It is a known fact that the only thing guaranteed to clear the room faster than Taco Bell farts is an enthusiastic retelling of the amazing dream you had last night.*
Here’s why it takes me so long to get ready in the morning. Let’s assume that I need to leave at 7:30, and have decided to wake up at 6am. The night before, I set an alarm for 5:40. Watch what happens.
You don’t know me.
I don’t mean that like
Hey, who needs a break from the doom and the gloom and the political today?
Okay, put your hands down. I got ya covered. I should probably just make this a tweet, but I already know it’s gonna be too long.
I’m not saying I can’t be succinct, but… let’s face it, 140 characters is a ridiculous limit, once you calculate how many I waste on “fuck.”
Who loves to read about the random conversations that occupy some 37% of our average day? Put your hands down, I’ll just assume it’s everyone.
Who has made the decision to dedicate a certain percentage of their mental resources to thinking about comically mismatched animal combats? Okay, put your hands down… I should’ve known it would be all of you.
Remember that thing I told you, about how he drives like his father? Well, like almost nothing I write here, I conveyed that information because it was important.*
Husband, along with his many adorable quirks, has a crazy-making, fascist obsession with the lights. The very idea that, somewhere in the house, a light is on with nobody around to see it makes him twitch. This is especially baffling for me because, as he himself admits, any given light bulb draws a ridiculously tiny amount of power. Seriously, my choice to leave the light on over the basement steps for a few hours costs us maybe 1.5 cents every night.
He’s done the math.
First, I have to tell you that he bit the bullet (just before the deadline) and “upgraded” to Windows 10. So now there are two of us in the house who occasionally scream “God dammit Windows 10!” while praying that our progress was saved recently. (It rarely is.)
HIM: I’ve got the Windows 10 upgrade running today.
ME: I didn’t realize you were still running 7. And I didn’t realize they were doing a free upgrade for 7, I thought it was just 8.
HIM: Nope, it’s 7 and 8.
ME: But only 7 and 8?
HIM: Yeah, Windows 9 users are shit outta luck.
ME: That’s not –