vs. The Vacuum

 

What with one thing and another, we’ve been making heavy use of professional pet sitters recently (I found a service that lets me book online, without ever speaking to another human, but still sends the same actual human every time to take care of my furry darlings; basically, it’s the antisocial control-freak’s ideal and every business should adopt this model) which exposed a few unkempt corners around the house as well as kicking up a few dustbunnies within my psyche.

 

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So. Many. Updates!

 

Let’s start today with something good: I have a clean front door—no gross sign!

 

crowd of The Simpsons characters cheering on the sidewalk

 

The inspection was actually before Christmas, but there was a lot going on at the same time and what with one thing and another I didn’t get around to telling you.  Partly because—in the manner we’ve come to expect from Sham Property Management Inc, LLC—even after the house “passed” and everything was “done” the final step took for goddamned ever.

 

I’ve got some possible Meth Ghost news to get to, so I won’t bore you with the details.*

 

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An Un-fun Update, But With Lube

 

Apologies in advance: this is more of an update, and probably not at all funny.  Something funny did happen and I do want to tell you about it, but I also want to keep you current on things that… well, you know.  So if you’re only here for the funny, go ahead and click off now, or re-read this post, which still makes Husband laugh.  I won’t judge.

(Mad Men) Joan Holloway, arms crossed, giving you a super-judgy once-over

Maybe just a little… 

 

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Scaring Myself

 

If you know me at all—and you’re here now, so you might as well settle in and learn somethin’—you know this is my time.

halloween season

 

Which is to say I’ve been getting crazy busy with other things lately and totally neglected to explain how it was that I came to have someone in my house while I was catching up on housework while listening to my two soul mates tell me about all the ways I’m totally going to get murdered.*

screenshot of tweet reads, "Finally got someone 'round to fix a few things, and now I've got a strange man in my house making odd noises while I listen to @MyFavMurder and FREAK THE FUCK OUT every time he pops around the corner or bumps something. #excellentdecisions

 

 

Let me catch you up a li’l, k?

 

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Actually, He’s a Dick

 

I know you’ve been waiting to hear about all the exciting repairs going on around my house but I’ve got to be honest with you: I’m still trying to get them to understand that having a door that doesn’t open is a BIG FUCKING DEAL.

Crazy Pills

 

Seriously—and here I’m going to deviate from my intended topic, which is the Official Inspection, to tell you about the “handyman” they sent by to deal with: 1) a back door that doesn’t open, 2) a gate that doesn’t close, and 3) an outlet that doesn’t work. 

 

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My Meth Ghosts

 

Screenshot of Messenger conversation; I complain about ghost stuff and how Husband doesn't believe but Audrey would, Audrey replies, "Science isn't real. Ghosts are."

 

 

You see that shit right there?  THAT is why Audrey is a good friend.

 

Husband, on the other hand, is a jerkface an engineer and keeps arguing this point with me.

 

I’m about to invite every single one of you over so you can walk around this house and feel how fucking haunted it is.*  Because Husband is full of explanations for everything: I hear voices because of dog toys or the neighbors’ stereos, and I’m not used to the reflective properties of all this brick and tile after our last house (admittedly 80% wood) and I’m just scaring myself… blah, blah, blah.

 

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