Potato Eyes

 

Husband’s godawful cat has declared war on my sleeping hours, and I’m pretty sure the things she’s doing would shock even the most depraved dictator. 

 

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Dear Missouri,

 

What did I ever do to you?  Yes, fine, I mock everything that crosses my path and a lesser state might assume* when I move in that it’s only a matter of time.  But so far I’m finding your people delightful, your greenery lush, yet varied and thus not oppressive, (I’m looking at you, pacific northwest) and your food worth crowing about.  Sure, the cheese is… questionable… but it’s easy enough to avoid and thus I’ve not said one unkind word even though I’ve been warned about terrible taxes, can’t get on a plane with my new driver’s license, and everything has taken longer than it should have because of your weird bureaucracies and local customs. 

 

Side note: this house has no toilet paper holders.  When I pointed it out to Scott (when he came by to do the paperwork on our first day) he said, “here in Missouri we like to hold our paper products, keep ‘em safe.”  Now, I know, and y’all know, that he was full of shit and making excuses for why this janky-ass haunted house doesn’t have a proper place to set your toilet paper roll (there are also no towel bars, in case you’re curious) but he said it with such sincerity, and with such an easy gesture—as though he were cuddling his toilet paper—that for a moment I did wonder.

 

But back to you, Missouri.  What is your deal?  How the fuck long is your summer?

 

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Bedroom Stuff

 

I woke up this morning—as I do most mornings, honestly—to a call from my friend Alexis.  Yes, I’m one of those people who talks to her long-distance bestie almost every day.  I know, you wish you were her but that’s not what we’re here to talk about so please try to contain your envy at this woman who not only gets her updates more than twice a week but has an uncanny knack for calling me when I’m naked.

speachless stick guy meme

 

I have a point and I’d like to get to it, if you don’t mind.

 

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I Can’t Sleep With Duke Ellington

 

confused man looking up

Where is she going with this?

 

Those of you who are not married to engineers don’t really understand what it is to live with one.  Moreover, I’m not sure you can fully appreciate just how different their brains are from normal brains. 

But it’s okay, because I have, right here, a story that will explain – in the example format you so love – exactly what sets the bulk of humanity here and engineers somewhere way over there.

 

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Gone in 90 Seconds

 

In the midst of all the Halloweening, I totally forgot to mention that we got the results of Husband’s sleep study!

 

Oh, it was a glorious day.  And not only because I figured out how to make my phone do some cool new tricks: it now silences a call when I flip it screen-down, wakes up immediately when I pick it up from a table (no swipe to unlock!) and immediately goes to sleep if I set it screen-down on a table.

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