Artificial Sadism Explained

 

I just want to note that nobody—not one of you—asked if I got to the airport safely.

SUV's driving five-abreast can't negotiate a turn and roll down the embankment, one bursting into flames (from The Simpsons) Caption reads, (tires screeching) (people screaming)

 

I mean, obviously I did, but… where’s the love?

 

Especially since, according to the demon box, my city has been under a flood warning every single day for almost two weeks.*

 

But the drive itself was uneventful.

 

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Something About Fudge

 

Audrey’s famous Friendsmas party and cookie exchange is this weekend, which means we’ve got a sitter for the pets (a new one—you know her, actually… she’s the cultist from this story and sometimes I think they like her more than me) and we’re making the drive up to Wisconsin.  Which seems like a lot for a one day event, but you’ve never had those amazing truffles my new mom makes.

 

(HIMYM) Ted and Marshall singing "I Would Walk 500 Miles" in the car

 

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His Fluffer

 

As I mentioned last week, my friend’s epic birthday party gave us an excuse for a mini road trip. 

 

I know some people avoid long drives, but our relationship more or less began in the car—that sounded dirty, but I swear only everything else I say is—and so for us a long drive is like a repeat of that first date.

 

Which is why I’m not going to tell you about Audrey’s party—you’ll get nothing from me on the beautiful food (tapas, because she’s adulting on a whole ‘nother level) or how drunk I got or the demonstrations from an even drunker ER nurse that had us all laughing until someone spilled red wine (which was weird, because we were all drinking vodka.)

 

Instead, I want to share yet another of our car convos, because I feel we are at our most us when we’re trapped in a car all day. 

 

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The GPS Strategem

 

Some marriages rot from within – I’ve seen it happen, due to lack of communication or fundamental conflict of values, deep underlying resentments – some are sabotaged by “friends” or family members who honestly believe they’re working in the best interests of one or both parties.

 

I have come to the conclusion that there is a GPS conspiracy, hard at work against my marriage.

 

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