11 Stocking Stuffers I’d be THRILLED to Receive (or Give!)

 

I don’t know how things work in your family, but in this house stockings are Santa’s responsibility.

about a billion (or at least 16) stockings hung on a mantle

I’m not made of money, dammit!

 

That said, there’s nothing wrong with helping the big guy out once in a while.  The way I see it, the less effort he has to put into everyone else’s stockings the more time he has to devote to my gifts.

me with my red and green hair

The real reason for the season.

It is with this philosophy in mind that I give you the following excellent—and compact!—gift ideas

 

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Best Care Package EVER

 

I have no way of knowing how many of you are in a position to send care packages, but I highly recommend it.

mail package, wrapped in craft paper and tied with twine; express stickers and stamps cover every surface

Sure, shipping costs will amount to more than the value of the actual items, but it’s the easiest way I’ve found to become a hero to someone you love (and a lot of people you’ll never meet.)

 

I, naturally, put together the Best Care Package Evah for Offspring.  I meticulously listed and photographed everything as I put it in the giant box, with the intent that he would photograph the condition of his treats on arrival and we could then report on which items ship best and which you could maybe pass on in favor of something more durable.

 

He opened the box in front of them.

terrifying (possibly armored?) pirhanna hoard attacks YOU

 

Most everything was gone within the hour.

 

So copy my list at your own risk!  And be aware that if you send The Best Care Package Evah your loved one might not get any of the actual treats.

 

Unless, maybe, they live with humans and not wolverines.

blanket of packing peanuts in box

Shall we dive in?

 

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2018 Search Terms—The Final Countdown

 

Offspring is sat next to me, waiting for me to hurry this one along so I can go die in front of him.  Again.

 

Oh, did I not mention one of my favorite Christmas gifts?  I got many things I’ve been wanting, and Husband is no doubt a little butthurt that his outstanding choices in the video game department (Spiro and We Happy Few are currently burning a hole on my shelf) are not seeing any action due to Offspring’s breakout hit, Ark.

screenshot from Ark: Survival Evolved video game shows rocky, mountainous landscape with saddled dinosaurs bearing humans across the rough terrain while winged dinos swoop and glide overhead

I’d heard of this game yet somehow didn’t insist on owning it.  There’s so much wrong with me.

 

Holy shit, I am now taming and riding (and yes, hunting) actual dinosaurs!  Lucy Grove Jones, I think of you every time something adorable pounces me and feasts on my entrails.

 

Anyway, we’ve decided that the best thing would be for me to make my way to someplace called Herbivore Island… which really should be a viable start location but apparently that’s not the way the game is meant to go.  Death is an integral part of the experience, and you must die a minimum of 817 times before you accomplish anything.  Also, I’m still waiting to get güd. 

 

So.  I need a quick, lazy post for New Year’s Day.   Quite the challenge… unless, of course, someone out there has been exceptionally generous with their googling!

 

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2017 Year In Review

 

It’s 2018!  Holy shit, we’re more than halfway through the first quarter of the 21st century!  Time is just flying, and—it must be said—some of you are getting old.

 

Not me, of course, but some of you.  Which is weird for me to watch, but I’m trying to be gracious about it.  Me, I just throw things at Offspring when I’m blaring Aerosmith (kitchen cleanup goes so much nicer with a classic rock playlist—try it!) and he says, “This is Nirvanna, right?”  Then he says we wouldn’t have this argument if I’d listen to music less than 150 years old, and I remind him who taught him to love Meatloaf and Bon Jovi and we agree to a truce because it’s not possible to keep fighting while you’re belting out Living on a Prayer.

 

LOTR Boromir meme "One does not simply stop singing Livin' on a Prayer"

 

 

Where were we?  Riiiight… 2018.  which means that 2017 is officially behind us—yay!

 

And that means… drumroll… It’s time for me to pile together all those weird and wonderful search terms people used to find my humble little humor blog (I have to mention, periodically, that it is a humor blog, because that’s the only way WordPress knows; apparently you have to use the keyword, because having a humor blog is just like having a yoga blog—you use the word a lot, and that’s what your blog is about.   Humor.  Funny.)  Actually, I sorted them into an Excel list, and then picked through the rubbish for the humor gold, but you get the idea.  Here then are my favorite ways people found us last year.  Starting with the most popular Google result:

 

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2016 Year in Review—Search Terms

 

I’ve complained in the past of my frustration with “unknown search terms.”  To be clear, this is still the bane of my existence.  Whatever you are doing to keep me from seeing how you got to my blog, STAHP! 

 

I gots to know!

Internet Friends don’t keep secrets from each other!

 

But I put away search terms for a good long while—mostly because my hair was falling out from the stress—and only recently looked through them again.  

 

I’m not sure how I feel about what I’ve found, to be honest, but I know filler material when I see it. 

 

Here, then, are the top (humorous) search terms used to find this blog in 2016.

 

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Revengers, Detonate!

 

never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot revenge

 

Long-time readers may have noticed that I don’t consume shows on the same timeline as the rest of the world.  Basically, people have to nag me for at least a year for it to even get on my watchlist, then I need another two to three years of prodding before I’ll sample the first episode.  If that fails to grab me, it’s over.  Sorry.

 

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