Ask Your Travel Agent

 

There are two things I can always count on in my own home; two principles by which I survive each treacherous day amongst the meth ghosts and kamikaze squirrels.

 

  1. Even the animals are working against me.
  2. I am married to a man who is determined to find humor in everything but particularly delights in my everyday vexation.

 

As you are no doubt itching for an example—and I happen to have one handy—let’s continue to waste time together.  Can’t have you working just because you’re on the clock, now can we?

 

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Complicated

 

Friends, I hate to do this to you again but I don’t have a funny today.

 

Husband is fine.  I’m… physically healthy.  I’m sat right here[1] on the couch beside him watching him get murdered by dinosaurs in pursuit of… other dinosaurs.  It should be a lovely evening but I’ve got a migraine and a tummy full of knots from a full day of crying and drama and more crying.

 

It was a hell of a weekend and I find all I really want in this crazy fucked-up world is to tell you about it.

 

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Captain Marvel: My Favorite DELETED SCENES

 

Captan Marvel poster featuring Captain Marvel, Nick Fury, and Yon-Rogg against a backdrop of futuristic cities, modern human jets, and explosions in space

 

Set aside your fears of girl power* and grunge, because the time has come to reveal my favorite deleted scenes from Captain Marvel, a film which features:

 

 

 

As always, these are deleted scenes, so if you haven’t seen the film yet (totally understandable, I won’t judge… unless you wait another week, then I’m judging you like woah) you won’t find any spoilers here.

 

I still haven’t forgiven Jake for spoiling The Force Awakens;*** I would never do that to you.

 

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Umami

 

Our actual anniversary is in December, which is perfect for us because of my love for the holiday season, hot chocolate, and letting other people throw my party.*

Courtney Cox saying, "I can't say 'no' to tequila"

It would be rude.

But spring—according to some dead poets—is the season of rebirth and romance.  I’ve never noticed, because I have eyeballs and can see that the trees are still bare and everything is dripping, but maybe all the Great Poets are blind?**

 

Regardless, spring is more or less here and I—in the spring of my fifteenth year of marriage to a man who tricked me into marrying him—am realizing I still don’t know him at all.

 

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Flat Earth

 

One of our favorite things—which you’d probably never guess unless you really know us—is stupid people and the shit they do for our entertainment.

 

Specifically, we will mockwatch* conspiracy shows,** documentaries about epic failure… whatever Netflix generously provides for our consumption.  (And it’s a lot.  Someone go thank them for all the good work they do—I’m busy drunk watching some bridezilla bitches scream about sequins)

 

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