Every Day is Halloween


Confession: I am not as young as I used to be.


If I’m being completely honest with you, I was probably never as young as I was, except when I was older than I was.

Confused man saying "wait..."


I just read that back and realized the only way it makes sense is if you too have been lying about your age your whole life.  If that’s you, congratulations!  You’ve found your people.  If not… try to keep up, because that wasn’t even my point and it’s only going to get weirder.


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Oh, Am I Keeping YOU Up?



This has got to stop.


 this shit ends now


I’m serious.  I cannot possibly be expected to continue under these conditions.  Surely the United Nations will step in, or something, right?



I am referring, as always, to his cacophonous snoring.

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Aaaalll By Myself


all by myself


Day One go off to a GREAT start, you guys. Seriously. Stellar.

I got lost on my way to the grocery store. The one right by my house, the one I go to all the goddamned time. I was maybe a mile away from home and suddenly I was taking a wrong turn and found myself on that weird circular street in my town that just goes around and around the circular park. (There’s an egg-shaped park, too, but I don’t think it was that one)
So I pulled over and asked my phone to help me find the nice place with the people who have the carrot muffins and the good yogurt, and the instructions were: “Take your third left; your destination is right in front of you.”

Bitchy phone, getting smart with me when I’m tired.


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