Sleeping with Stupid

 

I’m home alone, and really dealing with it surprisingly well, all things considered.

 

I mean, I may have hit the craft store a little hard but in my defense THEY EMAIL ME COUPONS.  What am I supposed to do, not take advantage of a super-awesome limited-time sales event?

 

Pshh.

 

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Scattered

 

Offspring is in Afghanistan.

 

ME:  How’s it going?
OFFSPRING:  Pretty shitty day, actually.  It’s raining, long shift… and I had to enact the River City protocol.
ME:  What’s that?
OFFSPRING:  Shut down internet.  Because someone died.  Someone I was literally just talking to.
ME:  … I’m so sorry, hon.

(we talk about this for a while; him clearly still in shock and sleep-deprived, me gamely hiding my own tears of sympathy and relief that it wasn’t my boy)

ME:  Wait a minute… if there’s no internet, how are you calling me?
OFFSPRING:  Oh, it was on the other side.  Plus…  I’m on dirty internet.
ME:  …
OFFSPRING:  ‘s technically illegal, but I ran it myself, in my own room, so it’s fine.
ME:  … I love you, kid.
OFFSPRING:  What’re they gonna do, right?

 

Woman kneeling in front of child says, "I'm a proud mom"

 

Husband is in Taiwan.

 

HIM:  They took us out for dinner.
ME:  (sleepily, I am 13 hours behind)  Mmmh?
HIM:  To a “traditional Chinese restaurant.”
ME:  … Oh.
HIM:  Yeah.  The second course was some sort of tofu with a fish sauce.
ME:  Oh honey… I’m sorry.
HIM:  I didn’t know about the fish sauce until I took that first bite.[1]
ME:  (nodding)  Because you’re in a place where fish is so ubiquitous they don’t even think of it as an ingredient.[2]
HIM:  So now not only do I not like tofu because of the texture—
ME:  Okay, I keep telling you—
HIM:  But now the last time I had it there was fish sauce and I got sick.
ME:  … Right.  But the texture thing: tofu has a lot of textures.  There’s no one specific texture that’s “tofu.”
HIM:  But that’s part of the problem!
ME:  … (considers possibility that I’m actually still asleep)

(Will and Grace) Karen holds out hand, says to Jack, "I'm to tired to slap you. Bash your face against my palm, would ya?"

 

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Aaaalll By Myself

 

all by myself

 

Day One go off to a GREAT start, you guys. Seriously. Stellar.

I got lost on my way to the grocery store. The one right by my house, the one I go to all the goddamned time. I was maybe a mile away from home and suddenly I was taking a wrong turn and found myself on that weird circular street in my town that just goes around and around the circular park. (There’s an egg-shaped park, too, but I don’t think it was that one)
So I pulled over and asked my phone to help me find the nice place with the people who have the carrot muffins and the good yogurt, and the instructions were: “Take your third left; your destination is right in front of you.”

Bitchy phone, getting smart with me when I’m tired.

 

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