Scattered

 

Offspring is in Afghanistan.

 

ME:  How’s it going?
OFFSPRING:  Pretty shitty day, actually.  It’s raining, long shift… and I had to enact the River City protocol.
ME:  What’s that?
OFFSPRING:  Shut down internet.  Because someone died.  Someone I was literally just talking to.
ME:  … I’m so sorry, hon.

(we talk about this for a while; him clearly still in shock and sleep-deprived, me gamely hiding my own tears of sympathy and relief that it wasn’t my boy)

ME:  Wait a minute… if there’s no internet, how are you calling me?
OFFSPRING:  Oh, it was on the other side.  Plus…  I’m on dirty internet.
ME:  …
OFFSPRING:  ‘s technically illegal, but I ran it myself, in my own room, so it’s fine.
ME:  … I love you, kid.
OFFSPRING:  What’re they gonna do, right?

 

Woman kneeling in front of child says, "I'm a proud mom"

 

Husband is in Taiwan.

 

HIM:  They took us out for dinner.
ME:  (sleepily, I am 13 hours behind)  Mmmh?
HIM:  To a “traditional Chinese restaurant.”
ME:  … Oh.
HIM:  Yeah.  The second course was some sort of tofu with a fish sauce.
ME:  Oh honey… I’m sorry.
HIM:  I didn’t know about the fish sauce until I took that first bite.[1]
ME:  (nodding)  Because you’re in a place where fish is so ubiquitous they don’t even think of it as an ingredient.[2]
HIM:  So now not only do I not like tofu because of the texture—
ME:  Okay, I keep telling you—
HIM:  But now the last time I had it there was fish sauce and I got sick.
ME:  … Right.  But the texture thing: tofu has a lot of textures.  There’s no one specific texture that’s “tofu.”
HIM:  But that’s part of the problem!
ME:  … (considers possibility that I’m actually still asleep)

(Will and Grace) Karen holds out hand, says to Jack, "I'm to tired to slap you. Bash your face against my palm, would ya?"

 

Don’t stop now – keep reading!

Advertisements

My Liar

 

Though we haven’t met, we’ve been together long enough now that you’ve formed certain impressions of me.

 

You are, for example, aware of my flair for the dramatic.

woman flailing on floor wailing, "I haven't eaten since BREAKFAST! I ONLY HAD A POPTART!"

 

You might have correctly assumed, from my passionate departure from the world each autumn, that dressing up and doing creepy shit is literally what keeps my heart beating.

Morticia Addams: "Life is not all lovely thorns and singing vultures, you know"

 

Thus you are forgiven your surprise at the following factoid: I have never attended a murder mystery.

 

Correction: I hadn’t.  Until Audrey hosted one.*

 

Don’t stop now – keep reading!

It’s My Birfday!

 

I noticed none of you mentioned, but this weekend is a Very Special weekend.  Some might argue—quite rightly—that it’s the most special weekend in the whole calendar year.  And you were just going to let it go completely unremarked-upon.

 

Y’all.

 

IT’S MAH BIRTHDAY WEEKEND!!!

Eelke Kleijn in confetti shower

 

That’s right, it’s that magical time of year when we celebrate the miracle that is me*.  And this year we’re righting an ancient wrong

 

Don’t stop now – keep reading!

Something About Fudge

 

Audrey’s famous Friendsmas party and cookie exchange is this weekend, which means we’ve got a sitter for the pets (a new one—you know her, actually… she’s the cultist from this story and sometimes I think they like her more than me) and we’re making the drive up to Wisconsin.  Which seems like a lot for a one day event, but you’ve never had those amazing truffles my new mom makes.

 

(HIMYM) Ted and Marshall singing "I Would Walk 500 Miles" in the car

 

Don’t stop now – keep reading!

His Fluffer

 

As I mentioned last week, my friend’s epic birthday party gave us an excuse for a mini road trip. 

 

I know some people avoid long drives, but our relationship more or less began in the car—that sounded dirty, but I swear only everything else I say is—and so for us a long drive is like a repeat of that first date.

 

Which is why I’m not going to tell you about Audrey’s party—you’ll get nothing from me on the beautiful food (tapas, because she’s adulting on a whole ‘nother level) or how drunk I got or the demonstrations from an even drunker ER nurse that had us all laughing until someone spilled red wine (which was weird, because we were all drinking vodka.)

 

Instead, I want to share yet another of our car convos, because I feel we are at our most us when we’re trapped in a car all day. 

 

Don’t stop now – keep reading!