So Husband got me watching The Magicians.
I know. I know. I’m late to all the parties. It’s because it takes me so long to do my makeup.
And because he tells me the wrong time.
Confession: no matter what time you are reading this, I am almost certainly
A) Still in bed
B) Still a li’l bit drunk
Now, now… don’t be jealous. There’s plenty of time for you to catch up! For today is Saturday, the most magical of days, when we “motivate” ourselves to stare down the week ahead and remember it’s only 168 hours ‘til next Saturday. So let’s get motivatilating!
Shit, wait. Okay, I’ve got a note here from Sober Me… apparently new readers (if you don’t already know what I’m about to say, you’re a New Reader) are required to click this here Not Exactly Motivational link, and read about what’s going on here. It’s not long or boring or anything, it just explains our Saturday tradition and why you don’t want to show this to boring people who don’t laugh at “terrible” jokes. You can go ahead and direct them to a fucking Ziggy cartoon or some shit, but not here, m’kay? But please show this and other NEM’s to all the really cool people you know—the collection can also be stalked/shared on Pinterest and Instagram, in case that’s your thing. Okay, I think that’s all the notes… except this one about not overdoing it—pfft, Sober Me is such a nag—and another one about going to bed early… oops.
You guys, we just got the most hilarious letter from my crazy, passive-aggressive mother-in-law, and Husband gave me permission to share it with you because he loves you almost as much as I do.
You remember our friends Jake and Kira, right? Well Kira messaged me a few weeks ago with an intriguing question: would I like to join then in an escape room as a surprise for Jake’s birthday?
Now, my immediate response was confusion, because Jake’s birthday was six months ago, but Kira insisted that was what made it surprising; I was immediately on board because that’s brilliant. Also, escape room? Yes please!
What’s that word for when you don’t want to do a thing, you just want it to be done and to get credit for having done it? Because that’s been my primary emotional state since sometime Thursday. Let’s call it oerit, and it means “go away and leave me alone until 7pm on Friday, when you will present me with a glass of wine. Unless it’s to feed me and tell me I’m pretty. Actually, I’m pretty sure both of those can be done via email, so nevermind.”
But today is Saturday! We should be well past our oerit by now and into our nyahowanna.* To further ease you into your role as an unproductive member of whichever society you wish you could shun, I present this week’s “motivation.” For those of you who are new here and maybe don’t know why “motivation” is in quotes… you’re gonna want to hit the Not Exactly Motivational page (lookit that handy link!) for a full explanation. It’s for my protection as well as yours, really; can’t have people with a substandard sense of humor wandering in and telling us off for laughing and occasionally snorting irish coffee across our keyboards at “horrible” and “offensive” images, can we? For you really cool kids who already know all about it, just remember: you asked for this.
You may have noticed I have no filter.
Hopefully, this is one of the things you love about me. If not, this post is about to get real uncomfortable for ya.
Here’s why it takes me so long to get ready in the morning. Let’s assume that I need to leave at 7:30, and have decided to wake up at 6am. The night before, I set an alarm for 5:40. Watch what happens.