It’s time for y’all to get to know me better.
Things you already knew:
- My name is Chase
- I married an Engineer
- I don’t have a zoo yet, but I really want one
- My favorite color is glitter
I know you’ve been waiting to hear about all the exciting repairs going on around my house but I’ve got to be honest with you: I’m still trying to get them to understand that having a door that doesn’t open is a BIG FUCKING DEAL.
Seriously—and here I’m going to deviate from my intended topic, which is the Official Inspection, to tell you about the “handyman” they sent by to deal with: 1) a back door that doesn’t open, 2) a gate that doesn’t close, and 3) an outlet that doesn’t work.
You see that shit right there? THAT is why Audrey is a good friend.
Husband, on the other hand, is a jerkface an engineer and keeps arguing this point with me.
I’m about to invite every single one of you over so you can walk around this house and feel how fucking haunted it is.* Because Husband is full of explanations for everything: I hear voices because of dog toys or the neighbors’ stereos, and I’m not used to the reflective properties of all this brick and tile after our last house (admittedly 80% wood) and I’m just scaring myself… blah, blah, blah.
I know, I probably should have reported in right away on Friday. But, in my defense, I could barely move.
Off the couch.
My husband kept bringing me snacks and pressing Play. And doing that thing where he makes himself a perfect pillow while petting my hair.
I cannot be expected to write under those conditions!
Summer, we are told, is DIY season. So is fall, apparently? They air the same commercial for every season, but the gist of it is that you should always be doing something to work on your home. I’m mostly down with that, since we’ve got so very much to fix in this house – I’ve shown you the wallpaper, but I’m ashamed to show you the full range of carpets; that should tell you something about the level of ugly. We’ve also got the usual furniture buying to do, which is complicated by the fact that I hate almost everything I’ve ever found, regardless of price point. The world is full of things that are not what I want, and tables that are made for short people.
In other words, we still don’t have a dining set, and are eating in the breakfast room.
When we bought this house, like most first-time homeowners, we saw nothing but potential. We saw the tall original windows, the large rooms and convenient (for us, for others it’s a weird maze with too many doors) layout, and our brains automatically overwrote all the ugly because we were certain that it would all be “easy enough to fix.”
Heh. Tiles are not a small issue. Also, in case it ever comes up in your life: a pink bathtub is not a small issue. Nor is the pink sink and the pink toilet that go with it. I am not even kidding about these things. And then they leaked.
I’ve made no secret of my love for all holidays here, and especially Halloween. So it will come as no surprise to you that, when I found out about an actual haunted boat tour I became determined to go.