop now – keep reading!